Friends

[GK1987]

Having a weird time with my friends group lately. We’re a group of old school friends, everyone in late 30s now, but lately there’s an obvious sub group going on. It’s hard to put your finger on it but to give an example someone was hospitalised, parents were sick and only the sub group knew about it. When the rest of us found out, it was just a “oh I thought I said”. There was also a holiday to France organised for this year, but a date ,location and accom had been agreed before we were all invited. So none of us could make it as that week wasn’t possible. One of the other excluded girls pulled them up on it and was fobbed off as if she was crazy. It’s a weird one. I know there are no rules in friendship really. I was bullied when I was younger so my immediate feelings are self preservation and withdrawing completely, which maybe isn’t right?

I would hang on. You'll find it changes again as some people have children, get divorced, etc etc.

It wouldn't bother me. I have friends who do things without me. It doesn't bother me. I don't rely on one group of friends for my social life.

I would pull back too but I was also bullied.

I suppose you and others not in the sub group could do your thing??? But that does feel a little churlish.... but then again the sub-group are excluding others.

Any reason why? Is it having children with similar ages? Partners who get on together? Same hobbies?

I’d like to say children because I do think it’s a factor as they have kids in close age to each other, but two of the girls don’t have children at all. One of them suffered a major bereavement and I think they formed more of a bond. I do think they are trying to phase out one of the excluded girls.

Bullying really affects you for life doesn’t it. I’d be devastated if anyone picked on my little girl

If the alternative would be to never speak to any of them again, then the other side would be they might feel embarrassed or worried if any of them happened to meet without you, to the extent they also could fully withdraw from speaking to you?
It sounds unnecessary. If you want to meet individuals from the group surely you can do? It's not an all or nothing situation.

That’s fair and I do have other friends. I guess it’s just a change from a group who did stuff together.

So some of them are a bit closer than others? I wouldn’t over think it. If things get arranged and you’re invited and want to go, go. If it’s not convenient don’t but don’t pull back because you’re miffed some are closer than others. That’s just cutting your nose off to spite your face

Yeah I get you. It just makes me feel less bothered about making an effort and wanting to care less. Going to something and feeling out of the loop while you’re there isn’t a great feeling.

Some are just closer than others, nothing untoward going on. That's just life I'm afraid!

This all sounds pretty natural to me. In any group of friends you'll get some who are closer than others. Ultimately, it's been 20 years since you were all at school together, People grow and change and friendships ebb and flow - people are entitled to do things as a smaller group. There's no real reason why you would necessarily all continue to get along equally brilliantly as adults just because you were friends at school.

I'm sorry you were bullied when you were younger and of course that's bound to have an effect on the way you see things as an adult. But you aren't being singled out here and I certainly don't think what's happening is akin to bullying. If it was just you being 'left out' then of course that would be very different - but it's not. If you're uncomfortable then of course it's OK to pull back, but in fact the rest of you could happily meet up without the 'sub-group' or chat more privately too, if you wanted to. The sub-group is clearly not going to mind.

I do think larger groups can have a tendency to splinter, it is natural to form fewer closer bonds. That doesn't help you though as it is hurtful to be on the outside. As someone else said, could you splinter with the others? Or is the affinity not there.

I would focus on other friends and withdraw a bit, but I am rejection avoidant!

It’s very hard to go against your natural tendencies isn’t it. My partner thinks I should just put in more ground work with some of them and force myself in.

Or make new friends and expand your friendship groups?

I get you on this. I feel like as we all get older and have responsibilities and less energy (and sometimes more distance to travel to see friends), I have to pick and choose what I go to and there is less enjoyment once you start to feel in the periphery of a group (ime). but I sort of agree with the point above that allegiances and ties can shift over time.
If you’re not feeling personally bullied and feel down after meeting them or anything then I’d just dial back a bit but keep the door open
What makes you think that one person in particular is being pushed out though? That sounds more intentional and I guess personally I’m more wary when groups have that behaviour if it is a bit like bullying (once they are long established rather than forming)

Thanks for taking the time to respond. There have been a few comments over the years but recently stronger comments. She’s an anxious person and the others aren’t and I just don’t think they have time for it. She’ll be chatted to when out with everyone but she has told me that she’s been reaching out to one of the girls to support her after her loss , she just gets her messages liked, no replies. It sounds terrible now I’m writing it out.