Sad about future relationships as single mum

[Beetlejuiceismydad]

I know there's been about 200 threads on this before.
I am a single mum of two. Was in a long relationship with their dad until two years ago.
I'm just at the point of thinking tentatively about future relationships. Obviously I don't want to move anyone in or for them to meet my children.
Yesterday I was in the park and I noticed the sheer amount of young couples there with their first baby. They had that sort of sheen of happiness, new baby, new pram, family dog, glossy hair, proud new father.
If I were to meet someone of a similar age, (early thirties) they would probably want that. And I wouldn't.
Even if considered another child (which I probably wouldn't) I could never be that glossy haired, optimistic young mum again. Could I deprive someone I loved the chance of experiencing that? Of being in that bubble?
Which leaves the men who already have children. Which would be much more complicated for my children and theirs.
Or men who don't want children. I've not met many of them, although I'm sure they exist. But surely they wouldn't want stepchildren.
I'm struggling to stay optimistic. I don't want much. I don't want to live with someone ever again. I can really only dedicate two hours a week to someone if I'm honest. Was completely ready to be celibate forever but I find myself missing that person to talk to. I have loads of friends, but it's not the same.

Lone parent here, have been for 14 years but have a partner now for the last few (not moving in together yet)

Please chill, stop projecting. Focus on work, kids, friends and family.

I know it's hard seeing all these "perfectly" formed families but just remember half the posts on here are about shit relationships and useless men.

It's not the way you hoped or expected life would turn out and it's ok to grieve that. But life can be good again, and you can find companionship. I met my DP when DC was 5 having been single mum since she was almost 1. He has children. The kids all love each other and refer to each other as DB and DS. It's not perfect. It took time. But it's lovely and now been years since we first met.

I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think 2 hours a week is enough time at all to build a relationship. Or have any relationship at all

Recently started dating briefly for a few weeks after a 4 years of not. What a waste of time. It started as a ONS and we were/are intensely attracted to one another, natural chemistry, etc. But as it it turned out, he's actually a long term druggie and hasn't been allowed to see his DC for a few years. Sad because I did see something really deepdown in his soul, what's left of it at least.

Moral of the story: often better to stay single and keep your boundaries higher and your middle finger higher.

You’re overthinking. There are infinite possibilities of what could happen in your future (and that of those shiny happy couples you see in the park). It doesn’t sound as though you’re really ready for a new relationship. There is more to it than being over your ex, you need to be in a place where you can actually see how someone might fit into your life. It’s ok if that’s further ahead in the future. Step families can be messy, it’s not something I’d be prepared to take on either. But people can and do make them work.
Do your kids go to their dads much? If so, that could be your time to date, with a focus on having fun! Mine don’t so logistically dating is off the table for me for a few years. I’ve made my peace with that. My focus is on friendships, family time and hobbies right now and I’m happy with that xxx

You still have heard and years ahead of you to date.
Dating can be stressful when you have young children as well as disappointing.
I remember years ago when l found myself a lone parent a lady told me she really regretted the amount of time and effort she made when her kids were younger trying to find a partner. She now looked on it as a complete waste of time.
I just focused on my children, home, job and friends, and l created a lovely way of life for us. I never ever wanted to be a step parent or have another man around my children and I'm so glad l stuck to that, he would have just got in our way.
It's so easy to focus on what you haven't got, to make what you haven't got seem more desirable, when you already have everything you need.
It's also a lot easier getting into a relationship than getting out.
I'm honestly not bothered about dating, yet this attitude seems to make me quite attractive, men seem to like women who are more than capable of standing on their own two feet, and l have learnt to love my freedom and have no desire to be tethered.

You're overthinking it. I've done online dating, and yes, it ain't great. But just have a drink or a coffee meet with a few guys and see how it goes. That's the first step anyway.

I became a single mother, when my eldest was 3 months old . I met my amazing partner of 20 years when she was 4 . It can happen.

The thing is you're seeing those families for 5 mins, you e no idea what their lives are actually like. Just look on the relationship board on here to see the grass is definitely not always greener.

I dated a couple of times when dd was younger but then decided not to bother and just focus on raising dd and doing what I wanted to do.

It's all good, dd is now 18yo and I believe had a happy childhood with lots of lovely experiences.

Enjoy your children, focus on the things that make you happy and embrace your freedom.

This really sounds like negative thinking tbh
How do you know people only want a glossy optimistic new mum?
You also don't know how you would feel in a new relationship.
Don't get bogged down in what ifs

You're way overthinking it.

My single mum told me that at my baby shower she thought my ex was so great and she really wanted what we had and to meet someone just like him... this was a week before he walked out on me and decided I was too needy and he couldn't live with me. Just saying this because families might look perfect and happy it doesn't mean they always are. There will be women looking at your life with your (healthy?) kids and wish they had what you have too.

With dating, I think you need to meet someone you like who likes you back and all the logistics of kids or no kids etc will fall into place. I'm dating someone now with two older kids and it would definitely be complicated if we were to blend families in the future, but I'm not over thinking that now I'm just having a nice time a couple of evenings a week with a lovely man!

That's lovely :-)

True but also very cynical - why give up before she's even tried

Single mam to ds at 17. Dad nit at all in the picture, his choice.
When ds was 5 I started dating a friend and we've been together 30yrs , married 25.
We tried for children, never happened and we sre ok with this. He treats mine as his own and hes an amazing granda to ds kids.

Like others i wasnt looking. He'd been a friend for 2yrs . I would have been happy to set up with just me and ds .
Looking on fb everyone i know has a much more exciting amazing life than we do....but do they, a snapshot at the park/fb page isn't necessarily amazing OR the truth. What you seeis what people want to show and few lives are cosy all the time x x

Look after yourself, look after your kids x

You're overthinking honestly.

Please dont measure yourself against others. Half of those perfect familes will have split up a few years down the line and many of those proud fathers will be absent from their children's lives.

I was a lone parent of dc with additional needs and met someone when I wasn't looking. It can certainly be done.

It's not envy about the young couples with babies. I've been there, I know it's not all roses. It's my perception that most men will want to have that experience of being the new dad, besotted, and will usually want their wife/ partner not to have two kids already.
I'm not actively looking, and I have so much else in my life. I would be happy being single it's just nice to know that's a choice and not because there's no hope of ever finding a relationship again.

You have to look at it that it is showing you who to avoid. Some lovely young woman will end up with those idiots and have a terrible time. You can avoid that by seeing their "brutal honesty" for what it is.

Men worth anything will want to step up and fill the role of the idiot who left, the weak man who couldn't or isn't being the best role model for your kids. Those are the strong men, the keepers.

Yes, you are absolutely correct but it's not a popular view on here to point out the calibre of men available to single mums is dire.

The reality is, the vast majority of eligible men your age are going to want childless partners and experience having kids together in the way suggest.

You've been there and done it twice with another bloke.

That's going to limit your future relationships to men with lots of red flags.