My friend to take over her household finances after OH gambling?

[Burntoutmummy]

This is my first ever post and it’s a bit of a long one so please bear with me

My friend 34f is literally at her wits end so figured some outside perspective may help her. She’s genuinely lovely so I’m hoping you can all help

She has been with her partner for a long time and they have children together. Her partner has a VERY addictive personality(drink, gambling, texting other women) and his lies don’t seem to stop.

His gambling addiction is the current problem and twice over the years he’s gambled every single penny they have, put them in debt and I have had to lend her money to buy her kids food- not that I mind I love all of them

She is a bit of a walkover (her own words) and takes him back everytime he gambles, texts other women, gets blind drunk on benders but I do believe slowly she’s opening her eyes to the situation and I’m hoping at some point she will just walk away- I am aware it’s easier said than done.

Recently she found out he’s been gambling again and taken out secret loans and credit cards. He’s sorry, won’t happen again etc etc (yawn!) She doesn’t want the same thing to happen again so she’s said if he wants to remain with her and the kids she needs to control the household finances to ensure all the bills are paid (including the new debts) so that they don’t end up in the same situation as they have been before. He’s gone absolutely mental and said he’s not a child and doesn’t need her giving him “pocket money” and that’s it’s financial abuse.

Both earn similar money but all bills are paid for from my friends account so that it actually gets paid. His wage is generally for food, travel and then what’s left is “fun money”. But there’s never any fun money left because he blows the lot.

So I suppose my question is- is my friend BU for wanting financial security or should she allow him to continue doing what he’s doing and potentially financially ruin them?

From first hand experience, you can't change an addict. You didn't cause it and you can't stop it. Whatever your friend does, he will find a way to continue doing what he is doing.

Your friend is being unreasonable for flogging this dead horse.

Both options are unreasonable. The last thing she should do is pay his debts. She needs to separate finances asap, and ideally, get rid of this wanker.

It won’t work. I grew up in a similar set up.

You said yourself that this is one of many addictions. He will find something else.

Meanwhile their dc are growing up thinking that this is a loving relationship. Daddy fucked up again, Mummy has to go begging for help. That’s not okay.

He gets help for his addictions (plural) or fucks off and leaves them to at least try and make a life for themselves.

Well she certainly shouldn't be paying his debts from her wage. It sounds like he won't stop so she needs to remove herself financially from him. Do they rent or own a house? Is her wage enough to pay essential bills (mortgage/rent/utilities/food) and any bills or debts just in her name?

It is not financial abuse. He has a choice. He has shown himself to be unable to manage money so either he stays and she manages household finances or he goes and deals with his own mess.

I voted yabu. But because he isn’t a child.

I had a friend whose husband was a terrible gambler. She was advised to control all the money. It was awful and a massive mistake.

He would guilt, cajol, beg, threaten and all sorts to get her to give money. He still found ways to loans behind her back and she was constantly under pressure.

When it’s got to this point, it’s over. Dragging it out causes more pain, stress and heartbreak

You say OH rather than DH which is good in a way if this is the case as she can walk away leaving hik to sort out his debt.

Show her this. Enough is enough. Move out. Separate all finances. If he truly wants her back he can sort himself out separately to her and come back when he had and if she feels minded to be involved then she can. Hopefully by moving out she will actually see she doesn't need this "gem" in her life.

She needs to protect herself first.

1. He should make him responsible for debts taken out in his sole name, not her.
2. She needs to check the mortgage/rent is up to date.
3. She needs to check her credit report to see if he has fraudulently taken out credit in her name. And go to the police if he has committed fraud.
4. She needs to get debt and benefits advice from CAB or a debt charity. He should attend too. They'll probably refuse to help him a second time if they become aware that he's continuing to gamble.
5. She needs to protect her wages/benefits by getting them paid into a sole account (ideally one not with their current bank or banking group ).
6. Hide her valuables or leave them with a family member.

This is likely not to go well OP 🙁

She just has to leave him. He has no intention of changing. Everyone else can go without to fund his habit as it’s all that matters to him.

It's financially controlling to want to make sure bills are paid, but not financially controlling to get into secret debt with family money, and force your wife to beg for handouts for food?

I think she is being unreasonable not to divorce him. She is condemning her children to a lifetime of insecurity and potential poverty by keeping her finances tied up with a lying addict

If she’s adamant she wants to stay with him then her request is reasonable IMO and he either accepts the terms or it’s over.

I do actually know a couple that had this arrangement due to his gambling problem and they remained married for decades until they passed away. Having said that, the husband was a decent person and not like the arsehole you’ve described here.

She is not being unreasonable to have control of the finances if she intends to stay with him.

In fact, her taking control of the finances and him getting help are the only things he should be focusing on at the minute.

It's not financial abuse for her to control the purse strings AT ALL. I pretty much control the money in this house and so did my mum (dad actually got an allowance transferred to his account) and both of us were SAHMs for years.

Neither my dad or DH have addiction issues.

Your friend isn’t unreasonable in wanting financial security. She is however unrealistic in thinking that she will ever find it with someone like her partner.

If she tries to stay and fix him/the situation it could get much worse.

I base my opinion on my own experience as a child in a similar situation.

My mum did similar with my dad over gambling. Took over the finances and got the family situation in a much better place pretty quickly.

He was still an addict though and so he just ramped up his activity with other women to “compensate”.

When my mum asked him about that, he punched her so hard he cracked one of her molars. She picked me up out of bed in the middle of the night and ran.

We went a few streets away, to my nursery (two nice older sisters ran one from home on the ground floor of their house).

My mum blamed herself for years for “making him hate her and never forgive her” for being to handle money better than him. It totally wasn’t her fault but she was too traumatized to hear that for a long, long time.

She only really got over it when she was terminally ill and reflecting her life.

It also came out during their decade long hellscape of a divorce that hat it hadn’t totally stopped him either. He took out loan shark loans and got into debt with illegal bookies/went to illicit gambling clubs and card games.

He also committed fraud creating liabilities and claims over shared property. It took nearly another after they were divorced to sort out the financial and legal mess.

My mum had nearly twenty years of legal battles from the fallout. Some directly with him, some with banks and financial institutions looking to recover their money. It broke her mental health for a good part of that time.

He conveniently went bankrupt very quickly which at the time meant he didn’t have to pay child support. My mum and I were also made homeless at one point.

My mum had to fight the bank over repossession of our homeas my dad had fraudulently used it as security for something else.

It wasn’t even the marital home it was a smaller flat that was as bought out of the proceeds of selling that as part of the division of assets during the divorce. Part of the reason my mum had to fight that was so she wasn’t seen as making herself voluntarily homeless if we needed social housing. Really it was an endless nightmare.

If he is as angry as he sounds, he could be a danger in many ways. Physical, emotional, financial. My dad tried to get my mum committed at one point.

Be aware that if your friends partner is throwing out accusations like financial
abuse it could escalate further. My dad tried to report my mum’s GP for sleeping with patients (my mum) because the GP intervened when he tried to have my mum committed. He told the local mental hospital it was nonsense, his patient was mentally sound but her husband wasn’t and he was dangerous. The complaint went nowhere but it was a stressful and horrible time for everyone involved.

Really, honestly, your friend needs to get out fast.

I lady I know did this.
She’s now in her 60s, still married to her lying, gambling, cheating husband. Has little contact with their now adult children as they broke away from the toxic family set up. Has lost most of her friends as they despair over her constantly choosing to prioritise her scumbag of a husband over herself and her needs.

There is no way she can fix this. She needs to put her children and herself first. She can control the finances, sure, but she shouldn’t keep allowing his “addictive personality” to rule her or her children’s lives.

Oh and don’t discount the possibility of him losing his job or even catching criminal charges over embezzlement, stealing or financial irregularities like providing incentives to clients to boost earnings. Or undertaking criminal activity like drug dealing or theft or aiding in prostitution.

A gambling addict cut off from their money supply will do anything to restore their access to money. Anything.

So he thinks its financial abuse for her to use family money to pay family bills but it's not financial abuse for him to spend family money on gambling?

Or, looked at another way, he doesn't think its financial abuse for him to spend money that she then has to earn to pay off his debts?

I know you mean well but I think you need to step back because she knows she is wasting her life with him and he will never love and treat a woman properly and in worry that talking it out with you calms her and she loses the anger she needs to fore her up to leave him.

I am very sorry to say this is not going to end well. My ex husband was a Gambler and he racked up all sorts of debt. In his case it did not end until he admitted he had a problem and sought help. He ended up in GA and was in therapy for a very long time. He eventually apologised for his behaviour to me after we had been divorced, many years later. The starting point is for the individual to admit he has a problem. Addiction is very complex and professional help will be needed. Your friend if she remains with him will have to take control of all the finances for the sake of herself and her children. She will also need to bottom out how much debt is involved and seek help from one of the free debt organisations. Gamblers hide alsorts of debt.

She needs to bin his immature, addicted ass. In the meantime OF COURSE she should take over the finances.

I know a couple who did this exact thing.

It worked in that they're still together, he accepted responsibility and was unable to risk family money on gambling anymore.

However once he was unable to gamble, he just moved on to a different addiction.

She needs to stop sacrificing her children's future on this absolute bum.

Trying to stop a gambler gambling is pushing water uphill.

He's the only one who can do that and he's obvs not interested. So she needs to salvage what she can of her money and her dignity and get rid before he ruins everyone's life not just his own.

You only get one life, there are no do overs. What the children experience now stays with them for life and impacts their choices. She needs to leave and have a better life without him.