Fed up with colleague, but no way to deal with it

[FooFighter99]

I am so fed up with my colleague, it's really beginning to get me down but there's very little, if anything, I can actually do about it

She's worked in our office for over 20 years, doing the same job day in and day out. She's mid 50's, has a problem with alcohol and does nothing but whinge about everything

We started off being really good friends when I joined the team 10 years ago, but it's evolved into her using me to moan to about anything and everything, sometimes about things that she REALLY shouldn't be telling me - ringing me at weekends when she's had a bottle (or 3) of wine

She's become so negative in the last few years, she swears A LOT to the point she and I had to switch desks so she was further away from the door as her voice carries and the CEO could hear effing and jeffing from his office....

She's also a terrible gossip, and is always talking about our other colleague's health issues with such venom that it's really stressing me out and I worry I'll get stuck in the middle (she only knows about the health issue because our manager told her, which I'm sure is a breach of confidence!!) so we definitely shouldn't be discussing it - HR would have a field day with her!

She's been off today and has just rung me to drunkenly rant about our colleague (who had luckily just left for the day)

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take

Send help!

Stop engaging with her as much as possible. For a start don’t take her drunken calls.
If the CEO heard her effing and jeffing why wasn’t she disciplined at the time?
Can you complain to your line manager?

You need to take control. Put the phone down to drunken rants. Don't reply to gossip. There is no reason to be polite to rude people. I'd also involve HR.

I know I need to back away from it. I have started to try and do that when she moans and I just try and shut the conversation down

Unfortunately it's our line manager who gave her the info about our colleagues health issue, they're good friends and have both been here for decades.....

We're public sector, so not very easy to get rid of people and a lot of things get brushed under the carpet

But I wholly disagree with how she is and the way she talks about people/the way she conducts herself

I may have to go to our FTSUG if things keep going the way they are

Just shut it down with an urgent phonecall/walk off to printer/go to the loo. Don't give her any impression you care. Public sector means she'll probably be there for life, so you will need strategies.

Stop answering her calls for a start.

I didn't know it was her, she rang on my office phone

If she rings me again later on my mobile I won't be answering!

I do try to do this, and grey rock, but she's relentless

It's exhausting, I very often go home with a headache

I really do feel your pain, I worked in the public sector and it was very difficult with some 'colleagues'. But I'll put it this way, it's you or her. I ended up having a breakdown (other issues also tbf, but certain colleagues were a big contributory factor). Just make your excuse and put the phone down.

“Seriously Sandra please stop phoning me. Also I’m not sure you should be talking about Jim’s health issues. I’m sure Pauline probably told you in confidence didn’t she? Even though she shouldn’t be telling you things like that! She must know that!”

I have a similar problem in a colleague. Not the drunkenness but the constant negativity and slagging off of other colleagues. It's depressing and I much prefer it when she is on leave or WFH. It's really draining isn't it?

Also I'm worried I'll get tarred with the same brush as it's always me she comes moaning to as I was her mentor when she started.

I just try to keep my replies as short as possible and look busy or pretend I need to make a phone call. Also in the public sector.

Sending sympathy your way in bucketloads. My colleague is so, so draining that I was recently signed off work with stress. This person has such an impact on my overall happiness and its absolutely soul destroying as time goes on.

Can you start shutting her conversations down with "I'm not comfortable talking about this with you/while you're drunk"?

Is there another team or area you could move to?

If she's gossiping about others, she'll be gossping about you too.

I really relate to this. Please know, it's not you, it's them x

Sounds like her alcohol problem is escalating and effecting her mood, judgement and personality. The usual advice I'd give here isn't really viable with an alcoholic who is going down the slope. So I'd say, distance yourself from a personal friendship and talk to your manager about any professional impact she's having. You can't help her and shouldn't go down yourself trying to stop her drowning.

Thank you so much. You start to doubt yourself but I've never had an issue like this with anyone before. It has actually been the lowest point of my career. The person has a strange mixture of incompetence and mental health issues and I am constantly trying so hard to make the situation work and have spent so much energy trying to be positive, supportive and helpful that I started crying in work one day and had to go home because I felt like I just fell apart. I just can't keep the mask up any more.

Trust me, I have been on a very long journey trying to keep it up and it just broke me. So don't do that, it gets you nowhere.

And pm if you want to vent. No bother.