Wwyd? Mum staying with aggressive partner

[whyey]

I really need help on this one- I feel I’m missing something as the rest of my family don’t think the same as I do.

so briefly, our mum (us- four adult kids) has been with an aggressive partner since we were young. He’s the kind of man who is misogynistic, mean comments, bad temper etc. not nice to grow up with. He is also pervy predator and was always flirty with my teen friends growing up, said inappropriate things to girls and young women. He has been accused of a few things over the years but our mum never believes what she is told. Up until now, we’ve tolerated him at Christmases and birthdays etc. however we have now found out that a cousin of ours has made an allegation that he was sexually inappropriate with her when she was younger. Not much detail on what he did as her memory is sketchy but I’ve heard what she can remember and it sounds horrible and believable and don’t want to see him ever again however our mum doesn’t believe it and is sticking by him. I’m confused about how to be with my mum now. How can she still have a relationship with this man and still expect a relationship with the rest of the family? Wwyd? Would you still see your mum or go nc and tell her why? Please be nice- we’re all over the place at the moment: we love our mum very much but hate how she’s staying with him.

She might have felt trapped when you were all younger. Would any of you take her in now? Does she know she has options?

I would say you are prepared to see her on her own only and only at your own homes or out and about. I would say you are all no longer prepared to tolerate her partner, but that you love her and want to see her. I wouldn’t tell her about the incident with your cousin, but just that you all don’t like or feel safe with her partner.

See what happens with the police investigation?

@Herdinggoats Yes we could take her in but she owns her own house so she could kick him out. She knows about the allegation but doesn’t believe it. Police have been informed but they said there is not enough information to do anything so that is a dead end.

@HelloMiss We were hoping the police becoming involved would make her see how serious it is but they said they can’t do anything because it’s historical and no witnesses. Ffs.

It could be she doesn’t see it as abuse because she’s been in it so long. He may be pleading innocence and he is gaslighting her to believe he’s the victim.
You can’t force her to see what she doesn’t want to see.
I would refuse to visit her house and see her outside or at your own homes without partner.
If she is away from him visiting you then you may be able to help her to start thinking about his behaviour. Keep it as factual as possible so she can’t put it down to ‘recollections may vary’

I would just say that given what you know about him, you're supporting your cousins allegations and so you dont want a relationship with him. She is free to have a relationship with you away from him, you'll even help her leave if thats what she wants. But he is not welcome at your house, you wont visit her and you will not tolerate meeting her in public with him.

It has to be her choice. Your choice is to set a boundary.

She's your mum. You stay firmly in contact and DO NOT allow him to isolate her.

Surely you can agree that you don't share the same taste in men, avoid any further discussion on that topic, and just be there to pick up the pieces when it all eventually comes crashing down.

Id make it clear to mum that i want to maintain a relationship with HER, but i want nothing to do with him, no joint gatherings, hes not invited to anything, he doesn't visit, the family wont visit her while he is there etc.

You maintain the relationship with her but total NC with him. The more people do that it may trigger something in her. If it doesn't then you are NC with him.

All of this ^^

@whyey

I am sorry you are experiencing this,
I think 🤔 you need to be honest and straight with her,
You can only maintain a relationship with her on her own,
no way do you want anything to do with her partner from now on going forwards,

Have united front with your family on this issue too,

Also tell your cousin you believe in them 💯 per cent and will support back them whatever they decide to do in future in regards of sexual abuse allegation,

What kind of background did your mother come from then?
she is clearly in indenial

Clinging onto dear life with this nasty men,
even though she knows and got support from her family
If she left him .

Typo mistake man *

@whyey

I wonder cause its historical abuse
if there maybe other victims of S.A abuse instigated involving him too?

In other historical sexual abuse cases they have still taking this court and prosecuted ect...

I would make clear to my mother that I would only have contact with her on her own, without him present and that the minute he showed up any meeting would be terminated immediately.

I'd tell her that my childhood experiences of him made me inclined to believe the cousin's account so that I now wanted no relationship whatsoever with him.

If you have children then do not let your mother see or take care of them on her own because she is totally in denial about the risks her partner poses to them.