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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that the tantrums will fade?

10 replies

MonaLisaTales · 20/03/2024 18:50

Evey time I Google tantrums in kids with adhd I read that they should be decreasing from age 4. My son was a joy at 2 and 3, 4 more difficult, 5 he now has the most extreme tantrums. Today in a shop I told him he could get a small treat after his club. He wanted a big one. I said no. Cue huge meltdown and me having to physically pull him out of the shop because he was going berserk and everyone was staring. I was embarrassed. I felt awful for physically removing him (I haven't had to do this before) and just feel like an awful parent. I have even reached a point where I just wished I had a different child and I have resented ever having him. I have never said this out loud and it is usually a fleeting thought. He is so loving and kind. The first thing he tells me in the morning is that he loves me.

I have tried every adhd parenting trick in the book but he just sees red. Punches me. Kicks me. Tells me he hates me.

It doesn't help that his dad who he sees every other weekend lets him have whatever he wants. He always comes home with bags of sweets and new toys. Without fail. His dad only ever sees him for a day at a time and doesn't have to do any real parenting.

Does it get better? I'm scared it is always going to be this hard.

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 20/03/2024 19:19

Mine is 14 and still struggles to control her emotions. Find your support and you’ll survive Flowers

buswankerz · 20/03/2024 19:32

Tantrums usually start to subside at 4, unusual for them to appear and be explosive at this age.

MonaLisaTales · 20/03/2024 19:39

Sunnyjac · 20/03/2024 19:19

Mine is 14 and still struggles to control her emotions. Find your support and you’ll survive Flowers

I need support from professionals but there just isn't any.

OP posts:
MonaLisaTales · 20/03/2024 19:40

buswankerz · 20/03/2024 19:32

Tantrums usually start to subside at 4, unusual for them to appear and be explosive at this age.

I think your comment mainly applies to neurotypical children.

OP posts:
MonaLisaTales · 20/03/2024 19:42

Sunnyjac · 20/03/2024 19:19

Mine is 14 and still struggles to control her emotions. Find your support and you’ll survive Flowers

Are you close with her? Are things generally good? I'm so exhausted

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 20/03/2024 19:51

With adhd kids they are developing on a slightly different trajectory

My 2/3/4 yo was the envy of all my tantrumming friends kids.
My tantrumming 5/6/7 drew the kind of negative attention those other parents couldn’t have imagined.

Keep seeing it through and doing your best to be consistent. It will pay off eventually as their emotional processing develops and eventually their self awareness becomes such that they don’t want people to see them like that!

Get really creative about spotting what they struggle with and inventing games and activities that help them build the skills.
Play out social interactions, play out you dealing with their tantrums and explain why the toy that represents you is doing what they are doing.

Print off a feelings wheel and help them find language to express what upsets them and accept that this is all long term strategies and that in the mean time of needs must you will just need to keep them safe and wait it out.

Crowgirl · 20/03/2024 20:00

I think it's to do with being child led - at home/ nursery / preschool/ reception - all the early years has a lot of free flow activity and low expectations- IME reception is harder as they have to try and hold it together more but year 1/2 and onwards the masking or failure too is a different world.

Sunnyjac · 20/03/2024 20:29

MonaLisaTales · 20/03/2024 19:42

Are you close with her? Are things generally good? I'm so exhausted

Yes and yes. I don’t feel quite as much like I’m walking on eggshells. She’s not diagnosed yet but I’ve just started the right to choose process so hopefully not long. It’s all harder than I imagined it would be but she’s my daughter so I do everything I can

buswankerz · 20/03/2024 20:48

@MonaLisaTales

It gets better op, once he learns coping mechanisms and recognises when his frustration is building and can do things to help himself with support from teachers/staff member/friends/peer group.

It's a rough ride but he will come out the other side.

I have 2 with adhd and autism and have both conditions myself.

As hard as it is, never be embarrassed about behaviour he can't physically help.

Have you been offered medication? They really are great for kids with adhd. My son and I have been on them for years. Dd can start hers next year when she turns 6.

TwoWithCurls · 20/03/2024 21:01

I've had all those feelings too. Parents of NT kids seem to live such peaceful lives, by comparison. Every now and then something happens to remind me of how much harder our job is than theirs, and I feel so many conflicting emotions. Hang in there, he sounds like the most loving son 🥰

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