Is he drinking too much?

[M1225]

Me and my partner are in the middle of a big fall out. I think that he is drinking way too much and he needs to cut down. He feels like what he is doing is normal and I’m over reacting.

So he drinks a minimum of 1 bottle of wine most nights of the week. He’ll usually have 1 day off during the week where he won’t drink due to being on a night shift. Some nights it’s 1 1/2 bottles of wine. Sometimes he’ll drink 2 bottles of wine and sometimes he'll drink a bottle of wine, and then several glasses of a spirit of some kind. Sometimes he’ll even get home from his day shift and instead of having any dinner he will just have his wine and maybe a packet of crisps.

I grew up in a household where my parents didn’t drink. He’s saying what he’s doing is normal and most families drink like he is every evening. I think it’s bothering me so much more now because we have a baby. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to cut down?

That's too much.

No one in my family drank growing up either, but I know that's too much. Don't let someone undermine your judgement for that reason. It's blatantly too many units.

Definitely not normal. I would be concerned that at this point he's an alcoholic.

One bottle of wine is 9 or 10 units. He's having much, much more than the recommended limit per week (which I know isn't an exact science, but this much over every week is very concerning).

He is drinking too much, yes. I say this as a recovering alcoholic who was drinking around that amount and a bit more. I'll say though that I don't believe the narrative that everyone who drinks a bottle of wine a night is an alcoholic. It's not a helpful rhetoric - even though I was. Some people just have unhealthy habits and get stuck in a cycle and can stop without any physical dependence.

I do think he's right that a lot of people do drink that much. It's not that unusual, though most people do it secretly rather than being open about it. But just because other people are doing it doesn't mean it's not too much and doesn't mean he'd feel a world of difference if he stopped. Never mind the cost.

I think he has a problem, but it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in changing unfortunately

He's a functioning alcoholic. My DH came to a realisation, that although he could stop drinking for months at a time, when he went back onto it, he wanted/needed an amount (much the same as your DH) every night and that scared him. He couldn't do moderation as his body was craving one more drink, again and again.

This. He is an alcoholic. That is not normal don't let him gaslight you. Tell him you want him to do dry April - see if he can do it - see what his reaction is to this and it will tell you everything you need to know. If he still won't cut down loads I'd consider asking him to leave for a while whilst he sorts himself out.

He's an alcoholic and doesn't see it yet. What is he trying to escape from? His work? Some trauma? Unfulfillment?

I'd classify that as a functional alcoholic.

Recommended units are 14, he's drinking something north of three times that.

He's in denial.

Yes he’s drinking way over healthy limits.

But perhaps more importantly he is minimising his use and minimising your perfectly reasonable concern over it.

Tough love here: you can’t persuade or influence or nag someone into stopping or reducing their drinking. He’s in denial about it and will push every effort to discuss this away.

The choice is yours: you have to decide if you’re prepared to live with an alcoholic and if you’re not (and I wouldn’t be), you need to make some tough decisions. That may or may not shock him into choosing to face this but you can’t count on this.

I know I couldn’t live with this.

Would you be comfortable leaving the baby alone with him? Probably not.
And yes, he is drinking far too much. How much a week is he spending on alcohol?

The recommended intake for both men and women is 14 units per week, and any more that 7 units a day is considered binge drinking. You should also have a few days in a week where you don't drink at all .

They're only guidelines and everyone is different but it sounds like he's hitting the weekly limit every day. Don't sound great.

That’s too much. Does he ever have days when he doesn’t drink even if he’s not on a night shift? What would he say if you suggested it?

That’s such a fair assessment @mindutopia thank you. It’s too much, but so easily done.

Its not normal OP. and it must be costing an absolute fortune. This is what my H did. Then his stomach started rejecting the red wine and he started projectile puking all over the bathrooms. So he switched to vodka and secret drinking instead. This was in lockdown. I had no idea he was doing this until it was too late. Fast forward to July 2023 and he had a massive stroke aged 50. He still denies this was anything to do with his alcoholism. He started drinking again when he came out of hospital a month later. This is when we separated. Unfortunately I'm stuck with him as he is classified as disabled now and can't cope on his own, and there are no facilities for someone his age with his specific issues.
Just saying how it panned out for us. Don't let it happen to you.

Very occasionally he won’t have a drink. Mainly because he’s ran out and can’t be bothered to get anymore. He would say why should he? He often points out that I eat a lot of chocolate, more than the recommended amount sometimes. He says if I can indulge with chocolate why can’t he with wine

He says if I can indulge with chocolate why can’t he with wine
Is he an actual stupid person?
Anyway, you now have a serious issue. Do you stay with him and accept all the harm that will be done to your child by his drinking?

@M1225

He often points out that I eat a lot of chocolate, more than the recommended amount sometimes. He says if I can indulge with chocolate why can’t he with wine

Thats a ridiculously erroneous comparison and he knows it.

Chocolate isn’t a highly addictive and carcinogenic substance which can trigger irreversible organ damage and ruin a person’s relationship with their loved ones. I’m also prepared to bet you’re not eating several kilos of it a day.

Hes in massive denial and you need to take matters into your own hands. Hes not going to stop.

Of course he's drinking too much

But he won't change / stop unless he wants to. It needs to come from him

You can't control what he does. But you can control what you choose to do

Chocolate does not impair your brain or lack of being able to function or drive, look after a baby.
He is an alcoholic.
Why do men become threatened when confronted.
Just not an environment I would want to be in daily or with a child.
It becomes normalised by him when he fails to see it is a problem.
Chocolate and fillings any day over alcoholic issues.

I’m not afraid of a drink but that sounds like rather a lot. I don’t think throwing terms like alcoholic around is necessarily helpful, but you are right to be concerned on this one.

It’s a human reaction, not a reaction specific to one gender.

I've also lost track of what's normal. My husband has strange drinking habits - he doesn't drink when he's out or we're on holiday but when we're at home and always on his own. He'll drink mabe 6 cans of cider 5 times a week. He says I always treat him like he's incompetent or tell him what to do but when he's been drinking he'll forget for example to set his alarm for work the next day or will fall asleep with the light on and his phone in his hand. He'll slur his words and I can't have a proper conversation with him. Is this normal?

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. My family members drink like this and any challenge is met with anger or denial. That reaction gives you your answer quite frankly. I think alot of households have this lifestyle but it's messed up and I would not want to be anywhere near this crap. Growing up and then tolerating a sibling who drinks like this has caused a great deal of anger for me. He needs to sort it out.