To think that I’ll never be able to love again and to give up at 30?

[Alphabetspagbol]

I am feeling so low today, and I’m not sure whether to call it a day and stop trying.

I am a young widow, I met my husband when we were 13 at school, we were each others first everything and got married on our 10 year anniversary at 23. A year later he was sadly involved in an RTC and passed away after a few days in hospital.

I plunged into a deep depression, we were trying for a baby, close to making an offer on our perfect family home, I really struggled for a year until I started therapy. I have found therapy helpful but I still can’t move on.

I go on dates but no one can ever compare to him, I want to try to move on, I want a family, but deep down I don’t know if I can ever move past the loss and ‘settling’ for someone else.

my longest relationship since losing my husband was 4 months, and it ended because I just couldn’t get past the fact he was so different to DH.

My mum is urging me to freeze my eggs, as I really want children and don’t want to let my youth and fertility pass me whilst I try to reconcile how different life is from what I planned. But I don’t know if it’s worth the pain, and money when I am not sure I will ever be ‘over’ him enough to give myself to someone else.

AIBU to give up, how long should this process take?

I think you should go back to therapy tbh. It sounds like you are still processing what happened.

I don't think you're at fault at all for how you feel, but I definitely think you can fall in love again. But you might need to find a way to see relationships differently. You have changed enormously since you were 23, you can find the right partner for who you are now. Relationships will be imperfect, because humans are imperfect. You would have discovered that about your first marriage if you had had time to do so. You are living a different chapter now.

Do NOT give up on yourself or on love. I met my DH at 30, married at 35, children at 36 and 38. You are very young! Go back to therapy and be kind and gentle to yourself. Don’t rule out life.

That is a very sad story, I am so sorry OP.

Loss takes as long as it takes. People vary a lot. If the bereavement was traumatic- and it sounds like yours was - it may take longer to be ‘over’ someone. I can imagine that it’s impossible to imagine another relationship because no one can be who your husband was to you. Being together from the age of 13 is rare and very special.

But - there may be someone else who is special enough for you in a different way. When you are ready, you will let them in.

I think your mum may have a point in suggesting you freeze your eggs. Is it possible at all that, if you don’t meet someone in time, that you could consider having children on your own one day?

All the best to you.

I am so sorry for your loss and cannot imagine how difficult it is.
Definitely don’t give up. Continue with therapy. Find someone when you are ready.
I met my DP at 31 after having very few long term relationships and wondering if I would ever feel that way about someone - I am so happy with my DP and we have a family together now. I know that’s a very different situation to yours, but you can meet someone when you least expect it, they won’t be the same as your husband, but hopefully in time you’ll be able to accept and cherish a new relationship.

I also think you might benefit from a bit more therapy. In the meantime do some things that make you happy.
My therapist read out a list of happy things for me to do today.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there are support groups for young widows and widowers, have you accessed any? A friend of mine found it very helpful after her lovely husband died in his late 20s.

I feel like you need advice and a hand-hold from others who have been through the same experience as you. It's hard to know what to recommend or even say otherwise.

You are not ready to find love.

If you need to prep for the future version of your self then do it and freeze the eggs, but you can't find love when you're still in love. You need to first get to a state where you can love the person you are and the world you are in before you can even begin to entertain love.

I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry this has happened to you. Don't give up on finding another love - but stop looking now and concentrate on yourself.