AIBU to ask how long the extreme pain of break up lasts?

[Robinredbrest]

My 20 year relationship imploded this week and DH packed his bags and left. He’d been having an affair, put me through months of hell where he wanted to work things out with me and said he loved me when actually he was in contact with her all along. I thought we were the perfect little family, lots of love, regular good sex life, and a real little unit so I was blindsided. He apparently loves the OW though and has gone to her. We have young children as well who we haven’t told yet and that is breaking me.
I'm on day 3 and it hurts so much I can barely describe the pain. I feel distraught and broken and bereft.
How long does this pain last?

I think a rule of thumb is a month for every year of relationship. Keep strong there, it is totally a shit situation to be in. How old are your children?

I'm afraid with most of us it lasts a while. The shock is devastating. The problem is, that at the start, each day feels like it goes on for a week. Time slows down and stretches out.

You do a week and then another goes by, time slowly speeds up again. You might find yourself laughing one day at something. You will recover. Don't be afraid to ask for support from friends/family/GP.

And I'm sorry. This is all too common; you're very far from alone.

I wouldn't expect to feel any other way right now but it will slowly get better. Meanwhile, she's bagged herself someone who is capable of extreme lies and deceit.

Traditional folk lore says a year and a day.

IME I'd say that's about right.

My friend really suffered for a year, end of 30 year marriage plus he left for OW. She is doing much better now. I think it’s important to understand that it is a type of grief and not just unhappiness.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'd say it does last a long old while, but not always all the time. I found that as time passed I had more times in the day when I didn't feel so bereft, not happy but just not quite so awful.
I read Rosie Green's book. You need to take some of it with a pinch of salt but there's great solidarity in there.
Brilliant friends and family got me through, as well as starting to run regularly (such a stereotype 😆) and cutting out alcohol for a few months (hard if you just want to neck a full bottle of wine once the kids are in bed every night). Having a very angry friend who I could do the whole "men are scumbags" with was cathartic too.
Sending

Ahh I'm sorry this has happened to you. Almost the exact same happened to me a few years back, together 20 years, left me for other woman, put me through hell, saying he wanted to make it work while still being with her!!! 10 days after he left he started begging to come back again. Stupidly I accepted and after 3 more years of hell.... I wish I'd stick out the pain and saved me from the hell I've been through!! It will not last forever and soon you will realise you are worth so much more than this!!! You will start to enjoy your life, sounds stupid now.... It did to me!! But I promise you it will happen for you too!!! Be strong, it will be worth it.

🤣🤣 I also took up running!! Started at a mile all those years ago, got my 1st marathon coming up next month!! Definitely good therapy!!

It depends a lot on how you handle it. Obviously you can't go no contact as you have kids. But you can do the best alternative, which is to only contact in a calm businesslike way about the children, and other commitments, and nothing else. No emotional stuff. Or chit chat, or digging. He is now your co-parent. Not your confidante or friend or lover. Go ahead and delete and block on social media so you don't have to see what he's up to. Every time you look or go back over old messages it just makes your brain think they're a present part of your life romantically and it reopens the wound.

Focus on exploring your new life. You're single now! The world is your oyster. Make space for grief, counselling can help, but start leaning into the new you and the things you can do that are new. Make new things he has no part of. New hobbies, experiences, friends, lean on the ones you love. The sooner you build a life that isn't much to do with him apart from coparenting the sooner you will heal.

And you will. You will heal.

Blimey you did well! I took up alcohol and stopped the running 🤣

@thatgirlinjapan haha, well that was only after a couple of very miserable months when I realised that drinking on the sofa most evenings wasn't going to make me happier 😂

Thank you everyone for responses. I hurts so much I feel like it will define me forever. Our relationship always felt so loving to me until the last month or so, which was unfortunately when the other woman presented herself. I feel so broken and sad. Thank you for solidarity 💗

I can absolutely totally guarantee that this time next year you will not be feeling this pain.

You may still be a bit sad, but the tearing grief cannot be sustained that long.

You'll be OK, you'll see.

First 3 days is the worst. Absolute hell.

then 3 weeks of proper moping. Random crying, being absolutely horribly horribly miserable.

move on to 3 mth of feeling very vulnerable and fragile. Somewhere about the 9mth mark, you regroup. It gets better. Promise x

It was a couple of years before I started to feel properly ok tbh. That initial pain subsides but those first weeks and months were tough. There were things that didn’t help though. My ex used to come to my house every day to see DS after school until I got home from work. I saw much more of him than was good for me right up until covid really. Being able to WFH was a game changer for me.

Take it a day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Stay busy with the kids - plan stuff, do stuff. It will help all of you.