To think this has caused my weight problem?

[waitforweight]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone has any knowledge or advice about this,

since I was a really young child, ive always been paranoid about my weight. I was stick thin as a child, like to the point I was underweight for a long time- not intentionally, it just seemed to be genetic. But I was still paranoid about being fat. As I got older I filled out a bit and put on weight but I know I’m NOT fat, my BMI is 19 ffs, but I’ve just never been able to shake off the fear that I am, even though I know I’m not. Every single bite of food I eat I have to mentally calculate the calories vs my bmr etc. I’m used to it now so it’s just sort of normal for me I suppose

when I was growing up, I was involved in a sport which unfortunately has a lot of pressure about weight. My mom constantly made comments to me about other people- calling them fat, saying they had thunder thighs, they were like elephants etc etc. there was worse stuff than that but I don’t even want to type it out. And the people never were bloody fat (not that it would make it any better if they were, but they weren’t even close to fat). She never said it to the people directly, she always said it to me because she constantly told me never to turn out like that, told me I would be repulsive if I was like that, boys wouldn’t like me, I wouldn’t be able to do my sport anymore etc. if I ate xyz I would end up the size of a house etc. she would be visibly disgusted and repulsed by other people doing the same sport as me if they were not completely stick thin.

Is it possible that the way my mom was has caused how much I worry about my weight? I’ve always felt a bit like a hypocrite or dramatic blaming her for it because she didn’t directly call me fat or directly make fun of my body, and obviously I’m an adult now and moved away so rarely see her but I always felt guilty blaming my weight fixation on her when she never really called me fat IYSWIM?

sorry not sure what exactly I’m looking for, just wondered if anyone has experienced similar and has any advice so I can live my life without worrying about every single calorie I eat? x

100% this could have caused your eating issues, it's absolutely classic eating disorder territory. Linking someone's worth to their weight. Doesn't have to be directed at you.
I'm sorry you're in this position op, I'd say you have an eating disorder (certainly body dysmorphia). I know it's hard to get NHS treatment unless you meet certain criteria but I'd try to find a private therapist if you're able, to explore this. Food, and your body, should be things you enjoy and appreciate in life, not a source of constant angst.

IS IT POSSIBLE?!?! For crying out loud OP I'd say it would be a miracle if you didn't have a disordered approach to food and weight after hearing that from your DM all through your childhood. She obviously had her own eating issues and passed them onto you - probably quite deliberately because she is obviously hungry up on people's self worth and success in life being linked to their weight and probably thought she was helping you by making sure you understood that.

Get some therapy. What you describe is no way to live.

Absolutely. I have this (a bit) and it definitely comes from parental expectations re: weight.
I have to give myself a stern talking to from time to time to avoid/stop disordered thoughts about food.

Every single bite of food I eat I have to mentally calculate the calories vs my bmr etc. I’m used to it now so it’s just sort of normal for me I suppose

This may be normal for you (sadly) but it is very disordered eating. And yes, it’s very highly likely your DM is responsible.

Can you imagine a life where you eat for pleasure? Eat a delicious meal while chatting, laughing and not considering the amount of calories you’ll need to burn off? Or not having to fib to people that you are actually stuffed because you had a huge breakfast?

This sort of low level eating disorder is very common and while difficult to get rid of entirely you could certainly look at improving it. Well done for recognising it and good luck with finding some healthier thoughts around what can be a beautiful thing as well as fuel for life.

Of course your mother is the issue. How could she not be? The person you look to for guidance and teaching in life as a child has dripped unhinged poison in your ears for years, and years. Of course this has hugely affected your psyche and attitudes to food.

I'd look for a really good therapist who specialises in eating disorders to help you recover from this damage.

Fat is nowhere near the worst thing someone can be. Evil, hurtful, selfish, abusive, are much worse!

Ps was it gymnastics? Lots of women have issues from this sport as kids.

Absolutely definitely your mums influence.
Person centred psychotherapy is your path now.

@FasterthanaButteredOtter I'm guessing gymnastics, dance (especially ballet), figure skating or high-level dressage.

The number of friends I have who participated in those sports as kids and still have active or background EDs in their 40s is off the chart.

I hope things have improved, because it was a form of child abuse, IMO.

Your issue with food is 100% due to your mother. Luckily this is a problem that's easy to understand and easy to remedy. There's a part of your subconscious mind that is still working on the basis that your mother said was true and, that to gain her approval, you have to stay slim and count calories. It just needs to know that that's no longer the case and it can stop.

Well, I worry about my weight. I watch what I eat and think I'm too fat at times despite having a BMI of 21. My mum never said a single negative thing about being fat. She was overweight/obese her entire life and her philosophy was very much that life was too short to worry. In her case, it was short. She died in her early 60s of an obesity related illness. I imagine that's at least part of the reason I worry about being fat. Should I hold her responsible for that? I don't, because women's relationship with food and weight in a society that simultaneously tempts us to consume more food than we possibly need, while telling us our bodies are disgusting if they are larger than a certain size, is always going to be complex. Your mum sounds tactless and unkind, but you're a product of more than her influence alone.

You have all my sympathy OP, I too have a mother who is obsessed with weight and dieting and was obsessed with my weight (she took me to Weight Watchers age 5!) It took me years to not see myself as a massive failure because I’m not her ideal and lead me to indulging in some pretty questionable behaviour as a teen desperate for someone to approve of me.
I had it out with my mum a few years ago and since then she has not mentioned weight or size in front of me or, more crucially, my child. I’ve got to a place where I actually feel sorry for my mum as she missed out on so many experiences due to her hang ups, I’m determined not to let body image impact my relationship with my child and the memories we make.
I wish you all the luck 🍀

This is 100% down to your mum and all the things she said to you.

There is also a good chance she was an awful woman and mother in other ways if she was getting on like this.

Went through the same, came out the same.