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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School bully, tell the teacher or parents?

39 replies

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 09:43

Dd is 8 and has always loved school, she's bright and kind and was always naturally happy and content, she loved nursery and made lots of friends and enjoyed the first 2 years of school, she was really popular but now she's become victim to one particular girl, who in dd words dictates to everyone and they all do what she says.
She has told all dd's friends not to play with dd and excluded her, they do talk to her in secret but not when the other girl is there.
I have been back and forward to the teacher and she has separated my dd from the girl, meaning she now sits by herself which I think is really unfair and should have been the other girl who was removed.
The teacher has said it's not my dd and that it's the other girl who is doing this as I wanted to make sure it wasn't half one and half the other which the teacher said wasn't the case.
The teacher also spoke to the other girls parents about it but nothing has changed.

Yesterday she said this girl was hitting her and kicking her, so I asked if she told the teacher or lunch lady and she said the girl wouldn't let her past to go and tell the teacher.
I feel like we've been to the teacher and she does nothing and then a quick word with the parent at pick up isn't effective.
I don't know the mother but I'm tempted to go over and speak to her about her daughter, respectfully but not so gently as the teacher as she is perfectly aware of her dd behaviour.

My dd is so sad, she doesn't want to go to school anymore and isn't the happy little girl she was at the beginning of the year and all because of one child.
Surely there's a way to make it stop, this girl is ruining my dd's life at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 09:49

This girl used to be friends with dd but only on her terms and only when she chose.
The other dc in the class also only get be friends with her on her terms too and it seems they are tip toeing around trying to be in this girls good books but she's made it a term that nobody is to play with dd if they want to play with her who dictates everything and everyone goes along with it.
It's so sad and seems like she's aloud to get away with it.

OP posts:
HumerousHumous · 19/03/2024 09:52

Sorry to hear this. I think it's time to escalate to the head teacher, if you haven't done so already. Ideally in writing so it's all recorded.

ASighMadeOfStone · 19/03/2024 09:52

Teacher always. Parent never.
Ask for an urgent meeting and request to know how the school is going to protect your daughter.
Take a copy of the anti-bullying policy with you from the school website. Highlight the relevant bits.

CammyChameleon · 19/03/2024 09:53

Go to the teacher, a) this happened while the school is responsible for both kids and b) "proper" physical bullying like this, where a victim is kept in place and repeatedly struck (Vs an argument where there is a quick shove) is usually done by kids with parents who aren't very nice themselves.

Edited to add: teach your daughter that next time she is prevented from getting help, she should scream "HELP S/HE WON'T LET ME GO, STOP HITTING ME HELP!" as loud as she can, stamp her feet, bang her hand on something that goes "clang!", make a really big scene.

Lion400 · 19/03/2024 09:53

💯 the teacher.

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 09:53

good grief no do not talk to the mum (unless genuinely friends)

ask for a meeting with the head. today

Member984815 · 19/03/2024 09:53

Keep it in school, if you don't get satisfaction with the teacher take it to the head teacher

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 09:54

why are posters suggesting yet another talk with the ineffective teacher?

3luckystars · 19/03/2024 09:54

Always go through the school, absolutely never the parent.

This needs to be escalated above the teacher now. Good luck

Pantheon · 19/03/2024 09:55

I would speak to the headteacher at this stage. Never to the parents

JSMill · 19/03/2024 09:57

How long has this been going on for? I'm a TA and I would have expected in this situation, the girls to have been pulled out of class by SLT and told individually and collectively that this has to stop. I would then expect it to be monitored with all staff who deal with the girls eg on break/lunch duty informed and told to keep an eye on the situation. I think you need to escalate it to the head. Don't bother with the parent. That usually makes it worse.

Saz12 · 19/03/2024 09:57

Arrange a meeting with the teacher. If nothing is improved by end of the week, escalate.

The parents are really unlikely to believe your child over their own.

Crazycrazylady · 19/03/2024 09:58

Parent never ever. Always go through the school .

Ultravox · 19/03/2024 09:58

Always go through the school. You’d be amazed at the seemingly reasonable parents who come over “my little Susan would never do this!” when their child is accused of bullying.

Looks like time to escalate to the HT. Sounds like the teacher is ineffectual and making your DD sit separately is a terrible way to go about it.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/03/2024 09:59

Teacher, not parents.

Original poster
coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 10:00

Ok so it sounds like I shouldn't speak to the parents so going to the head should be the next steps.

OP posts:
echt · 19/03/2024 10:01

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 09:54

why are posters suggesting yet another talk with the ineffective teacher?

Just because it hasn't worked doesn't mean the teacher hasn't done the right things. Or the ones the school allows them to do.

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:03

echt · 19/03/2024 10:01

Just because it hasn't worked doesn't mean the teacher hasn't done the right things. Or the ones the school allows them to do.

Show quote history

separating off the victim so she sits on her own?

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:03

coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 10:00

Ok so it sounds like I shouldn't speak to the parents so going to the head should be the next steps.

yes

Saymyname28 · 19/03/2024 10:04

I'd insist on a meeting with the headteacher and the parent.

Feelingleftoutagain · 19/03/2024 10:04

Arrange a meeting with the teacher, read the school policy on bullying so you know it very well, your daughter should not be sat on her own as this is isolating her further. Is there another class? Could one be moved to that class? Strange as it sounds when my son was bullied I took him to Tae Kwon Do lessons so that he could use defensive moves - not punching - to protect himself if the bully tried to hurt him. If the teacher is unable to help or if you feel they aren't helping go to the head and speak to them I would also keep a diary of incidents so you can show its happening over a prolonged period

Original poster
coastalsunset · 19/03/2024 10:17

Yes I am keeping a log of everything she tells me, and there is two classes for each year group so perhaps changing classes is one option if the school allow, it won't be effective at lunchtime because they're all outside together.

I think they thought they were helping dd by removing her from the situation that was causing her distress but I'd have liked to see the bully removed and my dd sit with her friends but that hasn't been the case, I do like her teacher and I'm sure she is doing what she thinks is best but it isn't working for dd.

OP posts:
kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:18

I know lots of people say never the parent but recently I know of a parent who did approach another parent about something quite spiteful (only 6 year olds). The parents were mortified and obviously took action.

The school were also notified.

lunchanddinner · 19/03/2024 10:27

kirinm · 19/03/2024 10:18

I know lots of people say never the parent but recently I know of a parent who did approach another parent about something quite spiteful (only 6 year olds). The parents were mortified and obviously took action.

The school were also notified.

what “action”

and had the parent even tried with the school first?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2024 10:32

HumerousHumous · 19/03/2024 09:52

Sorry to hear this. I think it's time to escalate to the head teacher, if you haven't done so already. Ideally in writing so it's all recorded.

I agree.

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