To revaluate my friendship?

[notyetpregnant]

I am part of a small friendship group, we have been friends for many years and see each other semi regularly.

My mother died recently after a brief illness and though I had told the group of her illness, none of them bothered to check in, and they really only found out of her passing as and when I spoke to them next. It didn't feel like something I wanted to make a big announcement about. Particularly as they hadn't really shown any concern.

Of this group of friends I didn't receive a single sympathy card/flowers etc which felt quite hurtful but then to top it off it was her funeral today and none of them called/text, or attended the funeral in support. This has really made me upset on top of an already upsetting time and ultimately I feel like why would I want friends who could make me feel worse at a time like this.

Is it reasonable that I am feeling like I need to step away from this group? I don't wish to fall out with them and even telling them how I feel seems pointless because ultimately it doesn't feel like this can be undone.

Wow I am so so sorry about your mum. This is awful.

I would let them know why you are stepping away. I would rally around a friend whose mum passed away. I would check in on them regularly. I know you don't want to but I would send this.

" I am so grateful for our friendship we have had over the years. I felt I had friends who would be there for the good times and would rally around me in the difficult times. However, after the worst case scenario in my life happened, my mother passed away, I was so hurt not to receive the overwhelming amount of support I expected. In fact I dealt with the situation alone as everyone was silent with no cards, messages, or attendance at the funeral. This is something I am not sure I can get past so I will be withdrawing from this friendship. If there is something I don't know, an explanation, then I am open to hearing."

Sorry for your loss op. Awful behaviour. Bad form. Not a nice trait in friends.

I think if I received a similar message, I’d think she’d lost the plot. I would probably just withdraw or send something really simple eg ‘Not happy that nobody attended mum’s funeral and I didn’t even get sympathy cards’ on a WhatsApp group.

I gave a colleague a sympathy card when her dad died, she was a bit bemused, they don’t send sympathy cards in her culture, she said (Jewish) Don’t know if any of the OP’s friends are from a culture that doesn’t send cards, but the total lack of acknowledgment is incredibly hurtful.

I’m really sorry about your mum.

I don’t think these are proper friends.

Is this a group of school mums or a hobbie or something? Despite seeing those sorts of groups regularly; I don’t think the investment is really there in the friendships; they are not ‘those’ friends; and I think at times like this it shows. So sorry for your loss.

I am divided on this one.

I would certainly acknowledge the death of a friend's family member, especially a parent. I definitely wouldn't let that go unacknowledged, and I would more than likely message or call the day before the funeral and check in afterwards.

But I wouldn't attend the funeral, unless I had actually known the deceased.

So I do think it was sad they didn't even acknowledge it, but I don't think it unreasonable they didn't attend the funeral.

I am sorry for your loss 💐

First of all OP, I am SO sorry for your loss, losing your DM is devastating to most of us, and to not even have checked in on you in this situation, is mean in the extreme.

Someone else has posted in the last day or two, saying how badly they feel let down by so called friends, who they have bent over backwards to help in the past. People seem to have become so self absorbed over recent years, and appear to have forgotten that being a friend is supposed to be about give and take. Instead it seems to have become a case of people only offering friendship while the other person can be useful to them, but being fully prepared to back right off the minute the other person needs something from them! It's no wonder this world is becoming a less and less pleasant place to be, as it seems it's now a case of every man, woman, and child being out for themselves, and sod anyone else. I've therefore decided, that in future there will be no second chances for people who call themselves my friends, I will always be there to help them, as that's my nature, but let me down just once when I need you, and you can kiss my friendship goodbye.

Sending you a hug and my sympathy OP.

It sounds to me like you are not really that close. Did they know it was her funeral today? If they knew it was today and chose not to attend or check you were OK then they are clearly not your friends and it might be time you stepped away from the ‘friendship’. If you were my friend I would have been texting you to check you were OK and I would have asked if you wanted company at the funeral. Hope you are OK, OP 🌺

Sorry for your loss OP, what an emotional time for you. I'm sorry it feels like your friends have let you down on top of it all.

I think I see this from both sides a little bit however, I suppose it depends how close you are and whether they knew your mum etc.
Perhaps they were getting on with their own lives and their own dramas and didn't really appreciate how ill your mum was to start with. Perhaps they were trying to be respectful and give you some space to cope and grieve. Perhaps they don't consider themselves particularly close to you and didn't know how to best support you and didn't realise that you wanted them there with flowers and messages and stuff.

I've drifted away from all my old friendship groups since becoming a parent. I think if I got the news that one of their parents were seriously ill or something, I genuinely would assume they were just informing me and I wouldn't necessarily take it as an invitation for me to get involved etc.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I actually had the same thing happen when my dad passed away. It hurt so much and actually I haven't continues with the friendships. One of them was someone I'd grown up with and who had obviously known him too. I can't understand treating anyone like this. Fair enough don't go to the funeral, or even send flowers (although I would) but I'd expect at least the odd text message!

I'm really sorry OP
And yes, I would step away.

I am so sorry for the immeasurable loss of your mother.

Regarding your friends I am wondering if you are in the UK? Because I think in British culture people usually only go to a funeral if they are directly connected to the deceased. It's something to do with the British way of feeling like you might be intruding. Although I would expect a good friend to ask if you want them to go with you for support.

In fact I always noticed that the minute there's trouble or someone goes into hospital the traditional British thing (in generations older than mine) was to back away and say "oh no, I wouldn't want to intrude at such a private time" Although that's changed with the younger generations.

But for nobody to have checked in with you is really not nice, is there any possibility they didn't know that your mum's illness was serious?

Just leave the chat without a word op. If anyone messages you privately just ignore and block...

I'm very sorry for your loss OP💐
I think it's very upsetting that none of them gave you any sort of support. I would step away. At this time you need empathy. I hope you have someone who can be there for you .

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, OP. If you were my friend I would have come to her funeral, if I was able to. I hope you have other people around you for support. I would just step away from this group, I think.

I’m friends with a group of ladies through an interest we share. We’ve been friends for years. We have a WhatsApp group and chat on there most days. We all live in different parts of the country and only meet up a few times a year. I can’t imagine there being radio silence from any one of them if anyone suffered a loss like that. We’ve all been proper supported by and supportive of each other through loads of stuff. Because we’re all friends and all decent people. I’m so sorry but your friends are shit and I’d be telling them that you actually feel really let down by them. Then I’d be stepping away. I hope you’ve got some real friends that you can talk to.

I’m so sorry about your Mum. 💐

So sorry you've lost your mum you must be so upset by the response or lack of one from people you thought were your friends. This happened to me recently with a group of so- called friends.

Two things happened- one I was admitted to hospital as an emergency and one sent me a message - not knowing I was in hospital but I told her what had happened and she was sympathetic I expected her to tell the others in the group but heard nothing for about a month or so as she'd not bothered to let them know.

The 2nd thing was we lost a family member to cancer very soon after diagnosis and I told them in a message about his cancer then he died and they hadn't once shown sympathy or concern or asked how he was doing. I told one of them that he'd died and they just said oh, we didn't realise. - they could have asked me.

I decided then that if they don't care about me to ask how I am or show concern them they aren't my friends - I don't need people like this for friends. I know that I would have done this for them.

Just stop all contact with them - you don't need people like this in your life

That is simply awful behaviour, I would certainly step away from these people.
I'm really sorry you've lost your mum and even more sorry for the lack of support.

Yes I would be hurt and step away . They aren't true friends , a bereavement is such an awful life event if they can't even send well wishes via WhatsApp never mind cards / flowers they aren't worth bothering with

I’m so sorry OP. That is really awful from your “friends”

my friend’s dad died over two years ago and I’ve marked both his anniversaries never mind his death and funeral.

What age are you op?- if you don't mind my asking. My mum died when I was early 20s. A few friends were ok, but most were really not great at all- and when I look back, I think it was because I was the first to lose a parent and they actually didn't understand the enormity of it.
I've since had several conversations with people about it. And several friends had big bereavements since- I think maybe there's more of an affinity there then.
I have often been complimented on how I've been supportive after a bereavement, given appropriate gifts etc.. and I don't know if I'd be as considerate if I hadn't been there myself.
So sorry for your loss, it hurts like hell but you will get through this.

People are so selfish & self centered these days.

I'm so sorry about your mum OP.

You deserve better from these "friends"

Thank you all for your kind messages, to answer a few questions:

I am 37 and this is a group of school friends so we have known each other for over 20 years. We aren't especially close with life being so busy but have been on holidays, attended each others weddings etc.

A couple didn't know it was the funeral but that is because they haven't bothered to message to check in since finding out, and the information hadn't been passed on by those in the group that did know. Just as the news that she had passed away hadn't been passed on by the one person in the group that did know initially.

When a school friend outside of our group had a parent pass away last year one of the group organised a collection to send flowers and most of us attended the funeral.

It's not that I expected anything in particular or that I'm saying I wanted cards/flowers/attendance at the funeral, but the complete lack of support I have felt has been upsetting.

I have other friends who I have known for less time that did visit/send flowers/turn up at the funeral and I am grateful for these friends.

I feel my mind is made up in terms of withdrawing from this group, not in a dramatic block them way but I no longer want to put my energy into these friendships as I have done previously. I just wanted some thoughts from others because not sure if I am overreacting amidst my grief and disappointment.

Hi OP.

I don't thonk you're overreacting at all.

There's been a few threads lately where somebody who seems to be a "coper" ends up being left alone. It's incredibly frustrating. Personally I don't find it an excuse. I have had it happen to me and thought I was alone till I saw so many threads.

I realise that in some contexts, people won't share information because they think "well it's not my information to share". Taking a generous view, is it possible that might be a factor here?

Then again, I actually wouldn't give it too much headspace. Take care of yourself 💐

Oh I’m so sorry for your loss.

I echo what someone else had said in terms of culture. I don’t think it excuses it in any way, but I have noticed as well that it seems more within British culture to ‘not want to ask’ or ‘not want to remind you’ etc. That isn’t on you to need to be empathetic to what they are feeling.

You really don’t need to/shouldn’t be troubling yourself with wondering why they haven’t reached out. It’s terrible form and it’s in times of need that you do find out who your true friends are. I’m glad you have found other friends who have supported you though.

And to whichever PP who I think misconstrued what you meant in regards to cards and flowers, I suspect you would have really not noticed that should they have actually shown you support in any other way.

I can imagine that it’s hard to deal with this on top of all the grief. Feel free to DM me, sometimes it’s easier to talk through feelings with a stranger.

Most importantly take lots and lots of care of yourself xx