To still be fuming over DH and lack of party help

[BigGoose]

So younger DS has SEN. I feel like DH never interacts much with him, whereas he does with older DS. He used to occasionally bathe, read with older DS. DH does now have a more demanding job. Tends to work 7am to 9pm. Which = me on childcare. Last week he knew it was younger DS party. We had a day to prepare. He always usually enjoys cooking, so I said if he could do cakes/shopping for party food. I’ll do party bags/decorations/social organising/prepare other party food.
DH made everything really negative and difficult - and said he had a headache. I offered several times to do it, but he refused. We ended up with shop bought cakes which he iced terribly. The only redeeming feature was an item I sourced and added to them. And a huge argument mid way because I offered to do them because I sensed his complete negativity at having to do them. He shouted at me, older DS heard, looked upset and went to bed. I’m still really angry because I want to know why he would have done this with effort and happiness for older DS, and not for younger DS.

I think you have the answer to this op

Favouritism

DH does now have a more demanding job. Tends to work 7am to 9pm.
How often is he working 14hr days? Is he just exhausted? Are you doing childcare plus work? Sounds exhausting for all?

I made the mistake of first party for DC like this - now we go to soft play etc and they take care of everything.

I cant face all this stuff and I work hours like your DH.

Tends to work 7am to 9pm

Fuck me I don't think I'd be in the mood for anything other than sleeping if I worked these hour.

Do you know if he really needs to work those hours or is he avoiding pulling his weight at home?

Based on my home life, I’d say poor time management, lack of organisation and overly focussed on the specifics of one task. However this does make him good at his job.

What does he do to work those crazy hours?! TBH if I worked those hours I wouldn’t be able to function in any other area of life. But are you saying you think he sabotaged the party on purpose as he doesn’t like his child because of his SEN? If so that’s a huge issue.

What's wrong with shop bought cake...make life easy for yourself. Are you working and doing childcare you need to get him to do his share if that's the case. He is working long hours though. He should treat both children the same though

What job requires those hours regularly?

Does he need to work 7-9? I'm assuming they're not his contracted hours. I think people get used to working late or weekends so he has got into a pattern but could probably change it. Does he earn mega bucks doing that?

I would tell him he should work early or late but not both as you have a family and it shouldn't all fall on you to do everything.

I don't want to come over all armchair psychologist, but what was his own upbringing and family life like?

SEN is highly heritable. Does younger DS remind him of himself or a sibling at a similar age?

Often inexplicable behaviour has its roots in long ago stuff.

Of course he might just be knackered and half arsing things he doesn't see much point in.

But how awful to prefer one child to the other.

Has he had any support to come to terms with the needs of his son?

Whats wrong with shop bought cake?

Its not ok, he is clearly differentiating but with long hours and his own needs, he may need some advice and help about how to manage his feelings about his son.

Is he actually working or avoiding mealtimes/bedtime etc