To go with this theory on parenthood / working mums ?

[Keepgoing88]

So this is random but please tell me if it’s a dumb theory…
i had children in my late twenties / early thirties. I was working in a professional role and a graduate. None of my friends had children for at least a good 3 years after me. What struck me is that many assumed being a parent would have a detrimental effect on their career and it suddenly occurred to me that I never thought like that. My mum had 3 kids in her early twenties and then thirties, was the main earner in a lucrative professional career throughout my childhood. What I’m getting at is … I never associated motherhood with lack or ending career, however the majority of the friends who have delayed being a parent had stay at home mums. I just wondered if there could be a correlation in mind set. I’m sure if my mum had given up a career to have me it might have made me think twice about having children in my twenties. Also in my NCT group in my late twenties one of the mums said ‘oh I can’t imagine having a baby before 30’ and everyone agreed (all mid to late thirties). Turns out they all had parents who had given up careers / not worked after having children.

Depends what you mean by career and how 'big' a job qualifies as a career?

Transport is a big problem. If it wasn't for covid and my company finding a way to allow my role to be done from home I would have had to drop down to 7h days and stay on 5 days a week (35h total) instead of 8h days 4 days a week (32h). It would be too much of a drop to go down to 28h.
During the middle of the day there's one train and hour into Manchester. At rush hour there's a 2nd but they arrive and leave only a few minutes apart so don't change my working day. Our nursery is 7.30 -6 which means my working day is 8.45-4.30 due to train times and I go from a station one town over. If I went from my local station it would be 8.45 -4.15 as it's a slightly longer train and arrives at quarter past the hour so I can't make the full use of nursery hours. I do longer days on my WFH days so I average 8h per day over the week/month.

Before we moved we had 4 trains an hour and a 7.30-6.30 nursery which was living the dream but we wanted to be somewhere that was less "keeping up with the Jones'" and a bit greener! You don't have to move too far out of the suburbs to have a quite a drop on public transport.

I think our own experiences definitely colour our view and expectations.

My mum always worked part time. She also got divorced twice and I saw what a detrimental impact that had on her. But in family finances. So for me, I was never going to be a sahp or a part time worker.

But I also had my first child quite young at 20. I hadn’t established a career. I actually fell into my career when my first was a toddler. I had another child at 28. My career continued to rise. I actually ended up divorced in my mid 30s and was very grateful I did have a steady, decent, income. And my career has grown massively since then.

Now the kids are older (early and late teens) a lot of people who have my experience in the job are all taking a bit of a step back as they have young kids. So there’s lot of opportunities. I don’t do it the ‘correct’ way. I didn’t establish a career first. I did it after my first. So can’t say it impacted me or not.

I have seen it impact alot of careers though. But I think the main impact is when people return PT. Or have husbands who don’t take equal responsibility for children.

But I am the first woman in my family to work full time in a career. So I didn’t have the example of it. But I did know what I didn’t want.

I didn't make my point very clearly at all. It's true that if I did want to train and progress my career it would be difficult because of having DCs. Realistically it's not possible to be in two places at once. My choice is to remain at a lower lever, on less pay but at home with DCs rather than travelling and training and working myself to the bone like my parents did.

Taking maternity leave has not put me at a disadvantage compared to my colleagues at the same level who do not have children.

My choice is to remain at a lower lever, on less pay but at home with DCs rather than travelling and training and working myself to the bone like my parents did.

No I understood completely, as most women do. I'm not faulting your 'choice'. I'm faulting the fact that the choices for women who want DC are thus limited.

If only I could find a company willing to offer flexable training, a generous full-time wage for working 10am - 2pm, term-time only, and with unlimited parental leave the sky would be the limit!

Once again, I'm not criticising you. The fact that it sounds so pie in the sky put like that shows how much things are organised along a patriarchal model with the result that we're supposed to suck it up because of course anything better is impossible. This is just 'how it is'.

And extreme examples like your fantasy set-up vs long hours/working self to bone/not seeing kids are less of an issue than the side-effects of that thinking e.g. the extra guilt that women have to carry if their work does take them away from home, which just isn't a thing for men where that expectation's not there. Likewise the issues around part-time - so often women end up doing more work in less time, whilst also doing more at home because of their perceived 'time off' and expectation that they should be grateful for that privilege, when in fact they're juggling double responsibility and feel to be failing at both. This is the kind of thing I'm getting at, not what you've chosen to do given the options available. The OP talked about theory in a big picture way and that's what I'm responding to - the system and its disadvantages for woman overall, whether she was aware of them or not.

the extra guilt that women have to carry if their work does take them away from home, which just isn't a thing for men where that expectation's not there.

DH hated being away from home every week when DD was tiny (and reliant on me for milk etc). I’m the one away 3 days a week now (she’s 13, been doing this since she started high school) and I don’t feel at all guilty. She has 2 equally competent parents providing for her and caring for her.