To ask if you ever went through a patch of not liking your child very much?

[DarcyHargrove]

I want to start off my by saying I love my daughter. I love her very very much, would jump in front of a truck for her.

But my god I don’t like her very much at the minute.

Shes 10 and I feel like all I do is tell her off. She does everything half assed which drags out every morning because I have to send her back to clean her teeth twice, make her bed properly, put a pair of tights on that haven’t got a hole in etc. She leaves a huge mess after anything she does and has to asked multiple times to clean up after herself. She’s dirty, she doesn’t wash properly, and I feel at this age I shouldn’t have to stand and watch that she actually cleans herself in the shower. She gives everything up after 1 try… I just am so over it. She always been my little buddy and such a joy to be around whereas now I struggle to spend any time with her because she just irritates me to much. I’m hoping this passes really soon but my god she’s such hard work!! My mum said she went through it with me but me and my mum have never gotten along. I try to get involved in things she’s interested in but I just find her exhausting. Had anyone else been through this?

These sound like annoying but relatively minor issues, I'm not really seeing anything that would lead me to feel dislike. Actually it sounds like a typical morning with my son (minus the tights), he does have ADHD and I know it's a Mumsnet cliché to suggest some form of neurodivergence so I won't leap to that but just say that some children take longer than others to develop these skills. Quite normal to get irritated or stressed about occasionally, but if it's affecting you this much you might want to look at readjusting your expectations a bit, finding something you enjoy doing together, or consider whether there's an issue with you that's making you feel particularly negative.

Yeah I love the bones of my children but they can be utter knobheads at times.

Deep breaths. It won't be like this forever.

I pretend I'm on camera and then I won't say something I regret later!

Mine are little and there are days I want to send them back! I think its more common then we realise to think "God you are a twat" sometimes about your children at least in my circle anyway. Obviously we love them etc etc but being a parent is hard!

I do think it might be time to "pick your battles" a little bit though - for example, with tights having holes in either go through her tights and fix/bin ones that are unsuitable or just let her wear them?

I didn't ever make my bed much to my mums annoyance. Never saw the point (i do now!) Either accept that its her room and her choice, or do it yourself. We did a big tidy once a week but other than that we were allowed to "bask in our squalor" during the week. I'm a very neat and clean adult now 😌

With regards to showering this one is tricky. Does she know how to shower? Have the right soap/sponge/loofa whatever and know how to use it? Sounds silly but I used to teach someone who didn't know how to wash their hair as no one had ever told them!

With teeth, we used to have chewy tablets that would show the places we missed. I loooooved them and it would mean I brushed super well every day. Could youb try something like this?

She's 10 and still very little really, it might be worth adjusting your expectations a little bit too - kids are messy, give things up quickly etc etc. It's part of growing up!

Hope you are okay x

Oooh I like that idea!

I second the suggestion that you be proactive with the tights and any other clothing issues- I remove holey socks and mine is16!

I’d focus now on personal hygiene - and a tidy up of the bedroom at the weekend.

When DC2 was about 5 he was vile. In hindsight, he was having a horrible time adjusting to school (young for the year plus immature and then being bullied on top of that) so was just in an emotional mess by the time he got home.
With your DD, I suggest standing back, thinking through all the things she does well and focussing on those rather than the negatives. She might have got caught in a bit of a spiral when she doesn't think there's any point in trying as it won't be good enough. And coming up with some strategies to help her do things better.
DC2 is now Yr7 and when he started secondary we went back to having a list of what he needed to do each morning up in various places around the house so he could check. This was as well as his timetable and list of school stuff. It helped keep him on track.

You seem to have got into a cycle of negativity where she can’t do right for doing wrong.

Rather than get into a snot about the state of her room, could you suggest it is an activity you do together. Perhaps it gets overwhelming for her and she just can’t.

Honestly, I understand the frustration. I helped my 14 year old clear her floordrobe yesterday (mostly me) and yesterday evening a winter fleece was on the floor, that I had put away and she had not worn. It’s infuriating- but I don’t want cleaning up to be something she associates with fighting with me.

The thing with your Mum though, your daughter gets to decide for herself whether you’ve ever got on.

It sounds like you've got stuck on a negative loop of telling her to do stuff, she doesn't do it quite right and then gets told of.

At 10 you need to step back a bit and pick your battles. Does it matter if the beds not made? Or if her tights have holes in?

No one likes being told what to do all of the time especially if they can't do right for doing wrong!

She already has the tablets that make her teeth red and she still doesn’t clean them properly.

For me going out looking a mess is non negotiable. It may be a pick your battle to some people buts important to me that my children look presentable and well looked after.

If you want your child to look well looked after then why actually look after her and sort out her clothes so they don't have holes in?

So is it a bit of a battle of wills do you think? When you say she's dirty for example, if she's showering daily then I'm not sure how 'dirty' she could actually be, especially pre-puberty (if she is)? Difficult to judge on here but I'm wondering if she's rebelling because you're perhaps putting too much pressure on. I agree about holes in tights. Maybe you could put her uniform out together the night before?

Is the dentist concerned about her teeth or have they been reassuring? Any cavities?

Honestly you have to pick your battles. If her bed isn't made its not the end of the world. You seem to be in a constant cycle of demanding and being negative and it's just about lots of little things. Learn to let some things go and work with her to find out what you can do to help make sure she is able to do the things you really need her to do.

Every day. Not all day every day, but every day 🤣😬. I LOVE the bones of him but, goodness me, he's testing me so much recently.

Unless you can't back off a bit your dd will resent you.

Either you let some stuff go and focus on the things she does get right or you make her feel rubbish and useless and damage your relationship with her.

I get it, it used to make my teeth itch when dd decided to do her own hair and it looked a mess. It took all my will power to smile and say okay sweetheart as long as you like it that's fine.

I would drop the red tablets and other than a quick 'teeth and bed' comment wouldn't her too hung up on how much teeth brushing is being done.

She's at the age where she has to start taking some responsibility for herself and you have to start backing off. You are setting yourself up for a nightmare when the teen years start of you can't let some of the stuff go.

She needs the teeth tablets because the d trust wants to put braces on but won’t do it until she looks after her teeth better.

You're micromanaging her and being critical of her, she will know you don't like her very much.

The change has to start with you op 🤷‍♀️

@DarcyHargrove

My daughter experinced this kind of thing as a child,from a family friends grand daughter at that time,
Living across the rd from us,

My daughter wanted to be friends with her and play with her as i got on well with her grandmother,

Anyway girl next door mother would come up some excuses or not,
All the time,

my daughter gave up bothering to knock on her door,

I think it was a personality clash girl next door was quiet socially awkward just hung out with her kind,

My daughter is a natural acctractive extrovert life and soul of the party funny intelligent wise head on young shoulders allways has been,

So in reality had nothing in common with next door neighbour daughter at all...

🤔

So i can see why it wasn't possible for a friendship to work out....

@DarcyHargrove
Oops sorry,
i have just realised it's the wrong mumsnet post ive sent post too...