To be sad about not having an active sex life again?

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Been with my partner around 10 years, we have a few kids. Since the birth of 1st DC, our sex life has declined and now it’s essentially non-existent: perhaps once a year. I’m still young, take really good care of myself and used to initiate sex quite a bit. After multiple rejection, I’ve given up trying and have pretty much resigned myself to the fact I’ll be in a sex-less and affection-less relationship indefinitely. Partner also disclosed porn addiction, but I can’t help but have my suspicions that he may get sex elsewhere.

Btw, we have a pretty normal relationship and get on well so not lots of arguments, we spend every evening and weekend together. He doesn’t go out much, just for work each day, which leaves me wondering when he’d fit in an affair.

It always makes me sad when I hear my friends say things like “my husband/partner is always wanting sex” or “he’s always up for it”. I had an amazing sex life in previous relationships and did with my current partner at the beginning. It’s like me having kids has made me less desirable to him, he doesn’t kiss or cuddle me either. I have spoken to him in the past and he has said he would address his issues and assured me he does find me attractive. It’s such a head fuck, and although I can usually carry on as normal, today is one of those days where it’s popped into my head and I can’t shake it off.

I’m planning on speaking with I’m tonight. I have no intention of leaving as I have small kids and we have a happy enough home not to break that up.

I guess I’m looking for similar stories perhaps, so I don’t feel so lonely. I don’t often come across woman who are in my position.

I don't have any experience of this, sorry but just wanted to wish you well for your chat tonight.

I think you are doing the right thing. You have a right to know what is going on! It is normal within marriages to have a sex life and you two don't so IMO he really owes it to you to talk.

He has told you he had a porn addiction but that he would address it. I would bet my house that he hasn't addressed it.

If I were you I would ask him some nice open questions and just let him speak. Don't put words in his mouth. Let him know that you want to know what's going on now, how he sees the future between you, whatever it is. And ask him does he think it is fair to you, his wife that you should live unwillingly in a sexless marriage? If there's something he can do about it, he should really be proactive to address it, whatever it is.

If he's gay or something else like that then things might not be so easy.

@Chamomileteaplease thank you for responding. I’ve often wondered if he is gay, and have asked him in the past, he assures me he isn’t. I think it’s worth revisiting. But after years of this, it’s having a massive effect on my mental health and my overall wellbeing. I really want answers or something done. I just can’t go on like this and it pains me that I know I will.

Don't worry about whether other people are having sex or not. Just think what's best for the two of you

Yeah that’s true. I guess the reason it bothers me is because I want that in my relationship too x

I was the same as you. After my son was born in 2011 my love life became non existent. Husband rejected me constantly. We didn't argue and I thought I could live with it for the sake of the kids etc.
2019 I decided I deserved better. Only after we separated did I realise how beaten down I'd become. How much my sex less and ultimately live less marriage had become and how much that had affected my kids even though we didn't argue etc.
5 years on now and I'm divorced. Not in a new relationship but that's out of choice and my kids are so much happier.
I deserved so much better and wish I'd left years before.

Glad you’re happier now, it’s sounds like it was the best decision for you all. Did he ever give you a reason? Or try to change/make an effort?

I’m so worried I’d be heartbroken if we ended things and he moved on. It would just prove it was me all along x

Since our DC our sex life has also taken a massive incline. I read it is very very common, for me (female) my drive has massively plummeted my DH is understanding although sometimes frustrated. We have maintained the kissing and cuddling though as otherwise it would be like living with a house mate. We are both working on what we need to do to help each other be back in the headspace for more intimacy. Could you speak to him about what might help? For me I hate pressure or feeling like I “have” to do it when we go to bed.

@Farmwifefarmlife definitely no pressure from me, we don’t even sleep in the same bed and I only bring the topic up every so often. I’m not sure if the porn has completely distorted his view on what a ‘normal’ woman looks like, but he just doesn’t seem to have any attraction to me. I could walk around naked and he won’t even lift his head. I’ve spoken to him before and he just takes all responsibility but nothing changes, if there was anything I could do, I’d do it in a heartbeat x

Is he on medication that could impact his sex drive - legal or illegal? Is he impotent? Does he get erections? Does he masturbate? Does he have sex elsewhere - males or females? Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he depressed? You need to have a full and frank, gentle, non-confrontational conversation, preferably away from the home and where you won't be disturbed. He needs to know how his lack of attention is making you feel. Depending on what answers you get, you could offer to support him to visit the GP to address any underlying medical conditions. If he refuses to engage, then you have some difficult decisions to make about the future.

What your husband is doing to you is not fair. I would give him the choice- either he comes to counselling and you work on this issue or you will be looking for sex elsewhere. (You can still do this and stay married). If he's not bothered then you have your answer.
I was your husband in this situation, my DH eventually gave me this choice. We worked hard on the issue and our sex life has completely returned. Sometimes it's now me wanting it more than him! but we both know we have to make the effort.

My friend tried sex therapy which worked brilliantly for them. My other half wouldn't do it, we have recently broken up. Because the lack of affection, lack if sex and lack of care for what I needed in a relationship caused resentment. Wish you all the luck!

This is how affairs start. He is not being fair on you and rejection especially as a woman is horrible.

I’ve lived in a virtually sexless (once or twice a year) marriage for a very long time now. Our marriage is now ending due to another issue and, whilst I don’t want another partner, I’m only realising now how much of myself I have given up to keep this relationship. My H made me feel like a sex maniac who was asking for way too much when all I wanted was a little bit of affection. He hated me touching him or even sitting beside him. No kissing, no affection and no warmth - I actually feel like I’ve been on my own for years!
You matter, don’t push your needs to the back to keep things sweet because he needs to make an effort too!

I could have written the same thing.

We have 3 kids aged 4 and under. DH's sex drive has declined since I was pregnant with our first. I know he was surprised by the physical changes of my body. I went from a size 6 pre-pregnancy to a size 12. Coupled with the lack of sleep, he's found it hard.

We recently had an argument as I didn't feel appreciated on Mothering Sunday. It was obvious we had our wires crossed. He worries about money all the time, despite us both working full time. The COL crisis really hasn't helped things.

I found it easier to text my husband about how I was feeling rather than trying to sit down together. It would feel a bit forced and I didn't want him to be defensive. I approached it from an understanding perspective and also said it's not normal for him to lack energy so much compared to other men I know who are in a similar situation. I suggested I don't want a sexless marriage and would he consider an open one as I get a lot of attention at work. I love him and the boys but I missed being intimate.

Honestly, this was the rocket up the bum that he needed! He was a changed man overnight! Showering me with compliments, taking the time to hug and kiss me more. To be fair we already did that often but it was the sex that was missing.

That night he then initiated sex with me and it was fab! We had last had sex last August!

I felt exactly like you. He would masturbate in the shower over having a sex with me. I knew he wasn't having an affair as he's around before and after work and all weekend. He's very loyal and loves the boys and I but he lost his mojo.

If you want to private DM me I'm happy to share the exchange of messages with you. I'm currently ill so we haven't done it again yet but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

He also contacted the doctor to get put on the waiting list for a health check up as he agreed he should have more energy than he does. Don't lose help, he sounds like he loves you a lot. He's just struggling too. Sometimes they have to realise we have walking power and we're more than capable of making a good life for the kids by ourselves xx