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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I’m not a priority

53 replies

Tweety40 · 20/03/2024 10:01

My DP starts work at 4.30am and I work 3 evenings during the week in a new job. I understand getting up early is tiring.

I just feel a bit upset as I worked last night so got to bed at 11.30pm, baring in mind id not seen him that day. So I get into bed and try and give him a kiss and cuddle to be told that he’s trying to sleep, then rolls over. Like I said, I understand he’s tired but he didn’t even ask me how I was etc, it’s like I was not worthy of 5mins of his time, especially after not seeing him all day.

AIBU for feeling upset by this? If I didn’t try and cuddle him he wouldn’t have even known I was in bed. I could have been attacked or broke down or anything on the way home from work and he wouldn’t have known until he got up for work. Surely if you really love and care for someone you wouldn’t really be able to settle until they were home?

OP posts:

Obeast · 20/03/2024 11:01

GalileoHumpkins · 20/03/2024 10:04

I'd actually want my husband to be getting some good quality sleep rather than lying awake making up overly dramatic scenarios about me being dead in a ditch tbh.

This.
Both stop waking each other up.

Overthebow · 20/03/2024 11:07

Surely if you really love and care for someone you won’t want to wake them up at 11.30pm when they start work at 4.30am as you’d want them to have a good nights sleep?

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/03/2024 11:10

I get up at 5.30am for work. I go to sleep in the spare room before my husband gets home from work and wouldnt want him to come and wake me up for a kiss/cuddle/to let me know he was home.

I also wouldnt wake him before I go to work for a kiss and cuddle, hence the separate rooms when working! If you no longer want him to do this, tell him and both let each other stay asleep

sandyhappypeople · 20/03/2024 11:15

Tweety40 · 20/03/2024 10:57

@Crumpleton he does wake me for a kiss and cuddle before he leaves and yes it can take me ages to get back off, where as it doesn’t with him.

You're free to tell him to stop doing that if it bothers you though?

I'm in exactly the same situation as you, one week out of two this is our schedule. My DH goes to bed at 10:30pm to wake up at 4:30am, there is no way I would wake him up after he's already in bed, he'd be far too tired for anything other than a quick kiss anyway, I definitely wouldn't expect him to engage in conversation with me of any form, he needs to sleep.

I think the problem here is your 'quick cuddle and kiss' isn't just that, you're expecting him to engage with you and that's not fair on him. If someone woke me up expecting me to ask them about their day, I'd be bloody annoyed too.

My DH gives me a kiss and a cuddle at 5:00am when he goes to work because I like him to, and it is just that, the briefest of kisses and cuddles, I'm not capable of coherent thought anyway!

Can't you ring him on your lunch break from work to talk to him then?

SherrieElmer · 20/03/2024 11:18

You are being ridiculous.
The man gets up at 04:30 and you woke him up at 23:30? Do you realise that once woken up some people struggle to fall back to sleep ? How bloody disrespectful.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/03/2024 11:18

Waking up sleeping people unnecessarily is not a good thing.

Find a different time to connect.

SKG231 · 20/03/2024 11:20

Working conflicting shift patterns life this can be tough. Each person is tired/sleeping/getting up at different times so it no wonder you’re not wanting to both connect/catch up/be present at the same time.

I would suggest consciously setting a time together for a quality catch up. Even if it’s for a coffee in the front room but if you have a time set you can both prepare for it, show up and be present.

neilyoungismyhero · 20/03/2024 11:25

4.30 am? Brutal, it's not just an early start everything is affected and someone waking you up for a bit of a chat and cuddle is..well there are no words...
Sorry but you're completely selfish.

Crumpleton · 20/03/2024 11:29

Tweety40 · 20/03/2024 10:57

@Crumpleton he does wake me for a kiss and cuddle before he leaves and yes it can take me ages to get back off, where as it doesn’t with him.

Irrelevant of how long you think it takes him to get back to sleep you're still disturbing him.

WhisperGold · 20/03/2024 11:32

When the poll is 99% YABU, maybe worth having a rethink?

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/03/2024 11:34

Tweety40 · 20/03/2024 10:57

@Crumpleton he does wake me for a kiss and cuddle before he leaves and yes it can take me ages to get back off, where as it doesn’t with him.

Tell him not to, then.

iceteaandmints · 20/03/2024 11:46

Drama queen much.

harriethoyle · 20/03/2024 12:03

If you woke me up at 11.30pm for a kiss and a cuddle when I was up at 4.30am I would be properly murderous. Stop being so utterly self-obsessed and leave the poor chap be!!

pontipinemum · 20/03/2024 12:14

I wouldn't be happy with you waking me at 11.30pm I'd prob feel you getting into bed. I also wouldn't be happy with him waking me at 4am. Tell him stop that

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 20/03/2024 12:17

Your husband is paying you the compliment of assuming you are a functioning adult who can get herself home in one piece after work.

Patrickiscrazy · 20/03/2024 12:52

Are you an adult or a spoilt child?

Pinkdelight3 · 20/03/2024 13:00

I could have been attacked or broke down or anything on the way home from work and he wouldn’t have known until he got up for work.

That's ridiculously melodramatic. It's not what happened and if you had been attacked it would have been a very different and horrible situation, not occasion for a quick cuddle. It was in fact an average night where he needed to sleep so of course that's his priority. As for him waking you in the morning, tell him not to if you don't want it. It's not about the love not being a priority. People need to sleep and your work/waking hours are incompatible with cuddles first and last thing on these days.

biostudent · 20/03/2024 13:26

I think YABU a little bit, my partner gets up at 5:30am and there's no way I'd expect him to wait up for me if I was out late 3 nights a week. He needs sleep because he works 12 hour shifts, sometimes 72 hour weeks. I work 20. He needs the sleep far more than I do, and I'd be worried if he wasn't sleeping until I was home, lack of sleep consistently can have severe physical and mental health impacts.

He perhaps could have worded it better when you came in, but I know when my partner wakes up at 5:30, I don't always want to be cuddled etc.

Velvian · 20/03/2024 13:43

I would be fuming in either situation. YA both BVU.

LifeExperience · 20/03/2024 13:52

Even if he falls back to sleep quickly, you have interrupted his body's sleep cycle which could make him very sleepy the next day. That is not an act of love, it is an act of selfishness. If you really love him, LET HIM SLEEP!

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 20/03/2024 14:04

Tell him you’ll stop when he stops waking you up.

KreedKafer · 20/03/2024 14:08

Christ alive. Just let the man sleep.

LoveSandbanks · 20/03/2024 14:14

I don’t even wait up for my (young adult) kids to come home if they’ve been out of an evening.

you seriously expect the bloke to wait up for you after he’s been up since 4.30am???

grow up!

KreedKafer · 20/03/2024 14:17

Tweety40 · 20/03/2024 10:57

@Crumpleton he does wake me for a kiss and cuddle before he leaves and yes it can take me ages to get back off, where as it doesn’t with him.

I'm guessing he probably does that because if he didn't, you'd complain he wasn't prioritising you by leaving without saying goodbye.

But if you don't want him to wake you up, tell him not to do it. It's not complicated.

Wishimaywishimight · 20/03/2024 14:22

If I had to be up for work at 4.30am and my other half, no matter how much I love them, woke me for "a cuddle" at 11.30pm I would tell them to get stuffed and never do that again. It's totally inconsiderate and attempting to manipulate him (even just in your own thoughts) by saying/thinking you could have been dead in a ditch is passive-aggressive bullshit.

If you don't like him waking you when he leaves early then tell him so.

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