I think acceptance on our (parents’) part and time both work a lot of magic. When I understood that enforcing neurotypical patterns on a neurodivergent child was making me the architect of my own misery and actually discouraging me from deeply understanding my child’s needs, that’s when the record changed. I think having two neurotypical older siblings made the social experience harder initially. I had expectations based on what I was familiar with.
Autism is unfamiliar. And then, time and acceptance of how our ASD child is (not ‘who’ they are. We already know that), and what pleases them/what they actually want and need, becomes clear.
Social engagement was something that did happen and evolve over the years. But it was at my son’s pace. Having a child with autism reframed my mindset and approach to how we rubbed along in the household. Low stress. Lo-fi, I like to say. I learned what stressed my child and also, what stressed me. Was I helping or pushing too hard? I’d step back and readjust my approach. I was now using a different port of entry to my child’s inner workings than what I was used to. I had to be patient with myself as I familiarised myself with his needs.
I think the early years of parenting a child with autism is a dance with acceptance to the rhythm of love (full permission to want to slap me silly for sounding so trite to the point of nauseating! 😆). But love is what gets you through this difficult period of understanding autism and what it means for your child. We just want life to be smooth sailing for our kids because we love them so much! We want the world to be a safe and friendly place. The world is hard enough when you fit in! When you’re the parent of a child with autism, or just a parent full stop, your will is to bend and shape the world into a less hostile environment for your child. Over time, you’ll do it in your sleep. And over time, your ASD child becomes so much more adept at engaging. But I’m applying this statement to the children with autism who are capable of speech and who are capable of utilising their language skills to communicate their needs. I just feel like I ought to add that.
What helped my son, acutely, was group speech therapy at age 3-4. My son learned when to speak, when to listen, how to listen. The therapist did this through playing ‘cause and effect’ games (which children with autism tend to respond really well to). Hungry Hippos, Barbecue Party, and other cause and effect/action and reflex games can be a real hit. Kinetic sand is another great activity to connect with your child.
Going to a really supportive mainstream school has been a godsend for my son. He’s in year 5, loves facts and fact books, loves reading, loves Nintendo, and playing Uno, Exploding Kittens, and Poetry for Neanderthals. Though I really believe the group speech therapy he did in his early years was essential because it taught him the social cues of communication. It taught him how to utilise his speech to connect with others and how to respond to the world around him without it becoming an overwhelming experience.