Boyfriend never wants sex

[Kiki92]

I'm in a good relationship with my 35 year old BF and have been for 1.5 years now. It's perfect in all ways, apart from sex.

My partner just isn't interested in me sexually whatsoever. With the exception of 3 times in our relationship, I haven't been able to initiate sex without being rejected. It's all on his terms, and that's rare (monthly approx). Sometimes he won't even kiss me. It wasn't like this at the start.

I know he watches porn, so I'm starting to think it's something to do with me. It's starting to make me feel really ugly and undesirable. I'm wondering what's wrong with me. I've never been in a relationship where this has been an issue.

If I send him a naughty message during the day, it's flat out ignored and he'll change the subject. If I flirt, I'm shut down: "Don't be crude", "Don't be rude", etc. I've tried to explain how I'm feeling (many times) but he tells me there's no issue.

I wouldn't say I have a high sex drive. Once or twice a week would suit me. I partly feel like I'm overreacting, which is why I thought I'd ask for some advice...

Run! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He's not the one. How long are you going to let yourself be unhappy?

No good can come of this, OP. You need to end the relationship. There are countless threads on here about porn-addicted men who can no longer be intimate with their partners.

It’s not a good relationship. You’re not overreacting at all and I wouldn’t have put up with this for 18 months. As always, where it looks like sex is the issue it’s only part of the picture. Communication obviously doesn’t work well, he’s chipping away at your self esteem, he’s probably a porn addict.

There’s nothing wrong with you! Please break up with him and reclaim a decent sense of yourself as a person who’s desirable, attractive, worthy. Stop flogging a dead horse, it’ll ruin you.

This. Don't waste your best years. You will forever regret it. Bin him off and find someone interested in you.

You send him a flirty/rude message and he tells you to stop being “crude” yet he watches porn? Contradictory.

You're crude for wanting to have sex with your partner but him wanking to porn isn't???

Dump. Dump. Dump.

And be honest about why.

Run, it will never improve. You deserve more than this. To me the sex sounds like a huge issue, but so does the gaslighting.

What's the possible list; gay, porn-added, asexual, wants weird shit, getting it elsewhere... The least likely is that he's picked you even though of all women he doesn't find you attractive. None of that is good.

What baffles me is how you ended up 18 months later. Were you shagging like bunnies at the beginning? Once a month must have been going on for a significant amount of the 18 months to be a pattern.

I don't know why I'm waiting around for this to improve. Maybe I think I can start to accept it at some point?

The remainder of the relationship is genuinely very good, which confuses things. He's kind, thoughtful, he meets every other need I have. It's a loving relationship in every other way. Just not sexually.

"Just not sexually"

This isn't a small issue OP. Its not like he refuses to take the bins out.

He's denying you a loving, fulfilling sexual relationship. Something you want and obviously care about.

Do you really want to look back on your life and have forfitted that?

What about kids?

You're 35. I would be telling him he needs to quit porn and focus on your or you're out.

Does he have any health problems? there are loads of conditions that honestly effect libido. (when you mention about the text messages that's a flag)

@Kiki92 he's not the one for you.

He probably really likes you but he either doesn't fancy you or he's strangled his cock to death watching porn and struggles to get stiff and stay that way with an actual in life partner.

He's not being honest with you either way and if you don't have honesty or sexual intimacy, you don't have much.

Throw this one back.

Leave him before your mental health suffers (and it will). I'd advise the same in reverse too. Sexual compatibility is so important and really affects people's sense of self worth if their partner is dismissive of and non communicative about their needs.

He has a libido enough to watch porn, he just doesn't want a sexual partner.

I've been married 15 years and my DH hasn't wanted sex with me for ten of them, the other five were mostly about getting pregnant. He wasn't like that before we were married but he went off me sexually after I got pregnant and it's never come back. He doesn't hug or kiss me either. I'm very lonely and no longer enjoy spending time with him as I feel like some kind of acquaintance or flatmate.

My advice is to get out and find someone else. My DH is also a nice guy but it really doesn't make up for the lack of affection and sex.

There have been some really interesting discussions about porn and the effects of it this week on Women's Hour there was one I think last Friday where 3 men talked about its effect on them and you might find it useful, you can get it on BBC Sounds - but ultimately you can't underestimate the effects of porn on relationships and real life sex.
Prioritise yourself and don't minimise how big this is , ask him to go the counselling with you and if he refuses say goodbye.

Honestly? Your partner should make you feel good about yourself. You are now worrying that you are undesirable so this guy doesn’t do that. It’s time to move on.

Sorry I know I'm months late with this but your post is still coming up and, based on your title, I have to ask "how can you call him a boyfriend if he's refusing sex?"!

I would imagine she found somebody else.

I hope she has!!
I can't imagine a boyfriend not wanting sex. Actually I can't imagine a man not wanting sex!

I was in a relationship like this. I did leave but it deeply eroded my self esteem.

Go before this happens to you