Reaction of friends as I recover from bereavement.

[Hfromthenorth]

My partner died last year following a very long and painful illness. I nursed him for more than a year and was unable to get out and about for even longer. I have now started to feel more like socialising and I have been upset by reactions of some of the friends I used to go to go to events with. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I might be able to fall back into the large social group I used to be involved with? Some of them have moved on - moved away, retired and spending time travelling, or started new relationships. Some are still going to the kind of event I used to go to with them, but have not asked me if I would like to go along- just told me after the event how good it was and that I should go to another performance or whatever!! I have found that hurtful and think it is thoughtless. One particular couple have been lovely and have said that when they next book tickets they will contact me to see if I would like to join them for anything, but the others have shown no inclination to include me other than one evening when there was a spare ticket due to illness. I am trying very hard to keep busy and to do as much as I can of the things I enjoy , but it's not easy. I have concluded that what I need is some new friends, but that doesn't happen overnight. I suppose there is nothing I can do about the lack of interest in including me. I don't want to upset any one by voicing my feelings becuase regard them as my friends

Have you told your friends you are available? Like 'that sounds lovely Susan, next time I'd love to be included'! Or take the initiative and ask if they would like to go to X event. I'm sure they are just used to not asking you so it doesn't occur to them, rather than not wanting you along.
Having said all that, I'm a widow and I rarely get invited if whatever event is a couples thing or if the people that would be doing the inviting are a couple. It's like they think I can't cope being surrounded by other couples? Don't know how to talk to a man? Will feel left out (can hardly feel more left out than not being invited in the first place)?

Thank you MondaytoSunday. What you say makes a lot of sense.
I have been very open about wanting to get out and resume a social life. Yes, I have shown enthusiasm and expressed a desire to go to particular events but I've had responses like - it's still on I am sure there will be tickets left. I have also asked if they would like to go to a particular event and on a couple of occasions a single woman came with me and we had a lovely time, but I have also has been thanked by others and declined , even told 'we are already booked'.

Was in similar situation to you OP. Some surprising new friendships came from unusual quarters - good people who just understood. Likewise some closest friends made absolutely no contact at all.

I made myself go out and about alone socially - to be “seen” publicly out and about, hard as it was (a drink in the pub, cinema, being seen out on my bike, coffee with older people, yoga class and so on) - and some things grew from there, people started including me.

I also found the online organisation called WAY / WAYUP (Widowed and Young / and older) truly invaluable. It’s nationwide, in addition to online help and friendly chats, some local groups meet up for coffee/cake, restaurant meals and so on - people who are in the same situation, they understand, no need to explain…

Equally you can just reach out to someone there who lives locally and meet and chat.

Thank you VWT5. I will look up Widowed and Young. I'm sure what you are saying is the way forward but still very hurt that many of my old friends have done little to engage with me since I've started to circulate again.

You are in the club nobody wants to join OP. I am so sorry for your loss.
IME you end up with fewer friends, the ones who stick around are good ones, you make new ones, usually people in similar circumstances.
Sometimes you still get an unexpected shock.
Recently the wife of an old friend asked me if I have got over the death of my son yet. That was tricky.
It is very hard and exhausting.

Nothing lets you know who your friends are like widowhood! Unfortunately I found that in reality I had very few friends. It’s a painful process OP and I feel for you. I can say that it does get better over time as you settle into a new life, it did for me anyway. Just a note on WAY: I found that if you don’t grieve in a particular way then you won’t be welcome there.

Ah yes sorry, it’s rubbish. I too found that by the time I was ready to go out I’d been left behind. And it wasn’t as simple as just asking and inviting myself. I got the impression people thought it was somehow unseemly for me to be out having fun. Hardly fitting for a grieving widow. I was invited for a coffee or a chat - but a fun night out, no.

Since losing my Dad last year, I've really narrowed my social circle. In your hardest times, you really do find out who your true friends are. And family aren't often much better in truth.

You'll find a way forwards - just maybe in a different direction.

I think message people individually and ask if they would like to go to a specific event with you.

also contact people outside of this friendship

This is intriguing. How do you mean?

I threw an enormous birthday party and invited everyone. Basically a 'life is short, let's party' do. I really think that helped.

I also found WAY wasn't for me but I know people who've benefited.

I think that compared to some cultures, a lot of British people are truly dreadful at dealing with bereavement, and behave as though it’s an embarrassing ailment that only happens to an unlucky minority. Which doesn’t help in your disheartening situation, I realise. You say you don’t want to voice your feelings because you ‘regard them as friends’, but honestly, what do you have to lose? You’ve lived through one of the most difficult situations any person can face, and now you’re dealing with another unexpected setback — what would be the downside of saying ‘Look, I’d love you to include me in social events — I’m feeling as though I’ve been dropped’?

C.S Lewis said "To some I'm worse than an embarrassment.I am a death's head.Whenever I meet a happily married pair I can feel them both thinking.'One or either of us must some day be as he is now'
Not very helpful I know but my partner died 6 months ago and this has been exactly my experience.I feel totally apart from friends and colleagues, almost ghostlike, it's been the strangest experience.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, you are now to their minds a single woman. As a single woman, you are suspect. You may steal their husbands. You may unbalance the numbers at a dinner party. It's bizarre - but a common experience. Also, you remind them of death, but mostly you are a single woman.

I’ve found the same since my husband died last year. Some old friends have completely ignored me - which is a bit hurtful.

But, I’ve made new friends in the most unlikely of scenarios.

Losing a partner is a real learning curve in respect of other people.💐

Yes, I found the same. And with other bereavement sites.

They help some people, but I found that they fixated on their losses, and seemed to be reluctant to talk about anything else.

The conversations that most help me are about other stuff - whatever it is. To have a laugh about something.

My grieving I do in private.😗