To cut ties with this man?

[GEK1983]

Evening all,

Here's my dilemma. I have become friends with a man that I get along with very well, I've never laughed so much in my life and he seems very caring, compassionate and empathetic. My issue is that he is friends with a convicted sex offender. The offence was not against children and it wasn't the worst sex offence but it did involve upskirting and revenge porn stuff, this criminal also abused and harrassed his ex wife after she left him and he was unable to see his children for a few years without supervision. My friend claims they're not actually friends and he tolerates him in social groups, however, he remains friends with him on social media platforms and I just feel like they're better friends than he lets on as he knows, naturally, I can't stand abusers, especially as I've been attacked myself previously. Would you judge my friend? If so would you judge silently or cut ties as 'the company you keep' springs to mind? Or would you think he's being his kind self and giving him a second chance in life and I'm being mean? Or would you believe him about only tolerating him? if so though, why do they remain friends on socials.

Tia

I'd cut ties quicker than you could blink.

You don’t know the true story so I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It isn’t him who is the abuser!

His moral compass is off whack, I'd be wary. I don't think I could date someone who is a misogynist and abuser sympathiser. Which, By proxy... being friends with him is exactly what he is. He doesn't care who sees on facebook.

Revenge porn and upskirting is vile. I don't think it's defedable really.

It seems a little unfair that he gets 'tarred with the same brush' purely because he knows a 'sex offender' socially. i'd be making it clear that, although you accept this man is his friend, you will not be welcoming this person into your circle.

I would also have a little chat about his own 'views', just to make sure that he feels that this persons actions were wrong etc. I couldn't be with someone who had a view of 'what he did wasn't that bad!' I'd need assurances that your friend absolutely did not have sympathy for this person. did any of that make sense.

my husbands son is on bail for rape offences. my husband is supporting his son, it doesn't mean he agrees or sympathises with his sons actions! but by the same token this doesn't make my husband a 'rapist' by proxy!

He says he definitely doesn't agree with him and it makes him feel sick, he calls him all sorts and I'll ask why he still has him on social media and he will use some excuse. He constantly slates the guy to me.

But your husbands son is a relative, so it's more complicated. If my friend is saying they're not actually close friends anymore then why does he still keep him on socials? It's easy to delete him. My issue is maybe he is being honest and it will cause awkwardness in his circle to delete him as it will cause conflict. Maybe...

I said misogynist and abuser sympathiser.

I find think like this hit a bit close to home... by supporting his son, he is supporting a person charged of rape offences. Its a fact. Fair enough if its his son, doesn't change the fact he is supporting them.

Same as op. The person spends time with an abuser. Facts are facts.

I'd ask him why he spends time with someone he slags off so much and has on facebook, that's a red flag in itself as his words to you don't align with his actions and morals.

I agree, I always say if someone is slagging someone off to you then they probably do it about you, he insists he rarely sees him and avoids him like the plague if he does come into contact with him but he doesn't remove him from social media, it makes me wonder if I'm being lied to.

How do you know about all this? If its like he says it is. I know of many abusive people who could be loosely linked to certain circles, but no one would say I am friends with them to ask me about it? That's what seems strange about it.

I’d ask him, ‘Do you not find it difficult to pretend that you are friends with him given what you say to me? What is the benefit of doing this instead of making it clear that you don’t like his behaviour?’

He’s essentially showing that he in some way wants to placate / not upset a guy who posts revenge porn and abuses women. You need to find out why!

I know about it all as he told me. I didn't ask, he just laid it out one day in conversation.

I have asked him over and over and he just repeats he isn't friends with him but can't explain why he is friends with him on socials. I did mention about how it looks and he just acted shocked and repeated what he always says.

Will it cause upset throughout his social group? If so, that could be quite a big problem. If it's likely to cause upset to the individual then that's a different matter.

Whole group? OK, let it go, but do whatever you need to do to make sure the guy can't see your fb stuff.

Upset the individual? Very suspicious.

That's a bit odd in itself! How long have you known him?

I had an ex work colleague. He got into a "spot of bother" let's say. None of my work colleagues had anything more to do with him. I met up with him once. To clear the air. I also went to visit him in hospital when he was very ill.

He had behaved like an idiot yes, but did I want to hear he had been found swinging from a tree. I tried to show him some compassion.

We met twice in total. I still feel it was the right thing to do.

This is the thing, the criminal guy has mental health issues and has been sectioned before for attempting. I wonder if he's scared to completely get rid for that reason.

To answer a pp, we've known each other just short of a year and have got closer as time has gone on.

Yes but your moral compass doesn't seem off whack. The op isn't getting a straight
.. coherent answer from the friend. Who, sounds like might have been potentially more. Unsure if op meant that of not.

I think if the friend was giving answers that aligned and made sense, she wouldn't be posting here. Its the ambiguity, or dots not lining up.

It all sounds a bit weird. Why would the behaviour of this other man be a talking point, something your man thinks is suitable to bring up in conversation with you?

I find it strange that he is friends with someone like this and also that he brought it up unprompted in a conversation also.

He doesn't appear to have much logic or good judgement.

I think a parent in contact with a child is very different & in no way comparable. Cutting ties isn't as simple there and I would be pretty certain it's a very difficult position for any parent to find themselves in.

I wouldn’t date a man who ‘tolerated’ a convicted sex offender socially. At all.

Either he’s lying to you and doesn’t actually care that this man is a sex offender, or he’s very weak minded and afraid of the social repercussions of cutting all trace of this man out of his life. Either way, it’s not a great quality in a person, is it?

I’m really hoping your language isn’t minimising rape or child abuse… ‘spot of bother’ 🙄

Wouldn’t he have given this as a reason if he was afraid that he would try to harm himself? It’s far more plausible and sympathetic to him than the ‘excuses’ he’s given you so far, so I’m surprised he hasn’t raised it as a reason if that were the case.