To feel constantly embarrassed of myself?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I feel embarrassed all the time about my awkwardness. Being an introvert. Things I've said and done. Comments I've made. Conversations I've had. My voice. My mannerisms. I kick myself for my behaviour every day. I cringe about things I've said.
I feel so embarrassed about so many things I've done 😅
Is this normal? I'm afraid of being myself, almost of being human. But conversely I'm an open book type, an over sharer by nature but I wish I wasn't . It's just my personality.
I have a good job, decent friends, a daughter.
I just hate how I'm not confident and self assured like others. I've tried to build my confidence up my entire adult life, I'm 39 now and not sure I have much hope of changing.
Anyone else feel like this?

I’m glad you shared this.
Fair enough that people have ADHD, but all of this sounds like anxiety with social interaction.

Lots of what posters say ring true for me: I used to lie away DYING inside at how embarrassed I was of myself in work, the shop, friends, dates. Solidarity with you all!

I’d even catch myself vocalising “DIE of EMBARRASSMENT” to try and interrupt my humiliating intrusive thoughts.
But I had a really healing moment three years ago when I told an elder in my family, whose opinion I held in very high esteem, and who would always put me down or make me feel aware/shit/less, to FUCK OFF.
I healed overnight.

I thought everyone saw me like they did. And once I levelled with myself that I don’t GAF what she thinks, the rest melted away.

I feel like this all the time! I've been wondering about ADHD but seems like everyone is suddenly getting diagnosed with it (five people I work with over last few months) so I'm not sure if I think I may have it just because it's a big thing at the mo. There's definitely something going on though, although now arrived at mid forties it probably doesn't really matter. Is ADHD medicated?

I am the same, I constantly cringe at the thought of myself! How I look, how I talk, what I say. I actively avoid talking to people because I know they’ll think I’m an idiot/weirdo. I wish I could just be normal and friendly!

I could have written the OP..2am ruminations over things I have done or said over 50yrs.

I know exactly how you feel! I am the exact same it’s awful isn’t it 😩 constantly thinking you’ve said the wrong this and going over stuff in your mind. I thought I lacked confidence because I was unhappy with my self so I lost over 2 stone and felt more confident with myself but still lacked confidence when speaking to people or going places so it didn’t make a difference. I just dunno what else to do.

My mum is exactly like this. As a child I used to scream inside when she used to say things like you're saying about herself. I still do when she's ruminating about something she said or did for days on end.

Since you have a daughter, I would strongly urge you to try therapy again. For your daughter's sake.

Define normal. If I time it right I can be great company witty interesting . But spend a lot of time also cringing at something I have said or done . Hate meeting new people for this reason. Often wondered about Asperger , ADHD. The fact that I do have some people that seem to like me is a great relief.

Another adhd-er relating here. OP, look up Rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's a bastard.

Yes, also like this but no ADHD.
Just have to remember nobody really cares- they’re more focused on themselves than others!

How old are you OP?

I used to experience this a lot when younger. As my confidence and my view on my own self worth improved, I stopped being so hard on myself.

Ask any old person...they will tell you they regret giving a ish what people think.
As long as you're good hearted person, who cares.
Don't live for others and I use to be like you as well, I'm not totally not concerned but a lot less then I was

Oh my god! You are me!!! This is exactly how I feel and nobody has ever said this the same way you have that it’s literally every single thing I think myself! Don’t have any answers tho on how to stop it!

@DeedlessIndeed I'm 39 so not that young! I've always been like this to some degree.
As I get older I found I care SLIGHTLY less than I used to but it still bothers me significantly.

Same here. Now in my 60s. Got a formal diagnosis of OCD [Edit Obsessive ruminations, so very like the OP] when I was in my 30s. Last year, it was suggested that I might have ASD and ADHD.

Spoke to my GP about it. She just smiled and said 'What's "normal"?'

It would fit. Cousin's son got a diagnosis of ASD and another cousin's adult grandsons have been diagnosed with ADHD. (They actually went to have their dyslexia assessed.)

My mother was 'very shy', according to the family.

May be worth seeing your GP and getting some advice? My son has autism and is socially anxious, wondering if he has said or done the right thing at times and wondering if he has offended people. Autism is also linked to unusual mannerisms- repetitive habits sometimes called 'stimming,' for instance.

I could have written this. I still think of things I said 15 or more years ago and want the ground to swallow me up from shame.

Like others have said I also cannot stand embarrassing comedy and things like pranks.

I also HATE to the bottom of my soul if I think someone is joking with me trying to make me look gullible. Or other ridiculous things like if I get a present in a bag and I take something out, I feel embarrassed to look in the bag to see if there is something else in there as it will appear ungrateful of me if there isn't.

The thought of answering someone and them saying oh I wasn't talking to you is so awful to me that I end up looking rude as I don't answer people because I also could never ask if they were talking to me.
I'm my own worst enemy.

Can somebody explain the link between ADHD and feeling embarrassed of one’s self?

@Hermoinestrousers All of what you said applies to me too!

I have often wondered if I have ADHD, I only googled ADHD in adults for the first time in my life the other week and it was like looking into a mirror.
Autism? I'm not sure. I don't think I show any other signs. Obviously could be wrong.

I think it's worth remembering that people don't really remember or give the conversation much thought, they're too busy doing their own thing 😉

Could be worth getting a private assessment to get to the bottom of things, may well not be autism, you're right. A professional opinion could be worthwhile so you have more clarity. There are so many conditions, such as social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and like another poster said they can overlap (my son has diagnosed autism and traits of OCD), he has three cousins with autism diagnoses and his uncle is very dyslexic, so conditions can also run in families.

I’m like this. Bizarrely work is where I feel confident, but it’s on the bloody school run I stress myself out. Sometimes people speak and are friendly, so I smile and say hello. Sometimes they seem to blank me. Deep down I know I’m normal, and I look ok, but I beat myself up that I come across as frosty or a bitch or not posh enough, or too stuck up, I haven’t slotted in with any groups at school, I seem to chat to the Dad’s more and then I worry the Mums will think I’m flirting, sometimes I sit in the car to the very last minute so I don’t have to speak to anyone but then I think I’ll never make friends. I just don’t seem able to do the chit-chat thing. I don’t seem to get beyond ‘oh chilly today isn’t it?’ I always get in the car and think why did I say that? Why don’t I ask them about such and such.

@Moveoverdarlin You aren't alone!
I also talk to the dads as I always feel awkward and like I don't fit in with the mums at school.
Conversation doesn't flow naturally with people I don't know I always feel I'm saying something stupid or stammering or something.

OP we’re all just winging it. I truly think there aren’t many people who don’t have moments of doubt most days. Just some are better at hiding it/pushing the feelings away. It is what makes for a decent empathetic person I reckon. Cut yourself some slack.

Snap! ADHD here too and had the same thought when I read the OP.

It could be anything of course, I’m just sharing my experience. I was diagnosed in middle age.