Just not into sex

[Notfeelingitever]

I always read that low libido is linked to a medical condition e.g. depression
What if I just have no desire to have sex and I'm quite happy about that?

Obviously this is now an issue for my partner and could end our relationship. However, as a peri-menopausal woman I just can't be arsed! I've also been like kinda this my whole life, my relationship with my husband was initially long distance so only on weekends/every other weekend which was fine but I've then struggled with having to be in to it more frequent.

I have enjoyed sex in the past and still have luscious thoughts on and off but now I'd rather read a good book. AIBU?

YANBU… know exactly how you feel

Yup. Post meno at 40 here. Couldn't give a shit about sex. Find the general obsession with it quite odd tbh.

I do miss the intimacy with DH. We could create that in other ways, but he is expressly not interested in doing so. Fair enough. We enjoy a good cuddle on the sofa (when the dog isn't getting in the way) and the occasional snog.

I knew it's not just me, but why do I feel like there is something "wrong"?

Happened to me, now know it was peri and menopause. Started hrt and it improved, added in testosterone and husband looks slightly afraid of me sometimes (he's got an early start on weekdays so doesn't need me giving him the eye at midnight 😀). I was nearly 40 getting married and my libido dropped within a few years ago, he never complained but I'm annoyed that my gp didn't suggest hrt when I went to her with so many symptoms in my early 40's, thankfully I bypassed her, seen a specialist and am feeling great now.

I had so many addtional hormones after 20 years on the pill. I'm done with hormones.

Of course not. People's sex drives vary. You said yours was never super high. You shouldn't feel forced to do anything sexual.
I hope your partner can be understanding. Noone has a 'right' to sexual contact with others.
Are you comfortable with masturbation? Some people aren't which is cool. As long as you don't feel you require sex then definitely don't do it, but it can be good to have sexual pleasure alone and that might lead to wishing for a bit more from others?

I was like this also in my 40s until I met a new man who re awakened my desire. Turned out I was just bored with my previous long term partner.

You are who you are. Some women have high sex drives. Some only feel in the mood when they're ovulating. Some not even then. From a biological/nature standpoint, there is no need for females to have a libido after their fertility has ended, so that's why it usually stops for a lot of women.

But we are more than just our biology. We want more than to just bear multiple children. We want relationships. So it becomes an issue when the desire for sex ends and the wish for the relationship remains, because men don't experience a natural end to their fertility and libido, and therefore to remain in the relationship means them making a big sacrifice. One that not all of them will make.

That sense of "wrong" you are feeling is probably because it just doesn't make sense that you're going through something completely natural, yet it might cost you your relationship. It doesn't seem fair. It's a shit deal being a woman.

This has just happened to me, overnight. I've always had a high sex drive, which caused problems when dh went through a low period. I've also been through a couple of years of surge, where I thought about sex all the time.

Dh is now much more into sex again but over the last month, I'm just not. Not been able to orgasm the last 3 times either, whereas I've always had to hold back in the past, because I'm so quick. Nothing has happened to cause this- no major stress etc.

Is this it? Hrt time? Mid 40s. Or do I wait for more symptoms? Periods generally regular but short. Feel irritated a lot of the time; horrible anxiety when period due. No night sweats or anything.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you to feel how you do.

You should have an honest discussion with your partner though as he is entitled to want a sex life and to be with someone who wants one too.

I have no libido whatsoever now, and that’s fine.

It’s fine to feel like this, but your partner didn’t sign up for celibacy. You might say you are done with hormones, but it isn’t fair to require and expect him to accept a celibate life- and for you to say that because you are fine with it, you aren’t going to try and work on it or seek solutions.

You do sound peri, night sweats aren’t something you always get, I only had them when drinking alcohol.
Id say not to get too bad before you get HRT, no need to these days.

Of course YANBU, but as you see from so many posts on MN that longer term libido mismatches do result in serious relationship issues. Based on posts I've read on MN, it seems roughly equal split between women and men? Less/more doesn't matter but the couple need to be in roughly the zone for frequency?

I've certainly noticed over time when DH has been less or more interested. It's the same with me.

If I'm honest, there are times when I go along with it, because I know DH is interested. However, I do my best to engage and be an active participant :) I know it's the same for DH. He'll go along with it if I want something.

I'm somewhat sensitive to this topic, because I was in an LTR that was great except for this aspect. It was what caused that relationship to end. It took me years to see that he'd only do what he wanted, when he wanted. That's not OK for me, all of the time.

If I never had to do it again I'd be happy, but that isn't compatible with maintaining a relationship in most cases.

Those of you who say you'd be happy never doing it again, do you think it's a side effect of losing your libido? Currently, for the first time since puberty, I get what some of my friends say when they say they'd rather read a book etc, and it horrifies me. I feel like I've had a part of me cut away. Hoping it's just a warning shot and hormones will settle a bit. But it's been a few weeks.

I was exactly like this after having kids and it contributed to my divorce. I've now met someone new and am having masses of fab sex, both with him and alone. So in my case it was the situation, not me.

As others have said, there really is nothing wrong. A few thoughts from my own history. It's very possibly hormonal ...

• It's very possibly hormonal. But ask yourself is there something going on in your life, or something else that has changed? Extra long commute, family health worries, finances?
• Is it something with your DH? Are you not attracted to him any more? You mention thoughts about other people?
• If you still masturbate, but don't want sex with your DH, ask yourself why is that?

It's good that you realize the issue. You should really speak with your DH about your feelings. It's something you could work out together?

I think this is very common. I have only met one woman over my long life who genuinely needed sex a lot. Others had sex a lot but only because it kept their husbands happy (grim) or because it fed their ego to ‘be desired’. My conclusions on talking to many women over the years is that sex drive does fade in long term relationships. It always perks right back up in an affair situation or workplace flirting etc.

People who say low libido in women needs medicalising are talking bollocks in 99% of situations. It’s the high level of very unsexy domestic responsibility that makes women shut up shop imo.

Based on my experience for a successful relationship you need to be on roughly the same page on a number of important topics. For me it would include lots of things including attitudes to kids, lifestyle, spending/saving habits, work and I'd include sex. If any of those things are mismatched for me then I'd expect the relationship to fail.

You don't give a lot of info in your post but state "I feel like there is something wrong?" - could it be that something is wrong and libido is just a symptom of that?

To follow on from comment by a poster above...

Do you still masturbate? If yes, but you don't want sex with your DH then indeed would be interesting for you to think about why that might be.

And one other thought. Is your DH a good sex partner? Does he do the things you like to do? Is he selfish? Does consider your pleasure? Ensure that you finish?

Maybe your DH is "bad/lazy in bed"? Now that would be a huge turn off in a partner!!

I'm not taking hormones for anyone other than me. It's not his automatic right to sex.
I have been honest with my partner that I just don't feel it so much. Which is why I think he will eventually leave me. We do have sex probably around once to twice a fortnight and once I'm into it can be enjoyable, particularly the intimacy however I'd often sooner not do it. He continues to try and he is a considerate lover so it's not that. (There are a whole other bunch of stressors which also don't help but even when things are fine, I'm just not that bothered).

For others who've asked re masturbation, I'd have regularly (but not frequently) done this in the past but have no desire for this either anymore.

Just seems it's probably down to age /changes in my body. Womanly joys, I suppose!

good news is that you are your dh are aware of the issue, that's a huge plus. didn't discount the other stressors. wishing you all the best OP!