Dd15 doesn't give a shit,

[BadHare]

Vaping, getting in involved in drama with so many people, not doing homework or revision. I told her she needs to give me vape I knew she had or I would stop her from working her part time job, she took vape from her bra took a big drag and blew it in my face

Took her phone and she took it back, when I tried to get it from her she slapped me then kneed me in the crotch.

My younger son is distraught and worried.

Aibu to tell get to get dads and stay there for a bit and get her shit together!? I feel horrendous even suggesting it but honestly I've tried so hard and at the end of my tether and I have younger children who shouldn't be witnessing this sort of behaviour while trying to get to sleep

Sorry that was meant to say aibu to tell her she needs to stay at her dads for a bit and get her shit together

He only lives a couple of minutes away but she s doesn't get on with him that much, but I've been trying to make sure everyone is ok for so long and I'm at the end of the rope with her selfish attitude

Contact PEGS. Her behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable and they can help support you.

Thank you I've not heard of these

I can't decide whether ywbu to send her to her dad's, but I can totally see why you'd want to. Stroppy/acting out teen is one thing, but physically abusing you is another thing entirely. Is there any reason you can identify for the behaviour? Was it a sudden change?

I went to one of their training events a couple of weeks ago and they seem pretty good. Keep us posted 🌷

Not a sudden change, just getting called out on her vaping/drama

She's lovely if she's getting what she wants but she turns if she is stopped from doing what she want to do.

I will say I was physical getting her phone off her. Not hitting or anything but restraining and holding her arm against her while I took it so I'm not at all blameless

Following because I have similar reactions from my (almost) teenager.

I have contacted the GP for referrals, asked school to refer us to Family Support Worker, I’m doing parenting courses…

I've been trying to make sure everyone is ok for so long and I'm at the end of the rope

But this really needs a hard intervention. It is no way acceptable how she treats you. You have to protect your other child from this. Or he will learn from this by osmosis.

Send her to her dad's. And next time she goes physical on you phone the police. Let her see the consequences of her actions. She can't go round in life treating people like that.

Ok. I have to hold my hands up here and say that my DD is only 12, so I'm very much at the beginning of the teen journey. Just reading your above post though, I feel like it wouldn't be particularly unusual for them to throw a strop when you're putting your foot down about something. And then when you say you can get a bit physical, it's kind of modelling it to her iyswim? So I think you really need to put a stop to that. Easy for me to say obvs, but she's mirroring your behaviour. I'll try and think a bit longer about how to have an easier relationship, I'm,m sure it's possible.

I have to find ways with my ds to not get physical. I've taken the charger instead of the phone before now. I have a lock box, because he used to steal from me a lot. It's worth getting one. I have used family link app to lock his phone. You might be able to call the phone company and stop the service you're paying for. You can switch off the WiFi in the house or change the password.

I've done the Empowering parenting course. My ds is still no angel, and I doubt that he ever will be, but the physical and verbal abuse has toned right down to almost nothing.

💐 So sorry you're going through this OP.

That’s awful. Yeah send her to her dad’s if you need to.

Explain that physical violence is never ok and if she does it again, you’ll call the polic. And then do.

Change the wifi password each day.

Tbh I wouldn’t threaten to stop her doing her part time job. Surely that’s the one good thing she’s doing well?

You said that you were restraining her to get her phone.

I'd strongly recommend not doing that as she will see it as you getting physical and respond in kind.

If you do want to improve things then the triple P course for teens is very good. If you go to your GO and explain the situation then they may also recommend early help for you from social services.

It is reasonable to have consequences but if you are trying to physically take a phone from a teen who does not want to give it you do run the risk of it escalating.

www.brilliantparents.org/product/triple-p-teens/

Tbh if my mum had tried to stop me working, restrain me and take my phone at 15 I’d probably have responded physically. We didn’t have phones then, talking dark ages, but I did smoke. I’m not saying your daughter is right, in any way, but I can understand her reaction.
( I’m a model citizen now, there’s hope for us all 😊)

Thanks all, yes completely understand that she reacted to me physically taking her phone. I am so diplomatic and calm nearly all of the time and I just had enough and my rational thinking went out of the window. I should have taken her phone when it was easier to do rather than physically grab it off her.

Also the reason I mentioned not being allowed to work was the lack of school work, it had always been a condition of working that her school work came first and if she doesn't keep up then she doesn't work. Also it's giving her money to buy her vapes

Ah sorry i’ve just seen your update that you were physical with her to get her phone off her. In that case you don’t have a leg to stand on, sorry.

Getting work experience and having a chance to earn money is so important, regardless of implications. Don’t take thar away from her. I found my work experience much more valuable than getting however many top grade GCSEs tbh.

Have her school said anything? Is she actually failing subjects?

Are you able to sit down and ask her how she feels about things and what would encourage her to get on with some more homework?

Yes I have done this many many times, she always makes the right noises, but short of sitting down with her for every piece of homework she doesn't do it. She agreed about vaping but still buys them.

She's has had counselling, she says all the right things but in the end just does whatever she likes.

She was predicted 6s and 7s for gcse but in her mocks got 4s

She's clever but would rather be knocking about with her mates, on her phone and vaping than doing anything to do with school

Tricky. No physical. Be clever, you've now got all the info / ways to stop it getting to that stage again. I'd go back to basics, remind her that all privileges, phone, WiFi on and charger available, money, going out with mates, are all dependant on good grades to start with. She's familiar with that rule, so take it back to that.

General advice:

Working is really good for teens, if she's doing that don't discourage it

If you are worried about her GCSEs pick out important ones (probably maths and English first and then any others she might need) and sit down with her and do the homework together for those if she will tolerate it

Most teens respond much better to praise and rewards than to punishments so praise everytime she does do academic work. Maybe cash reward for working with you on gcse stuff?

The line - I want you to pass these do you don't have to resit at college/I want you to do as well as possible do you have choices - will get you a long way.

Try to ignore the vaping as much as possible.

Thank you.