To be fed up that DH never comes out with me and our child

[taromilk]

Our child is 18 months, and is our first. DH is a great dad, does his part round our house and with our DC so I can’t complain about that.

the thing that bothers me is that he very rarely comes out with us when we go out. He does work long hours (I work full time too) but when we are both off the same day he mostly wants to stay in or he goes out somewhere else but doesn’t want to come out with us. Last time we went out as a family was way before Christmas.
he doesn’t enjoy going for walks with us, or lunch, or things that our child will enjoy like the farm or the park. Or come with me to family events.

im getting really fed up of going out on my own all the time, not because I don’t enjoy it, I love going out with my child. Its just harder having to get pram out alone, finding somewhere to go toilet with a young child, that adult convo, even tho it was much harder with a newborn. I meet friends and family but can’t all the time.

i have expressed this to him but he just doesn’t want to, he wants to chill at home. He does take our child out very occasionally, but not often. Just can’t be bothered to go out with all of us.

Nothing wrong in our relationship either.

should I let it go and stop moaning because everything else is good? I guess you can’t have it all. But I just feel really sad tbh and feel like a single mum when out, and jealous when I see mum’s walking with their partner and children.

This is bog standard dad, not good dad.

I think your expectations of a good dad are too low sadly. Sounds miserable. I look forward to my husband’s days off as I know I’ll have adult company on days out! (I don’t think my husband has ever just stayed at home chilling on his days off whilst I took the kids out on my own once unless I’ve planned to meet my friends).

Aw this sounds quite sad. Personally those days when we go out as a family are what cut through the daily routine and grind.

Is it the case that he knows he is onto a good thing, he has a free pass to relax and unwind at home while you carry on with the parenting?

Joining the 'why do you say he's a great dad' club. He's opting out of family life at the weekends. He gets frustrated when your child is at home all day, but doesn't want to come out with you both? If he's not prepared to compromise on it, and doesn't want to spend time with you both, i'd spend one day at the weekend with your child and then disappear for the day on the other leaving him in charge. Every single weekend. It's fine to have your own interests and pursuits, but I just couldn't be with someone who didn't want to spend time together as a family.

I think that's really sad. Let's be honest, trips to the park etc with a toddler can be a little boring but still, it's also lovely to see their sense of wonder at everything. Your DH is really missing out. Your child will wonder why daddy never wants to go out with them.
Is he just completely exhausted or something?
He really needs to make an effort even if he doesn't enjoy parks and zoos. The rest of us do it!

I'm really sorry op, but those things don't make him a great dad. You are a great mum, because you put what you want to do aside (like someone said upthread, no grown up wants to go and sit in a park) every single weekend to make sure your child is having a happy childhood. His dad isn't doing that. That makes him a terrible parent actually, not a great one.

How can you say he is a good dad when his child will grow up thinking his dad never wanted to come out with him? He will notice as he gets older if he hasn’t already. 😔

How old is baby and how often are you going out? What kind of hours do you both work?

Agree with previous posters, he's not a great dad, based on what he is doing. Don't compound the issue by having another child with him.

He didn’t want kids did he ?

what did he think being a dad means, as you must have discussed this before ttc

What he wants or feels like doing is no longer the defining factor in what he does with his time - he’s got a child, and unless he wants that child’s defining memory of childhood with Dad to be Dad sat on the sofa, he needs to stop being selfish and do things he doesn’t particularly enjoy or want to do. That’s just life with kids. Very few people actually want to be at the park at 9am in the rain or take a toddler to soft play or try and eat a pub lunch while accommodating little ones, but you do it anyway because it’s important for your child. Imagine if you took his attitude too, what a small life your child would have.

That’s before we start on the fact that as your life partner he should be willing to put himself out for you sometimes, should want to do things that make you happy and enjoy family life and should want to make sure you aren’t solo parenting every time you leave the house.

I'd be furious if my DH left me to do all the parenting at weekends.

Parenting includes all the activities you do with your kids that they enjoy (walks, lunch, soft play, parks) irrespective of whether you like doing them.

He sounds like my DH. He’s introverted, enjoys his own company, and I’m extroverted live being out and about.

He is an excellent father, we are very 50/50 in terms of childcare etc. We’ve had lots of rows over the year over our different social preferences, but have a good compromise that works for us.

I generally do kids parties and try and meet with friends and family on the weekend - this is me time and I do it because I enjoy having a chat and a coffee. He gets a few ‘passes’ for family time. We then also do things as a family, because he wants to spend time with them too.

Id have a conversation about the example he wants to set your child, and that it’s not ok for him to opt out of the family. He doesn’t have to do everything, but not having family time out of the house in 3 months is not ok.

Some women find it hard to adjust too, but they just have to get on with it.

I have vivid memories of dragging myself around parks, museums and children's farms feeling what I can only describe as utter despair when I had PND after DC2. I would have given anything to be at home instead, but I forced myself to do these things and tried my damnedest to look like I was enjoying it because it was good for the kids.

OP, your DH is opting out of family life by doing the bare minimum and leaving you to meet all your child's needs for fresh air, socialisation and new experiences. If you don't address it now it will only get worse.

Of course lo gets boisterous when in children need fresh air every day he's being selfish what did he think a child was like? Some quiet cat who lets him get on with life.

I'm going against the grain here.
When our dc were little, and we were both out at work working long hours every week, we would generally do different things from each other at the weekend.
Only one parent needed to take them out and about, then the other can crack on with the 1001 things that need doing in the limited hours at the weekend.
Then, somewhere during the weekend everything is done and you both get a bit of down time.
Most people need some 'doing nothing' time at some point in the week.

My DH hated going to the park or soft play when DC were little, and it really annoyed me that he wouldn't put DC first.
He did eventually get that they need to be outside every day, and found his own way of doing it... walks to train stations and watching the trains, urban walks and things that he found more interesting. I did have to spell it out that he had to share the responsibility for getting them exercised and entertained.
I do remember feeling upset that he didn't seem to want to do any of things that are aimed at DC, with me, but once he found a way of working out his own path it was easier. Can you talk to your DH about other options?
Mine was often working at weekends and so I was by myself with the DC a lot, I do sympathise as I know difficult it can be.

With 3 kids 99% of my time when I am not working is taken up with things that wouldn't be my first choice but you do it for your kids as you like to see them happy! He sounds selfish to me and I can see why it would be upsetting to do all these things by yourself when he is just at home.

I was always told how much my dad loved me, but in practise, it was my mum who did all the outings with me and holidays and fun. And yes, I remember, and no, he was not a good dad just because he "babysat" me occasionally while my mum went to an exercise class. She loved me and wanted to spend time with me. He tolerated having me around.

Think you need to raise your standards OP. He is totally taking the piss.

He's being selfish. We all do things we don't want to do because it benefits our kids. I spent hours in parks and playgroups and standing watching football matches on cold Saturday mornings when I'd rather have been at home in the warm! It's called being a good parent and you need to tell him to bloody well step up!

He's not a good dad, a good dad would want to spend time with his child on the weekends.
What you listed is the bare parenting minimum - don't let him tell you he does loads because his mate Dave never changed nappies.
He's not a good partner, or he would want to spend time with you, and not let you do this by yourself, and do it to support you - or at least talk to you and come to a compromise - one day out, one day in.

@taromilk compress all your replies to others posts together and then read them. what about this narrative actually makes him a good dad. He isnt. you are deluding yourself. He is doing the stuff he has to but do you think as your child gets older thats the stuff they are going to remember or appreciate. your child will remember him as there but not present. He sees your child as a chore, like the washing up or the ironing. Its not the going out that is the issue he does this when its selfishly for him. its the going out with you as a family. of course kids are boisterous and run around and stuff thats part and parcel of it.

I feel really sorry for your child, I really do. as they get older they will know that this is not normal family behaviour. and for goodness sake dont bring another child into this situation. your husband is obviously one of those people who likes the idea of a child but not the reality.

What does he do with his child when you're not there if he doesn't take him out? It's impossible to chill out properly with a toddler in the house. I'd be worried the kid gets plonked in front of the iPad for hours on end.