To call my husband controlling ?

[Younngsfarmer]

This is maybe a bit of an odd one and I can’t find anything online about it as all the issues seem to be the opposite.

i had postnatal depression and so my husband did most of the care with our two kids from the start. This has continued to the point I feel pushed out of our family’s life. I would like to look after them more but I can’t discuss it with my husband as he just shuts down and avoids talking about it. I feel like I’m being pushed out of my children’s lives and I don’t know what to do. It’s making me feel depressed and unable to look after them. What’s worse is now if I do have an opportunity the eldest asks for daddy to do it, as they’re so unused to me doing anything. I feel like a shitmum. I’ve suggested couples therapy but he’s resistant. Is my only choice to leave ?

So he is caring for the children because you can't, so what is the controlling bit?

What sort of care are you meaning? How old are your DC? I don't think you need to leave. But I do think you need to stop asking to take care of your own children. If he struggles with communication maybe try writing your thoughts down in some way instead. But you just need to lay out exactly what you want.

@WandaWonder i am able to take care of them. There is no space to. He does everything.

I think jumping straight to controlling is a massive leap. As is just walking away.

If he has done the care on his own for quite a while now you want to change the status quo. It takes a while. And to be honest, if you weren’t able to care for them it’s a long road of changing things.

If my dp had been incapable of looking after a child, it would be a slow journey of slowly increasing how much he looked after a child. too much too fast and there’s a chance it could be counterproductive. Plus while no one can help having a mental health crisis, there is also an impact on the partner picking up the extra work and worrying about their partner. It increases anxiety in a lot of cases. That should also be taken into consideration, by you as well.

Unless there’s massive amount of information missing, your jump to accusing him of abuse AND leaving him suggests you might not be thinking clearly or seeing it from only your POV. Not the POV of your partner or kids.

Yes. I can validate you. I experienced coercive control that had similarities to what you describe.My H was hands-on with the kids, did housework, school pickups. My health declined due to ongoing abuse and of course he looked like such a great guy "supporting me". It took years to realise it was coercive control because he didn't present in the ways I thought an abuser would. I hope you can explore this so you're not wasting your years if ultimately you need to leave.

I suggest you seek support from a professional who is trained in coercive control; they will be best suited to helping you work out what is going on. You need to look at the underlying patterns of behaviour and standard counsellors are typically unqualified to identify patters of coercive control or work with abuse recovery (where I live anyway).

Dr Emma Katz is an expert on how coercive control affects mothers and children. She has done interviews you can listen to online. If you are starting to feel incapable as a mother this is a really awful way to be targeted and it is a very typical pattern for a controlling father. You need support and help with building your relationships with your children as you will be their best champion if their dad is a controlling type.

You can pm me if you have any further specific questions.

So sorry that you’re feeling pushed out and worried about the bond with your children. Look this is temporary.
its hard to say without the back story full detail what is happening here eg is he just getting in with it, is he infantilising you, is it a trust issue from him, are there capability issues on your part which aren’t mentioned? Etc

what matters now is that you would like to be more involved and you want to build the relationship with DC.

id pick one aspect of care eg bath time or breakfast and say you’re taking that over, then hold that boundary. Do it consistently and bond with them. Then add another and keep doing this until you’re where you need to be. The kids will get more used to it- also don’t forget they go through phases of wanting one parent over another so don’t take it too personally.

if during this time you have issues with your DH and he tries to block you from this you need to be assertive and realise he could be shutting you out. Perhaps therapy for you both. He might be a bit traumatised by seeing you with PND and trying to protect you. Or he could be mean we just can’t tell from this tbh.

It's hard to tell if he's being controlling or just easing you back into it. How long were you unwell? Have you tried doing some smaller things with him and then doing more? Do you feel he's someone you can talk to about how you feel?

I feel like I’m being pushed out of my children’s lives and I don’t know what to do. It’s making me feel depressed and unable to look after them

but then you say you feel unable to care for them.

how old are they? How long has your DH been the main carer? do you both work? Are you still receiving treatment?

Are you being controlled in other ways? Are you allowed to work? Have access to money, can see family and friends?

Looking after the DC because the other partner has been unwell isn't usually controlling behaviour.

How old are they? So you never care for them?

Sounds like your DH has been the main carer for some time. Years. Did you not get treatment the first time before then having a second? He's stepped up when you couldn't and now it's going to be hard for him - and the children - just to hand the reins over to you. Leaving isn't going to help, he'd likely get 50/50 custody anyway potentially more

Fab advice.

Honestly OP, I just put myself in your position and imagined my OP. I can imagine there would maybe be some resentment for having to shoulder everything for a long time and might do things to make a point being a dick but essentially he would be grateful for the break and desperately trying to get the family back to normal. I don't think you're getting this wrong, it does sound a bit weird,

Hard to say without the backstory OP but you can look up “parental alienation”.

It’s when a toxic parent, narcissist usually, drives a wedge between children and the other parent, and this can take many forms.

But, hard to say without context, but that’s the term for it.

What sort of things would you be doing while he was caring for them? That's not me being judgey or nosy by the way but it helps to see the dynamic.

This will probably be a slow transition. As he would need to gain your trust in showing that you can look after them. Maybe do bathtime, making meals etc together at first, that way your all bonding and it gives him a chance to show you his way of caring for them etc. Then gradually you do bathyme on your own or making food while he plays with the kids etc.

Don't walk away this will just need a bit of patience and it will all work out for the best

Hi OP I don't know your situation so it might be. But I will say that a lot of mums who are used to being primary carers find it hard to let go of doing all the work and letting dad develop their own skills. You need to sit down and talk to your DH. Establish a routine and enlist his help in getting the kids excited for it. Things like Monday night mummy does bathtime and daddy does bedtime, Tuesday mummy does story and bed, etc. get him to stay downstairs or even pretend to go out if it helps. He should fully support your desire to bond with the kids and be willing to do this. If he isn't willing, then I think that's a sign something else is going on.

If he's been their primary carer for a long time (years?) then I'm not surprised he's finding it hard to change that now.

The fact that he won't talk to you about it is massive red flag. In any normal healthy relationship, you have honest open dialogue.

It's not enough to know whether he is controlling but it certainly could be part of the overall picture.

Sooo... husband looked after you and kids while you were ill. You were unable to look after the kids yourself, and as such, didn't get much experience looking after them.

Now that you're better, you're upset that kids are now used to going to dad for help and that dad is naturally cautious over just 'handing' you full control over the kids.

Your frustration with this is now causing you to be depressed, which is impacting your ability to look after your kids again. I'm sorry, but if 'frustration' with your partner doing a good job impacts you so much that you're unable to look after your own kids, then daily frustrations and stresses are bound to impact you even worse. I'd be worried about handing over too much responsibility too!

Now your solution is to 'leave' a happy family, and a dad that has raised your kids 100% by himself.

100% this, but of course because he's not doing exactly what op wants despite the fact she's still saying she's too unwell to look after the dc because he won't do what she wants so she's going to leave the dc, he's the baddie?

Op[ can you not just step forward in lots of small ways and gradually increase it?
Anticipate and take action before he does, ie say l am cooking x in 10 minutes...just do it.
Fill the bath a bit early and make it fun, say come on dcs bathtime with bath bombs/toys etc...
Get a fun book and say come on Dcs lets read this funny book with some popcorn.

Plan things and just do them....good luck