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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School bully, tell the teacher or parents?

39 replies

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 09:43

Dd is 8 and has always loved school, she's bright and kind and was always naturally happy and content, she loved nursery and made lots of friends and enjoyed the first 2 years of school, she was really popular but now she's become victim to one particular girl, who in dd words dictates to everyone and they all do what she says.
She has told all dd's friends not to play with dd and excluded her, they do talk to her in secret but not when the other girl is there.
I have been back and forward to the teacher and she has separated my dd from the girl, meaning she now sits by herself which I think is really unfair and should have been the other girl who was removed.
The teacher has said it's not my dd and that it's the other girl who is doing this as I wanted to make sure it wasn't half one and half the other which the teacher said wasn't the case.
The teacher also spoke to the other girls parents about it but nothing has changed.

Yesterday she said this girl was hitting her and kicking her, so I asked if she told the teacher or lunch lady and she said the girl wouldn't let her past to go and tell the teacher.
I feel like we've been to the teacher and she does nothing and then a quick word with the parent at pick up isn't effective.
I don't know the mother but I'm tempted to go over and speak to her about her daughter, respectfully but not so gently as the teacher as she is perfectly aware of her dd behaviour.

My dd is so sad, she doesn't want to go to school anymore and isn't the happy little girl she was at the beginning of the year and all because of one child.
Surely there's a way to make it stop, this girl is ruining my dd's life at the moment.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2024 10:33

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 10:00

Ok so it sounds like I shouldn't speak to the parents so going to the head should be the next steps.

Yes and put 'safeguarding and assault at school' in your subject to get the heads attention

Bellaboo01 · 19/03/2024 10:36

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 09:43

Dd is 8 and has always loved school, she's bright and kind and was always naturally happy and content, she loved nursery and made lots of friends and enjoyed the first 2 years of school, she was really popular but now she's become victim to one particular girl, who in dd words dictates to everyone and they all do what she says.
She has told all dd's friends not to play with dd and excluded her, they do talk to her in secret but not when the other girl is there.
I have been back and forward to the teacher and she has separated my dd from the girl, meaning she now sits by herself which I think is really unfair and should have been the other girl who was removed.
The teacher has said it's not my dd and that it's the other girl who is doing this as I wanted to make sure it wasn't half one and half the other which the teacher said wasn't the case.
The teacher also spoke to the other girls parents about it but nothing has changed.

Yesterday she said this girl was hitting her and kicking her, so I asked if she told the teacher or lunch lady and she said the girl wouldn't let her past to go and tell the teacher.
I feel like we've been to the teacher and she does nothing and then a quick word with the parent at pick up isn't effective.
I don't know the mother but I'm tempted to go over and speak to her about her daughter, respectfully but not so gently as the teacher as she is perfectly aware of her dd behaviour.

My dd is so sad, she doesn't want to go to school anymore and isn't the happy little girl she was at the beginning of the year and all because of one child.
Surely there's a way to make it stop, this girl is ruining my dd's life at the moment.

YABU.
Why on earth didnt you demand to see a teacher to discuss this straight away? You had time to come on here to ask opinions but, surely if your child is being alienated, punched and kicked you should straight away contact the school. No Brainer to me.

kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:36

@lunchanddinner I know both mums and yes the mum of the child who was spiteful is desperately trying to work with her child to be more kind (because it isn't the first time).

What does everyone expect? Parents to start fighting?

ConsuelaHammock · 19/03/2024 10:39

Ask for a meeting with the teacher with the headteacher present. Ask for your daughter to be seated with her friends and for the bully to be removed. Teach your daughter that it is ok for her to defend herself if she is physically attacked.

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:39

kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:36

@lunchanddinner I know both mums and yes the mum of the child who was spiteful is desperately trying to work with her child to be more kind (because it isn't the first time).

What does everyone expect? Parents to start fighting?

i didn’t ask if you knew both mums

had the victims mother approached the school before the parent? or went straight to the parent first?

and the “immediate action” was to encourage more kindness? has it worked?

kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:42

@lunchanddinner why are you so weirdly aggressive given that this approach HAS worked or certainly there's been no repeat.

And yes the school was told.

Mama2many73 · 19/03/2024 10:50

Escalate to HT with evidence that youve been in and spoken repeatedly to class teacher. As PP said print off the bullying policy and highlight important parts, and don't agree to your DD being the one 'moved'. This really pisses me off( ex primary teacher)

My niece was repeatedly bullied in y3 by a boy, in the class and playground. my dsis went in several times to speak to the teacher who basically did nothing. BiL told her to hit him every time he hit her and somehow this got back to the HT who.asked to speak with him, can't condone violence etc. He stood his ground, stated dates they'd been to speak to teacher and that as the school were unable to keep her safe during school hours, then he was encouraging his daughter to keep herself safe.
HT was shocked at what had been happening, knew nothing about it. She spoke to the teacher, she spoke with the boy and his parents and it NEVER happened again.

NotestoSelf · 19/03/2024 10:55

ASighMadeOfStone · 19/03/2024 09:52

Teacher always. Parent never.
Ask for an urgent meeting and request to know how the school is going to protect your daughter.
Take a copy of the anti-bullying policy with you from the school website. Highlight the relevant bits.

Yes, I had to get very official with DS's Head -- the school had an anti-bullying policy, but had never really had to implement it since this Head had been in position. It took me being very specific in asking how they were implementing it and doing their job to protect my son for them to step up. (The mother of the child in question has also emerged as an utter loon, and has now been barred from the playground and attending school events because of her behaviour towards another parent. Don't involve a bully's parents.)

JSMill · 19/03/2024 10:57

Yesterday she said this girl was hitting her and kicking her, so I asked if she told the teacher or lunch lady and she said the girl wouldn't let her past to go and tell the teacher.
This is quite serious. IMHO, I would insist on seeing the HT today. It's not an OTT reaction, please be assured. Every child has the right to feel safe at school.

Iftheshoesfit · 19/03/2024 10:59

Why would you go to the parents?

Just follow the bullying or general escalation process within the school

PollyPut · 19/03/2024 11:00

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 09:43

Dd is 8 and has always loved school, she's bright and kind and was always naturally happy and content, she loved nursery and made lots of friends and enjoyed the first 2 years of school, she was really popular but now she's become victim to one particular girl, who in dd words dictates to everyone and they all do what she says.
She has told all dd's friends not to play with dd and excluded her, they do talk to her in secret but not when the other girl is there.
I have been back and forward to the teacher and she has separated my dd from the girl, meaning she now sits by herself which I think is really unfair and should have been the other girl who was removed.
The teacher has said it's not my dd and that it's the other girl who is doing this as I wanted to make sure it wasn't half one and half the other which the teacher said wasn't the case.
The teacher also spoke to the other girls parents about it but nothing has changed.

Yesterday she said this girl was hitting her and kicking her, so I asked if she told the teacher or lunch lady and she said the girl wouldn't let her past to go and tell the teacher.
I feel like we've been to the teacher and she does nothing and then a quick word with the parent at pick up isn't effective.
I don't know the mother but I'm tempted to go over and speak to her about her daughter, respectfully but not so gently as the teacher as she is perfectly aware of her dd behaviour.

My dd is so sad, she doesn't want to go to school anymore and isn't the happy little girl she was at the beginning of the year and all because of one child.
Surely there's a way to make it stop, this girl is ruining my dd's life at the moment.

If you've been the teacher already I would not to to the parent, no. You could lose all credibility with the school.

Go back to the teacher or request to meet the teacher with the head as it has now got so serious. And do it quickly so it can be sorted out before the holidays

mollyfolk · 19/03/2024 11:04

Never talk to the parent. Talk to the school- start a complaints process if you aren’t getting a response. Talk to your daughter about ideas to fend off the bully - if this little girl is on a power trip sometimes a curt reply and your daughter displaying some power will set her off to find someone softer to bully!

ittakes2 · 19/03/2024 11:54

Also second go to head teacher

ForNaiceHiker · 20/03/2024 17:24

kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:42

@lunchanddinner why are you so weirdly aggressive given that this approach HAS worked or certainly there's been no repeat.

And yes the school was told.

just read thread and 😕 where was that pp aggressive? I too am curious about whether the parent went straight to the other parent or even tried the school first.

But you will no doubt accuse me of aggression now! @kirinm

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