To tell my bf I couldn't handle it if he went back to his old job?

[sadsister23]

Bf has work related anxiety. We have been together for 3 years and he spent 5 years in a job with a toxic manager where he was effectively bullied because he was afraid to leave - although he hated it, it was familiar so I guess to some extent it felt safe. He would have a near nervous breakdown about work every few months - being very depressed and tearful. It has overshadowed our relationship and I have done my best to be patient and support him. He has recently had cbt which has helped a bit.

After many job interviews and offers which he rejected, he finally started a new job today and he is still very anxious and worried that he may not succeed. The new job is for a bigger organisation but better paid and with a better pension. I listened to his worries and anxieties tonight and he did mention the possibility of going back to his old job. He seems to be looking back at it with rose tinted glasses and thinking it wasn't that bad there after all. I highly doubt he actually would go back there and I suspect this is just the anxiety talking due to this new transition but I did have to be honest with him and tell him that if he did that I couldn't stay with him. I do love him but I think he sometimes forgets the impact this has on me/us. I want to get on with building a life together and he hasn't been able to do that with this job stuff in the way before.

WIBU to tell him I couldn't stay with him if he went back to his old job? It don't think it was what he wanted to hear but it wouldn't be in his best interests or mine/ours. I'm currently killing myself doing a qualification to increase my earning potential for our future and he's thinking of running back to 'safety' ie a job where he was miserable. I am just very tired of this.

I think you did the right thing. He needed to realise the impact this all had/has on you.

I wouldn't be rushing into anything permanent with him, even with this new job. He doesn't sound very much like a 'partner' at the moment. If you're always the one supporting him, and he is in need of LOTS of support it's not conducive to a happy life together. What would happen if you ever need support?

He only started today and normal feelings from him, just give him some time and support it sounds like he has been through a lot lately.

Yes hard on your relationship too but right now he's at the beginning of a new chapter so needs encouragement if you want a happy future together.

Echoing the sentiment above about him needing constant emotional support. He may not be happy ANYWHERE. If you think that sounds like him, beware of a frustrating future.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra tbf I have my wobbles and he is very supportive, but I progress with mine and make plans and changes whereas he is stuck on this one, although I actually accepting this new job is huge progress for him. Generally we have a very mutually supportive relationship but him going backwards in this respect would be a dealbreaker for me. I am proud of him for getting the new job and engaging with cbt etc as I know it's so difficult for him but I just don't want him thinking running back to the past is an option. It seems a bit cruel but maybe cruel to be kind? I feel bad about it this evening.

@Luckycloverz thanks, yes maybe I was a bit harsh this evening. Since I said that to him I have tried to explain that ultimately I only want him to be happy and if this job doesn't work out I'd support him in getting another, it's just that I know (and I think he does too) that happiness doesn't lie in his old job. Is there anything else you think I could do to redeem my harsher comments tonight?

No, I don't think you would be unreasonable to tell him that you wouldn't stay if he chose to go back.

But I think you need to gently prepare yourself for the possibility that things might not get any better even if he stays in his new job. It might turn out that the problem wasn't actually his job in the first place, but something within him that pop up again in the new role. If it was really that bad, I can't see why he would even consider going back. Deep down, he may realise that the problem might lie elsewhere. And that's very scary.

It's tough. If he has ongoing mental health problems, then that isn't his fault. But it can be very hard to live with, and ultimately, you have to decide how much you are willing and able to tolerate.

I think as long as you're able to talk honestly to each other in a constructive/supportive way that's all you can do, just see how these next few weeks go and hopefully his anxiety will settle and any thoughts of returning to his old job will be left behind.

Don't feel bad about what you've said, you obviously love each other and I hope it's onwards and upwards for you both 😁

@Luckycloverz thank you, it's taken so long to get to this stage that hopefully we can see out the next few weeks ok! I think often in society women are expected to be loyal and supportive no matter what and I suppose that is why I am feeling bad.

OP everyone struggles with the first day in a new job, even the most confident of people. So please don't be surprised that his first reaction is to want to go back to somewhere where, although he wasn't happy, he obviously felt safe to some extent. I think if you want to calm the situation, it might be worth saying, that having had a bit of time to think about it, you've probably both overreacted a bit, and that on reflection, you think perhaps you should have given him encouragement to stick with the new job for, at least for long enough to get to know the people he's working with, and the job itself, before he decides that it's not for him. Then point out gently that the other job made him so miserable that it literally made him ill, so if he feels that he can't be happy in the new job, after giving it a few weeks to settle in, you'll give him all the support he needs to find something else, but having gone through all the misery that the old job caused not only him, but you too, as you were the one who had to witness the unhappiness that he went through, but felt helpless to change things for him at the time, as it had to be his decision, and hence the thought of going back to that time, made you blow up and give him an ultimatum, which you now realise was a complete overreaction, but even so, you don't want him to go back to feeling miserable and unhappy all the time, like he was before. My thoughts here are probably a bit jumbled up, but hopefully it gives you something to work with. I hope you can sort this out, and that he will give the new job long enough to find out if it really can work for both of you.

Don’t set yourself alight to keep someone else warm. You're not his support human. At the very least he needs to be getting help from other sources, not you.
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I like men to be a bit braver. I prefer they not be depressed and tearful on a regular basis because they are too afraid to leave a dreadful job. I too would be very tired of this especially if I was the one killing myself to get a qualification. Imagine you are told your sixteen year old son has cancer and think whether he would stand strong supporting you. My husband was a tower of strength during that dreadful time before my son recovered. I am not sure your partner would be.

He sounds too needy and fragile. Eventually I’d find him a PITA.

No you weren’t unreasonable

It does sound to me he needs ongoing support for anxiety, or you are going to end up half managing it for him, which is no life

I also agree with other PPs that unless he starts taking responsibility for himself, he’s not a good life partner. I would have a come to Jesus conversation with him, and if he doesn’t start changing review the whole thing.

I don't think it is harsh to have a clear boundary about what you can and can't tolerate. You have supported him to leave so now has a new job and knows he can do that, so there is no reason for him to go back. You sincerely feel you could not go through it again if he returned, so it seems fair to let him know that.

I’d have been pretty much out the door the first time he refused another job offer. It all sounds quite self indulgent and, bluntly, boring. And you’ve been together for three years, so not THAT long, all of which has been overshadowed by this issue. It’s not like you’d been married twenty years before he had a bad workplace/MH experience. This might just be who he is.

It is promising that he's doing CBT and it will surely help, and also that he supports you that it's not just one way.