AIBU to expect support

[Tiredmum85]

I have been having issues with my 14yr old son for the past two years - bad behaviour at school, smoking weed, vaping and being horrible to us at home verbally but has included violence on occasion. During this time I have reached out and asked for help from many people including school doctors and social services but nothing has helped.

We had a particularly bad verbal argument recently which resulted in him running away. After he had been gone for most of the day I telephoned his grandad my dad to blow off some steam and moan about it after my first sentence which included me saying I don’t care he has run away and that I had had enough he shouted at me and hung up I tried ringing him back but he refused to answer. I then sent him a message saying he was rude to which he replied what sort of a parent am I to not care where my son is.

It has now been 5 weeks since we have spoken and I got a call out of the blue with him asking how we were? The conversation basic consisted of me telling him I was hurt by his message and felt he insinuated I was a bad parent and that if he hadn’t of hung up I would have been able to tell him that I knew he would just be at his friends house who lived close by. I told him 3 times in the conversation that he really hurt my feelings and all I got back was how do you think I felt by this time I was frustrated that he wasn’t acknowledging what I was saying so I blurted out if hadn’t behaved like a child and hung up on me the conversation would have gone differently. He hung up and we are now back to radio silence.
My Husband has said to just let it go and i was just being stupid calling him a child.

I acknowledge I shouldn’t have called him a child but over the course of my life my dad has always said whatever he wants without any thought on how he makes others feel and doesn’t care to rectify an issues just pretend they don’t matter and I have had enough.

Do I stick to my guns and try to make him understand that he can’t say want he wants without repercussions or do I do as I always have and just let it go?

Loads of different issues here. Teenagers aren't easy they push boundaries if given the chance. Does your son play up at school, out of school or just at home?
Your dad had the right to hang up in the first conversation as you stated you didn't care about the fact your son had run away. He could of listened to the rest but choose not to. How did you know he'd only gone to his friends? He called after 5 weeks and you brought it up again and because he wouldn't apologise/retract his opinion you decided he was childish and in the wrong. Doesn't matter who's right or wrong, if it's effecting you, you need to just let it go. If your happy for argument to carry on then do nothing. Maybe don't moan to your dad about the issues your having with your son.
You could see if social services can offer you help with your son. I don't mean put him in care, just to support and offer advice.

It sounds like you are at you wits end here and are asking for help in lots of directions and no one is listening or stepping up with the support you need.

You have reached crisis point and phoned your dad for a blow off. Your emotions all over the place and then you have reacted to what you see as another failure for anyone helping you and your son. I don't think it was OK the way your dad reacted, but it does sound like your reaction is based on the whole situation, rather than just your dad. You mentioned your dad has always said what he wants, with no thought for others-it is unlikely he is going to change now.

How much does your dad know of what has been going on? Is he normally supportive? Is he particularly close to your son?

What other family support do you have? What support has been offered by school, SS, GP etc for you specifically?

I would be incredibly concerned by what is driving a then 12 year old to smoke weed/vape. I know it happens but this is very young. What kind of behaviour is "bad behaviour" at school? Is there any additional needs (ASD/ADHD for example)? What is DH doing to help? What does your son say when you talk to him?