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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Confused

30 replies

TillyKister · 23/03/2024 01:05

I'm just wanting opinions please. I was once part of an online forum. The subject matter of the forum meant that like minded people came together, and it was a very pleasant group.

Some members of the group went on to build friendships outside of the group, on Facebook, WhatsApp etc. I did, and included in that friendship circle was a man who seemed a really nice, grounded, decent chap. I was married at the time, so chats were very much just chatty and there were no innuendos, or anything at all inappropriate. This carried on for nearly 3 yrs. As it turns out my marriage ended after I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me. The chats with this other guy had continued, and we have over the years discussed many things, and have had some really interesting conversations.

When I told this guy that my marriage had ended, he said he was there if I needed to talk. He then chose to tell me that as a result of our chats over the years he'd become very fond of me, and that I lit up his day when my messages came through, he said he'd also found me to be very intelligent and likeable from my messages, and their content. He's single, and has never been married.

Well as it turns out, we grew quite close. We unexpectedly had an opportunity to meet up, due to me having to work very close to where he lives for 3 days. He knew I was going to be quite local, but didn't say anything, so I asked if he wanted to meet up and maybe go for a drink. He was very enthusiastic. Well the day came, and I waited to hear from him, after a while I was a little unsure what to do, so I tried to contact him, I tried to call, but it went to voicemail, so I sent a text. Within minutes, he replied saying he'd fallen asleep. He said he was sorry, I just replied with it was fine, and we'd probably meet another time. He rang me briefly and said he was asleep, but he'd ring me later. He didn't call.

I sat and thought things through, and as he hasn't called so we could chat, I called him. I asked him during the call if he'd ever had any intention of turning up earlier that day. He became very defensive, and said he'd fully intended to. He went off on a tangent then wanting to discuss anything but that meet up. He told me I was being "silly" He then started telling me to repeat the letters spelling out S-I-L-L-Y stating if I didn't he'd put the phone down. I was very surprised by his behaviour. I ended the call quite abruptly saying I'd go to go and tend to something.

I really didn't like his behaviour, and after much thought I sent a text, I stayed that his falling asleep excuse sounded a bit flimsy, and it seemed odd that he woke up within minutes of my text... Yet he claimed to be 'dead to the World'. He also didn't call later that evening as he'd said he would, which is why I rang him.

After I'd sent the text stating that his "silly" exercise seemed to be taking the piss, and that his threatening to hang up if I didn't comply came over as very controlling, and demeaning of me. He again got very defensive. By this point, I'd decided I'd seen a side of him that I didn't like, and I wouldn't be in touch with him again. I then got a long text from him stating his 'truth'... It was basically all critical of me. How I had disappointed him in not believing his excuse of falling asleep (I'd told him I felt that excuse was untrue, and it was more a case he just didn't want to meet up)

Well the 'truth' just kept on coming, and by the end of it I just thought he was unraveling, it was very odd. I decided to just leave him with it, and blocked him. I forgot to block him on messenger though, and he sent me a message the next day on there like nothing had ever happened asking if I'd had a nice day. I didn't reply. I blocked him on that too.

I'm just wondering what people's opinions are on such behaviour? Does it seem odd? Did I overreact?
I've honestly never come across anything like this before. How can someone speak to someone for years, then behave like this?

I'm rather confused 🤔

OP posts:
Georgie743 · 23/03/2024 01:07

You sound totally reasonable, he sounds deranged. Also probably married / in a relationship.

Painalloverallthetime · 23/03/2024 01:13

Yeah I agree, he is definitely married.

Mmhmmn · 23/03/2024 01:15

Definitely strange. Insisting you spell out an insult to yourself does seem to indicate a controlling and overbearing personality.

magicstar1 · 23/03/2024 01:16

Did you post this before? There was a very similar thread a while ago.

if not, I’ll see if I can find it as you might find it useful.

HoppingPavlova · 23/03/2024 01:18

I think it’s quite likely he is married/partnered. Your visiting his location put quite the spanner in the works.

TillyKister · 23/03/2024 01:22

No I've never started any threads. I'm quite new, so have just been reading, and getting used to the site. I've replied to the odd thread, but that's it.

I've been looking through to see if there's anything been posted of a similar nature, but couldn't find anything. So I started this thread.

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 23/03/2024 01:25

Could he have been drunk?

Sounds like a classic example of behaving like a dick and then forgetting all about it.

What a twat!

ShrubRose · 23/03/2024 03:07

As PPs have said, he's married or crazy (or perhaps both).
The tell in this situation, imo, was this:
He knew I was going to be quite local, but didn't say anything.
There was some reason that he didn't want to get together. Probably would have been better to leave it alone at that point. People always tell us about themselves in some way - its our job to pay attention.

Mothership4two · 23/03/2024 03:45

I think if he had genuinely fallen asleep he would have been very apologetic, instead he behaved quite bizarrely. Maybe he is hiding something or maybe he is a bit strange. I think you have done the wise thing blocking him OP.

HollyKnight · 23/03/2024 05:01

Life is too short to be dealing with men with issues. Don't even waste your time trying to figure him out.

Mother2375 · 23/03/2024 05:23

Red flag. If a guy is genuinely into you, he would do anything to meet you. After messaging for over a week, as soon as I came back from a holiday, my husband was so into me, he asked to meet for a drink the day I came back. Moved our first date up from that weekend. A guy falling asleep and then blaming you? That’s “crazy” and creepy on another level.

Howbizarre22 · 23/03/2024 05:42

You’ve seen his true colours now you’re available. He’s an avoidant attachment style and also I must say an awful person. People can be very very different with friends and potential partners. Very different. Stay well clear of this one hes very toxic and sounds very nasty. I’m sorry x

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/03/2024 07:51

Ugh! I recoiled from my phone reading the 'S-i-l-l-y' excercise 😳
How mortifying.

I don't think he's married, but I do think he has issues and has been masking up to now.

Block everywhere.. and then block again.

toomanyy · 23/03/2024 07:55

God, the S-I-L-L-Y thing is terrifying, because I’ve known men who have behaved like that with their wives and had them so downtrodden by controlling and coercive behaviour.

You had a lucky escape, sounds like he was catfishing you.

KreedKafer · 23/03/2024 08:02

Of course you did the right thing. He’s either married, or isn’t who he says he is, or is absolutely fucking nuts.

Anyone who has ever seen the TV show Catfish will have seen this sort of thing.

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2024 08:04

There's nothing confusing here. You got close to his online persona, and this is not the real him.

He saw you as being vulnerable and thus perfect as a potential ego-stroke when you got divorced so began the flattery and lies.

The real him emerged when you wanted to meet.

He never wanted a relationship or to meet you. He wanted the ego-stroke only, on his terms. Yes, probably married.

Very glad you have blocked him everywhere.

It's best to never get close to someone you haven't met IRL. Their online persona can be very different to who they actually are.

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 08:15

Think he's just revealed himself as a person to avoid really. There's often no rhyme or reason that relates to us, regarding people's behaviour. Who knows how or why they are wired up the way they are. Some people are just difficult and self-righteous because they are.

Now you know how he can be. Moving swiftly on.

pictoosh · 23/03/2024 08:17

The repeated spelling out of S-I-L-L-Y is just bizarre and disrespectful however you paint it.
What a dick.

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 23/03/2024 08:19

He's either married, or there's a very good reason why he's never been married. He might just be someone who struggles with face to face relationships and prefers to keep it online and at arms length. Either way it sounds like it would never have got any further than a digital friendship anyway.

Towerofsong · 23/03/2024 08:23

He is either married, or he looks nothing like his profile picture, has some kind of issue or huge social inadequacy, and likes to hide behind a keyboard and develop non-real-life relationships.

Had you had any video calls with him?

His behaviour is extremely bizarre, and mocking you is inexcusable. Don't give any kind of free pass for that behaviour just because you previously had several years of online friendship (which he apparently wants to continue). It doesn't seem like you are, but am just underlining it.

Changingplace · 23/03/2024 08:28

He’s an absolute weirdo, you did the right thing blocking him and had a lucky escape not to meet him.

KalaMush · 23/03/2024 08:29

The problem with chatting to someone online for a long time is that you feel like you know them much better than you really do. You don't actually know someone until you've met them in real life. This guy sounds like a complete weirdo. You're right to have blocked him.

SKG231 · 23/03/2024 08:34

If he’s genuinely never had a relationship before it could have been sheer panic, nerves and inexperience that made him pull out at the last minute.

also if he’s not very confident or doesn’t like the way he looks etc he may have felt that you seeing him in real life would scare you off.

edited to add: he was deflected how he felt on to you. He was the one who felt silly but it was easier for him to try and make you feel that way rather than admit it himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2024 08:34

He's either married or there's something else about him/his appearance he doesn't want you to know. He's been playing you all along, op. Relationships like this simply aren't genuine.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/03/2024 08:59

He sounds like an absolute incel, utterly round the fucking bend. I'd warn the other mutual female friends about him too. I can't imagine he's married, who the hell would want someone like that as a husband?! Thank goodness you blocked him and didn't kiss or sleep with him. Imagine what he'd start saying if you told him you've changed your mind and don't want to see him anymore after actually dating him? Very lucky escape.

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