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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone have truly supportive friends?

42 replies

malificent7 · 21/03/2024 09:27

I realise that a few of my female friendships have been toxic and competetive.

Female friend 1- always went out with exes, competed through kids, my dad and her mum started dating after mum's death and expected to be instant " family" even though I don't want that.
Threw massive hissy fit when my dd didn't want a cousin or even friend relationship with her dd ( who was horrid to mine). Threw a bigger hissy fit as I distanced myself from her mum for various reasons. Now sees more of dad than I do...i feel sad.

Other friend got stroppy when I got married.

Another friend got jealois when I trained for my new career and said that AHP/ medics only do it for the money...er no...it dosnt pay that well and I do need money.

Other friend criticised my parenting.

I am not saying I'm the best friend ever but atm I only have 1 true friend...where can I find supportive people.

Love my colleagues but I am not super close to them.

I post about this a lot as it bothers me.

OP posts:
Revelatio · 21/03/2024 09:30

Yes, all my friends (male and female) are supportive. I wouldn’t be friends with them otherwise.

lallaland123 · 21/03/2024 09:33

Yes my friends are very supportive ( but i only have 2 as im not very social person )

I had though in the past experiences similar to yours and i just slowly withdrew myself from such friendships X

MardyBigBum · 21/03/2024 09:33

True friends don’t do the things you’re describing, they’re happy for you and celebrate your successes. Could you try to foster a relationship outside of work with one of your lovely colleagues? When I think about my own friendship group, some of the best friends I have are from my first workplace which I left over 20 years ago.

OhItsOnlyCynthia · 21/03/2024 09:40

I do actually, I'm very lucky. My best friend is brilliant in all ways, she's an absolute gem.

OrigamiStar · 21/03/2024 09:42

The question here is why are you choosing so poorly, surely?

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 21/03/2024 09:47

Via work visiting clients for coucil and or NHS, I noted that so-called "supportive-friends" rightly so had limits and alife of their own

Even when people offer support, only take it when you really need it as I found out via work, many friends soon became invisible friends. However, there are always excepetions

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/03/2024 09:54

Yes I suppose...why am I choosing so poorly.
Friend 1 and I met when I was at extremely vulnerable life phase.
Jealous friend about wedding= old work colleague.
Jealous friend about work = old school friend.

OP posts:
Mindyourfunkybusiness · 21/03/2024 09:56

All my close friends are amazing and are amazing to each other (we've been friends for over a decade). We can all holiday together no issues, I trust them all with my life and know they support each other. They don't cross over that much individually but when we are a group it's also easy and amazing.
No one is competitive, everyone just wants what's best for everyone. If there's jealousy, it's vocal and kind. Everyone is a good person/morals so there aren't many things we disagree on so that helps.
Honestly, I met these people in my teens, there's a couple from 3 years ago who also seamlessly joined. It's about finding good people who are good and kind at their core.
We ruthlessly cut out bad eggs. As a group. If someone wrongs one of us, we are fully aware it can be done to others. What's left the the most amazing collection of people I am blessed to have in my life! Honestly, I am very lucky! It took a while of their support to understand when someone is taking too much from a friendship etc. Real friends really just want what's best with you.

OrigamiStar · 21/03/2024 09:57

malificent7 · 21/03/2024 09:54

Yes I suppose...why am I choosing so poorly.
Friend 1 and I met when I was at extremely vulnerable life phase.
Jealous friend about wedding= old work colleague.
Jealous friend about work = old school friend.

Well, that makes sense, if these friends either date from long-past situations or were from vulnerable life stages. Time to let go of people who make your life worse, rather than better, and be much more stringent with standards when making new friends.

Herdinggoats · 21/03/2024 09:59

I think I’d just feel sorry for anyone going out with any of my ex’s 🤣

Happyinarcon · 21/03/2024 09:59

One true friend is just fine, look at that as a blessing. More will turn up down the track

Twiglets1 · 21/03/2024 10:03

My friends are supportive to an extent. But one of the negatives for me during Covid was feeling particularly vulnerable because I worked face to face with many people in a school, & finding my friends to be not very supportive. I think Covid made a lot of people more self centred and only seemed to really care if they were ok & their families, not genuinely care about others.

It caused a rift in my friendship group that various people felt unsupported at this very emotional time ( not just me, another friend went on long term sick leave and was not treated very sympathetically by certain others). We have tried to get back to normal afterwards but tbh the group is not as strong now as it was before as Covid held a light up to the weaknesses within the group dynamic.

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/03/2024 10:04

Mindyourfunkybusiness...I envy your grouo.

I do wonder what you mean by 'cut out bed eggs' though.

I am scared of female cliques...prob stemming from school. I am part of a loose friendship group who are really my dh and his exes group of friends. A couple of women in that group are hostile towards me ....no idea why...prob because I am the new woman. Dh ex cheated on him and split up the marriage way before I met him! But somehow I am fallout girl as they are chummy af with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/03/2024 10:05

So I feel like the bad egg in that clique.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/03/2024 10:06

"Bad eggs"..not "bed eggs!"

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 21/03/2024 10:07

All of my friends have been supportive though I did have an issue with two of them. Those friendships have now ended. With one of them it was at a time I was very vulnerable as my DD had died, I look back and that person took advantage of me and she was highly critical. She had a bit of a shit life really. The other was great towards me for a long time though a little bit critical, that ended when she got a partner as I was of no more use to her. That’s the one that hurt at the time.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/03/2024 10:11

I do think that people have their own problems, being supportive has to be a two way street. I would say I have one friend my own age right now who's super supportive, but others have drifted away sadly. I have lots of really lovely older friends who are mega supportive but their outlook is somewhat different due to the age gap.
The things your so called friends are doing sound horrible. I would definitely distance myself from them. I had one friend who seemed like she wanted my friendship but genuinely hated me...for some unknown reason? I was like, why does she even speak to me? Lol. Obviously deeply insecure to treat people this way.

Jackierussell123 · 21/03/2024 10:13

I had and still have issues with my female friendships. I’ve thought about this a lot and think it’s a lot to do with having a mother who i had to work very hard to please as a child. And , lo, 40 years on, I have friends who like to keep me on the backfoot and throw moods with me when I don’t please them! I also forgive too much bad treatment. Im working on it….
one true friend is a gift, OP, cherish that above those who have let you down.

MargotMoon · 21/03/2024 10:15

When you say, "I'm not saying I'm the best friend ever" do you mean you've done things to upset them? Good friendships are a two-way street.

FourLeggedBuckers · 21/03/2024 10:15

Adult friendships are a bit weird. Sometimes people do get into a weird dynamic, or have unrealistic expectations of friendship, or are just generally mismatched as people. What I find strange is that sometimes people are advised, or feel obliged, to continue with friendships that are fairly toxic, for old time’s sake.

If people aren’t enhancing your life (and I don’t mean the odd trivial blip, or when a friend is struggling themselves), you should move on and find people who do fit into your life.

I have fairly low expectations of friends - I mostly just want to have a laugh with people when we meet up and not have a lot of pressure when we aren’t doing something. That doesn’t work for a lot of people, but that’s fine - you look for people you are compatible with.

Okonimiyaki · 21/03/2024 10:17

I think most people have compassion fatigue these days. And only have energy for their own families. Plus it's a race to the bottom about who has it worse.

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/03/2024 10:31

This is weird but I feel like my friend has. " stole" my dad's attention and is his substitute dd. Makes me sound awful I know. But my dad always has paid great tribute to my friends!
It adds a wholebundle of complexity and unhealthiness to the issue.

OP posts:
Gluggyglaggyglock · 21/03/2024 10:32

I am very very lucky, I have had several friends in the past who turned out to be really rotten people but there is one friend, who has been the literal bestest friend I could of ever asked for. And that sounds really teenagerish, but I really mean it

We both met at really terrible times in our lives, I had just moved to the area fleeing DV, she was an alcoholic. We did not get on at first 🤣 I hated her cause she was always playing loud music at night and it used to wake up my baby

Funnily enough we only became friends after her boyfriend was hurting her, I could hear banging through the walls and her screaming get off me, in a pure panic I ran round ( I look back and it was really stupid of me but at the same time, I'm glad I did ) told him to leave or I'd ring the police and then he started on me too and the police came whilst this was happening ( another neighbour rang )

That was 7 years ago. During this time we have both improved our lives dramatically, she went to rehab a few years ago, she now has a fulltime job and is so happy and healthy.

I was randomly attacked a while ago, she walked with me everywhere, kept checking in on me. When my cat needed emergancy surgery she lent me £300 towards it. These last 18 months I've had terrible mental health and she has been there for me every step of the way

I text her the other night thanking her for somthing and told her that I genuinely felt so lucky to have her in my life and she told me that I forget how much I've done for her in the past

I just love her so much, shes a brilliant human

Librarybooker · 21/03/2024 10:37

My circle of friends from workplace over 20 years ago remain a very supportive bunch. Most of them are child free but they have always delighted in my DC and understood when I couldn’t get out and about.

Okonimiyaki · 21/03/2024 10:41

I am increasingly beginning to think you cannot understand anyone unless you have walked in their shoes. I rarely share my problems with friends beyond a quick update. As most people won't get you and vice versa, unless they have experienced what you have.