To think that family isn't always everything?

[Wineisalwaysagoodidea]

Just that really. The whole 'blood is thicker than water' mantra.
I don't believe in it. On the whole, I really love (most of) my family. However, there's behaviours by some individuals that I just struggle to accept. My brother and one of my stepsons in particular.
I am not suggesting that they're just cut from my life, we are all human, and none of us are perfect, but I do think people should be held accountable. We wouldn't (or shouldn't) accept dreadful and behaviour from friends, so why from family?
My brother and I have now reached the point where we only see each other at family weddings/funerals and the like. We are both fine with this. However, my DH will not allow me to challenge my stepson (and he certainly won't - despises confrontation and worried about creating a rift that may not heal) but it just means that poor behaviour replicates over and over and over. As I respected the wishes of my DH not to confront, I have quietly withdrawn to allow them to spend 1-2-1 time. Regrettably, he rarely bothers with his DF and as an excuse has now blamed me!
What was I supposed to do? I can't win.

Of course it isn't. Some families are shit. I choose not to see several members of my family. We're all happier for it.

Correct. Family are just people with whom we have a biological link. Sometimes we like them - sometimes we don't. We can therefore choose the people (whether family or not) with whom we want to spend our time.

I don't think you can reasonably expect to dictate how your DH relates to his son. And I think just withdrawing in this situation was totally sensible. I don't see why it should matter to you if the son blames you for not seeing more of his dad, so long as your DH gets that it's not actually your problem? Or are you saying your DH blames you that his son isn't more involved?

I don't speak to my family at all. I hung around too long and put up with too much because "family", when I had kids I wanted better for them so I cut them out.

I always tell my kids that my love for them is totally unconditional, but their love for me should absolutely be conditional on me being a good mum.

My dp has an adult child who is just awful, so I don't see him at all, I won't move in with dp because I wouldn't have his child in my home at all under any circumstances either. It's fine to have boundries.

Thanks, @SarahAndQuack,
It's not DH who blames me, it's my stepson. As I wasn't home the last couple of times him and his wife visited, I've been accused of being unwelcoming and not making the effort.
Utterly flabbergasted by this TBH. Over the last decade or so, I have bent over backwards to accommodate them - and happily so, they're family and it's in my nature to enjoy doing things for others. However, over time, I have become completely disillusioned by their poor attitude and effort, so rather than causing an argument, I just started to pull back. This is now being levied against me and my poor DH caught in the middle.

@MamaWillYouBuyMeAWillYouBuyMeABanana - agree that it's fine to have boundaries, but as my stepson has never been held accountable, it's proving v difficult to put them in place.
The ex-wife of my DH doesn't help either. I was nothing to do with the split between her and DH, however, she does enjoy stirring the pot.