Friend dilemma

[Ymamiss]

Am I being unreasonable to be a bit miffed?
We are a group of 3 friends.one (A) I've known for over 30 years and have helped out numerous times over the years, we have always been very close (godmother to kids etc)
The other friend (B) was a close work colleague and have been good friends with too for approx 15 years.
We have a group chat where we chat and generally moan/ask each other for advice, make each other laugh etc.
A mutual friend has told me today that friend B is going on a night away and out next month and because someone has dropped out has asked friend A to go too.
Neither have mentioned this to me; and mutual friend has asked me not to mention that I know.
AIBU to feel miffed? Do I say anything in a subtle way? I feel a bit shaky and left out.
Thanks in advance and please be nice!

You've requested for us to be nice and I'm repeating it here for you as I can imagine some of the responses you might get.

I think you are being unreasonable here, it's ok for other people to hang out together. It's good for everyone iinterpesonally if you can all be a bit independent from one another in adulthood and that includes other frineds doing things together without you unless they're being mean about it.

How long have they known each other? I have 2 friends - known Jo since 2010, she introduced me to Sarah in 2011 when we all had same age second dc and went to play groups together. Now, we often meet separately. I’m actually more close to Sarah than Jo these days. It wasn’t intentional but work, dh’s getting on and similar interests have meant the friendship grew stronger. I think it’s a dick move to essentially steal a friend you’ve just been introduced to but after a few years, how you met becomes less relevant. If there was one space to fill, then she just chose one of you. Maybe she happened to see other friend first or felt she’d fit the existing dynamic best. Doesn’t mean she’s not your friend.

It's OK and understandable to feel miffed!
But I would not say anything about it.
Feel the feelings.
You are all still friends!

It's okay to be upset about this, I would be too even though It's probably a bit irrational. Similar situations have happened to me in the past and it's made me feel really shit so you have my sympathy! I suspect they know they're being mean because of all the secrecy.

The thing is, people are allowed to be friends/closer friends/hang out with whoever they want. I know you know this already but sometimes it's nice to be reminded- it's not personal towards you (I'm sure if someone else dropped out you would be invited next!)

Hope you are okay x

So if friend B had asked you to take the one space available on the trip, would you have said no on the grounds that friend A might feel left out? Whatever you're telling yourself now, I really doubt that you would have.

I think it's completely understandable that you feel a bit sad/bruised, but ultimately if someone has two equally close friends and there is only space available on a trip, obviously they're going to have to choose between the two. I have a group of old school mates and I love them all equally, but if I had one ticket going spare for something I would still rather pick only one of them to have the ticket rather than let it go to waste, and I would probably pick one of them pretty much at random, or based on who I thought was mostly likely to be free or could afford it or would most enjoy it or whatever. It certainly wouldn't mean that I liked the chosen friend more than the others!

You're all still friends, and this doesn't mean they don't like you. It's normal and healthy to see friends independently of a group. Try not to worry about this.

I think your other friend was a bit of stirrer to mention it to you, to be honest.

Do they know one another through you, or were they friends independently of you?

Thanks all that have commented so far. I guess I am being U in that I agree that people can be friends with they want etc! Of course I agree with that, but with this particular friend group - they became friends after I was already friends with them separately- again, fine, but maybe that's the reason that I feel a bit left out. If it was the other way around then I would definitely mention it to the both of them, and maybe invite another friend outside our close trio so as not to offend anyone.
I think I'm just going to take a step back as I do feel like I'm always messaging to pop round and see them etc and they are busy or just don't reply, but then they'll pop round to each other's houses.

There was one place to be filled. B couldn't ask both of you to come, so she asked A first. Perhaps if A had declined she would have asked you. B may have very valid reasons why she asked A first and not you - proximity, type of event, the mix of other people going etc. None of which means you are not a valued friend.

I wouldn't say anything. Otherwise you could come across as a bit petulant.

Oh I agree I'd come across as a brat, even though my knee-jerk reaction would be to leave our group chat like a child haha! Ill just not say anything

You need to perfect your flounce! 🤣

It’s absolutely normal to be a bit hurt - you’re only human after all.
they probably also feel awkward so don’t really know how to bring it up. I’d try and do something nice yourself. And the mutual friend who told you sounds unnecessarily stirring things hence doesn’t want to say you know.
I would simply say ‘I hear you’re going away, shall we all do something similar later in the year?’ And try and carry on as normal.
Must have been a very difficult decision for friend B with just one spot free. They probably are wanting to let you know but finding it hard. It doesn’t mean they feel less about you.

Nah, I think if they met through you and so you are the longer term friend of both of them, I can imagine you would feel left out. I would do as you are saying, and take a little step back and see what happens.

Oh just saw your update - didn’t realise they’d met through you.
yeah just take a step back X

Very normal to be hurt but sounds like one place and maybe b bumped into a first and it come up in conversation. B can't ask you both. Flounce on here where it's safe. X

Now I'm doing my own head in wondering why another place couldn't be made and if it could then why I haven't been asked!

Stop it now 😁. You will just drive yourself potty.

How is the flounce progressing.

In the nicest possible way, give your head a wobble, OP. People you introduced sometimes get closer to one another than either is to you. Pulling rank because you introduced them, or because you've known them longer than they've known one another, or implying you should have been the first chosen because you've 'helped out X numerous times over the years', is a bit teenage. (Especially when you say it's A you helped out down the years, but it wasn't A who got the invitation, from what you say? Are you suggesting A is at fault for accepting an invitation which is nothing to do with you?)

You might decide that if you were in this position, you would think it was a huge deal, tell A and B AND decide to take a third person in place of the dropout so A and B didn't get offended, but B clearly doesn't see it like that, didn't think it was a big deal, and invited A. Maybe she pulled the name out of a hat. Maybe if A hadn't said yes, she'd have asked you.

I think you'd be quite mad to be miffed enough to post on the internet about it. But you are feeling what you are feeling, clearly.

Stop overthinking it, it’s fine for two of your friends to do something without you.

It sounds as if you are already feeling a bit left out if they are always popping into each others houses as you said

Girl you will drive yourself mad! Listen to some music/go outside/watch something funny! Take a step back.

It's not worth falling out over darling I promise ♥️

I don’t think you should say anything. There was only one spot, she couldn’t invite you both, for all you know she pulled one of your names out of a hat.

I think if they were arranging a night/weekend away just the two of them I might be a bit upset, but as it's an invite to replace someone you should just 'let it go'. I get why you might be a bit upset but it's not been done intentionally.

It sounds like they have grown closer as friends and that's ok, friendships wax and wane over the years. It's never nice to feel left out but I wouldn't take it to heart. It could just be as simple as one friend popped in for a visit and was asked just because she happened to be there when someone dropped out. It's not like they've deliberately excluded you.

Not to stick the boot in, but it sounds like they probably have their own chat anyway.

Friendships ebb and flow, maybe invest in other friendships for a while and revisit this one later