Refusing to listen to moaning husband

[AquaPlayer]

Our 27 yr old son is living with us temporarily between houses whist looking for a new job. He is in employment but doesn't like his workplace and is looking to move to a new job and new town. As a result he is working hard and applying for jobs in his free time. He is prone to depression and has counselling which he pays for. He can be quite annoying in not doing his fair share of cooking, washing, shopping etc but we don't want to constantly be on his back as he is feeling quite down already. We have instituted a cooking rota. However my husband does moan to me about it A LOT! Frankly it is annoying but it's not my fault and I don't want to listen to another long rant about how all the cucumbers been eaten and it hasn't been written on the shopping list!

So today I said 'Just stop- I don't want to listen to this' because it's really getting me down and I've got enough on my plate. Husband was really cross and shouting and throwing things around so I left the room feeling quite upset. I think he should apologise. AIBU?

Shouting and throwing things is an overreaction.
What have you got on your plate along with your worries about DS, and can DH take some of the load?
It would have been nice if he’d been supportive of how you are feeling with everything you’ve got on, rather than shout and Chuck stuff, but it’s likely your DH is about down/fed up about the situation too so just wanted to vent to you.
He absolutely should apologise though.

If he's normally a nice guy and just had a complete out of character over reaction then maybe the two of you need to go out for a meal/drink/walk together and just talk it through how you approach this together.

If this is his typical reaction to stress, and it sounds way over the top, then I'd be thinking who I really wanted to share a house with...

Yes you're right, it is that he wanted to vent. I just don't want to keep listening to the same moans when we've been over and over it before. I have caring responsibilities and a business to run- in fact I was trying to work! He is a generally nice person.

UPDATE- we just had a discussion in which I asked for an apology and he gave one. He said he was frustrated and acknowledges it was not fair to get cross with me. He still seemed a bit grumpy but I'll let it go there. Thanks for the support.

It may seem like a storm in a teacup but it was really important to me.

Shouting and throwing is not OK. If he doesn't apologise, then it was intentional to get you to just give in and do all the cooking to avoid the drama.

Of course he should apologise.

What was your son’s childhood like? Your husbands reaction is not normal. It’s not your fault and you’re not the “fixer” of every problem, yet your husband is acting like it’s your responsibility.
it sounds like both your husband and son struggle with responsibility and accountability. Your son in keeping to the cooking rota and your husband in his ability to resolve issues and his reaction when somebody won’t resolve it for him.
have you played this role your entire life? You need to set some boundaries and your husband needs to examine his role and behaviour.

your son won’t feel depressed if “you’re on his back”. Have you let your son and husband label it “on his back” ? I only ask because the label is wrong. And it’s designed to put the responsibility on you. Stop referring to it as you playing a “nagging” role abd don’t let them manipulate you. Asking a grown adult to respect a rota is not “being in someone’s back.”

i think both your husband and son have huge issues with executive functioning, possibly missing a neurodiverse diagnosis.

if this is the case it would explain your son’s struggle to respect a rota, and your husbands inability to recognise his role as a parent and husband.

Everyone gets frustrated OP. It's not ok to complain to you if you've asked him to stop and it's definitely not ok to shout and throw things.

How have things been for the rest of the week?