To tired for sex apparently

[Xanderz]

Hi. Let me start by saying that my dh is a lovely man and a great dad to our dc but after 21 years of being together our sex life has dwindled and it’s getting me down. I’ve always had a higher sex drive than my dh, I accepted that and I was happy to compromise eg averaging once maybe twice a week instead of 3-4 which I’d have loved. I’m now 40, husband is 47 and whilst I realise he’s a little older than me it’s like he is slowing down and I’m more alive than ever at least in the bedroom department anyway.

My husband works full time doing shift work (not night shifts) so yes, I get that sometimes he will be tired, genuinely, however I feel like in general he uses I’m tired as an excuse to not be intimate with me. Don’t get me wrong it can be tricky to fit in alone time as we have teenagers in the house and a younger child and one of the dc are always at home but other couples seem to make it work. I often book us a night away so that we can have some us time and when we do go away sex is usually very good and we enjoy ourselves but then we come home and it’s back to the regular routine.

When dh does want to have sex it’s almost always on a Saturday so it’s predictable and dare I say boring, but lately we haven’t even had Saturday nights as it just hasn’t happened. When we are intimate it’s varied in that we try a lot of things so it isn’t the quality it’s the quantity. I’m just worried that this is it now for the rest of my life as I expect dh is just going to slow down further as he gets older. He isn’t the best communicator so i’m often left confused or disappointed. I try and speak to him about things and he’ll talk to a certain point but you can tell he looks a little uncomfortable and he eventually shuts the conversation down. AIBU to think that tiredness is just an excuse? I mean i go to bed tired and I wake up tired every single day despite eating well, exercising, and in general looking after myself yet 9 times out of 10 I wouldn’t turn my dh down if he came on to me which he never does as it’s always me that initiates.

He absolutely may feel too tired to have sex. It’s likely it’s not down to him being so tired he’s physically incapable and more about sex not being a big priority for him and him therefore not feeling like it when he’s even just a bit tired.

I dont know how other couples are, but 3-4 times a week was only ever us before kids. Since having kids everything was just so much harder to make happen as much. Even twice a week still sounds a lot to me given that we are between yours and your DH ages, and have kids, full time jobs, busy lives. We would struggle to fit that in (and find the energy). But I don't know how we compare to others.

Im your husband in this situation. Sex is just lower down on my list of priorities and I know dh would like it more but we do average on once per week.
He also complains that it feels scheduled but we have busy lives and sometimes it does have to be a bit "well the kids are out then so..." rather than spontaneous.

And tiredness is a completely valid excuse....any excuse not to want sex is valid. And in all honesty, sometimes "I'm tired" for me means I would rather sit and relax with this box set and glass of wine than have sex, I'm too tired to make the effort to do anything else. Or we have just gotten into bed, I've been looking forwards to getting to bed all day, leave me alone to sleep.

Maybe when we dont have young teens schedules, full time jobs and all that to contend with I'll be up for it more often.

I get what you’re saying but I’m worried it’s more than just him being tired. I know not everyone is the same but to me being tired (all the time) is just a cop out and makes me feel unloved and unwanted. Of course he can say no and I don’t nag him or make him feel bad for saying no but the fact I’m constantly being rejected makes me feel really bad. If sex isn’t a priority for him then I don’t know what to do as it is for me.

Could you take on more work and bring in more money so that he can reduce his hours? Work can be shattering and exhaust people completely. The fact that sex is better on holiday is evidence that the tiredness is genuine.

Not really no. Even if I did go full time the type of work my dh does is always full time as in he’s looked at other jobs in the sane field and never seen any less than 40 hours per week. I only work part time as our youngest dc has additional needs but eBay year things are changing and getting a little easier as he grows so in the next few years I do plan to get a full time job.

I think agree to sex once a week. Then make sure that sex is good sex. Don't try and initiate it the rest of the time so you are not constantly being rejected. I'd expect him to initiate sometimes too at the planned weekly night. We

I think even twice a week is a lot when you have kids and are tired. If love to have sex 3-4 times a week but realistically it's unlikely.

Better to have less but make sure it's not boring and you are both into it and to drop the expectations that are making you miserable with the rejection.

Different people are just different, he essentially can't be arsed, he doesn't want to and honestly that's kinda fine, nobody should have sex when they don't want to.

DP and I have very high sex drives. We have a toddler and I'm pregnant, 3+ times a week is still very doable for us. Becuase we both have that need and desire to make the time and the energy. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, you can't make him want more sex, but I also don't think people should settle for unsatisfying sex lives.

You have busy lives and to expect 3/4 per week is a lot of pressure on him if he has a tiring job.
Do you still manage 1/2 times? Have an open conversation rather than resentment set in.

At the minute no. The last time we were intimate was 3 weeks ago and before that it was about a month. I of course agree that he has a right to say no to sex but the fact that he just can’t be arsed makes me feel a bit shit.

Stimulate your own nerve endings.
No one owes you sex twice a week for the rest of their life.

Even animals are not on heat all the time. The concept of sex every week of the year must be new for the women too - only possible since the advance of contraception and rise of non-manual labor.

If you really want loads of sex, I suggest becoming and staying single. Then you can avoid the "sex in captivity effect" that eventually diminishes the desire in most people and live on new partner shaggathons.

I do but it isn’t the same as intimacy with your partner is it. I’m not saying he owes me sex not at all but then it used to be an important part of our relationship for both of us so i’m struggling with the fact that clearly something has changed but dh won’t discuss things.

If it were the other way round most people would sympathise with the tired woman, saying stuff like "your man can go have a wank" etc.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I think it is so good to still have alot of desire for your DH after so many years! I understand your concern as the sex has gone down from once a week to once a month and that’s a lot less.
It seems that on the positive side that the sex is very good / exciting when it happens. And also masturbation doesn’t make up for that after sex connection and loved up feeling you get from being with your Dp.
What are you worried about most? That sex will almost become non existent or other stuff?
I’m 46 and my dp is 42 …I’m still very much up for sex at least 4 times a week if I’m lucky, twice if it’s been a busy week or we are unwell. and I think women’s sex drive can go up the older we get.
I don’t think you working part time and him working full time is the issue tbh as a pp has suggested, as you have a special needs child plus teenagers, so I’m sure taking care of family and juggling family life is more that enough!

My other half only wants it every 2 or 3 months!

Myself and dh at the edge at the mo- don’t know if we’ll make it and when it comes down to it it all lands on we went a long time without sex and yes due to tiredness, but he took it as me not being attracted to him, not loving him etc etc. I thought all was fine because sex to me doesn’t come close to the everyday life things. I don’t know what the answer is op but best of luck, if you love each other I hope you both figure it out

I think if your DH works at least 40 hours a week and you work a lot less then that could definitely be contributing to your imbalanced sex drives. When I was working over 40 hours a week mine plummeted because I just felt mithered by life and work, and I didn't have children to deal with too. But now I work part time it's completely different. It's hard to feel in the mood if you're overwhelmed with work.