To move down south?

[Honeymonster2]

I'm from the South coast, I moved to Manchester in 2012, I worked and studied and met my partner in 2015, he's from here and has been in his trade job for about 14 years now. We have 4 children under 7.

He has issues with alcohol, which came to a head a couple months ago where he did something stupid, which resulted in him finally admitting he's an alcoholic and moving out for a few weeks, he made big changes and seemed to be on a good path and moved back in. He's started drinking again, but no where near the scale it was, but I think we all know that'll probably slip further as its an addiction.

When drunk the other night, he had an argument with his mum and got upset and said he wanted to relocate to NZ, which he's said over the years anyway, I said I would relocate to the south (which is what I've wanted since they day we met, and he knows) and he said OK, find some real opportunities and convince me, so I saw that as the go ahead to look at housing, jobs etc.

I have found something promising about an hour from my family. Last night he has said no, he's not moving, he shouldn't have said anything and it would be completely stupid to go down to somewhere we've not been just to be closer to my family. (Currently 4ish hours away).

I'm quite sad and upset, I should have expected this, but after he finally said it was a possibility, I got so hopeful...

I think you know the answer, really.

Make the move yourself with your DC. Leave him behind.

I think even if I hated him (which I don't) I couldn't do that, the children deserve to have easy access to him. Also, is the move even worth it, if its still an hour to any help. I would be entirely alone if I did the move without him

You only get 1 chance at life do whats best for you and your children. Certainly moving to NZ with an alcoholic where you will be completely isolated with no family for support is the worst idea. If you get on well with your family and have a good relationship with them, I'd be looking to move as close to them as possible.

He needs to be in AA. I'd do what you want and leave him to sort his own issues out.

Meanwhile, get yourself to Al Anon. You'll find courage to lead your own life there.

Better alone than with an alcoholic.

Are you hoping to get assistance with childcare if near your family? Because I would check what sort of support they could offer. Or is it more you would just like to see say a sibling once a week at your house for coffee and a chat meet ups.

Please go to Alanon - because what you really need is other families of Alcholics.
You can solve this.
And the very last thing I would do is relocate across the world with an alcoholic. He still hasn't realised he can't run away from his problems as they are within him.
And do your children really deserve to have him inflicted on their lives?

Sorry "can" should read "cannot"

Him wanting to relocate is known as doing a geographical. Don't do it.

I would move much closer to family if you're going to move at all.

I wouldn't have him in the family home until he's been sober for a long time he can just visit the kids when sober or take them out.

He's not going to be doing unsupervised overnights with them is he.

Do you have other support up there like good friends?

Four children under 7 is no joke!

Do not go to New Zealand

I think whatever you decide to do, you need to create a paper trail re his drinking, whether that’s going to AlAnon yourself or something else. At some point, you may need to start controlling his access to the children. Putting those small steps in place now, now matter how distressing to you, will set you up better later.

Also look up Adverse Childhood Experiences and balance that against your idea of ongoing easy access. You do need to be the parent that does the right thing.

Prepare for it to get messy, I suppose I’m trying to say.

There’s no point moving all that way and still being an hour away from your family.

He’s an alcoholic and he’s still drinking. That should be your primary concern right now. He needs to access the appropriate help.

Are you married? You refer to him as your partner rather than husband. Do you have your own income/savings/pension or are you and your 4 kids entirely dependent on an alcoholic?

Sadly, no matter how much you care for him and want your children to have access to him, he does need to get proper help. This is something he’ll have to do by and for himself anyway, and it might be easier if he’s able to focus on his recovery. Have you looked at support and counselling for yourself as the partner of an alcoholic?
BTW NZ is definitely a terrible idea, the answers and fresh start need to come from DH not moving to the other side of the world.
Have you had discussions with either or both of your families? For the recovery process its likely you’ll all need support and brutal honesty is going to be necessary, especially and above all for your children’s support and needs.

I'd just like to see them. I'm not super close with my dad, I love him but he's bloody useless at staying in contact, it's my sister and her family. I'd like to be close enough to go round for dinner, to watch my neice play football at the weekend. Childcare would obviously be a bonus for bigger occasions but I can sort of get that here with one person.