Anxiety and OCD in mum

[boopapoo]

DM is 70, lives 20 mins away, ok health and plenty of friends, step dad died 18m ago.
I have preschooler and she's keen to see a lot of her..but she can be very controlling and has very bad OCD and anxiety about housework. My DS sees very little of her due to this but I was seeing her on both my days off with DD and often at weekends too. However I was finding I spend the days before she comes over cleaning our house, the days she's here worrying about it so pretty much 6 days a week. I don't see anyone or have anyone over and spend a lot of the time rigorously making our house immaculate. DH recognized this, spoke to my dad who said DGM (deceased) was the same and it seems to be spreading down the family line. Was also causing arguments with DH as I'd be expecting lots of housework to be done all the time. Like DM was when I was a child (did not spend time with us at all to spring clean house every weekend). So it's not to do with SD passing away. He also got fed up with it.
So last week I told DM I'd spend time with her at her house or out, but not to come to our house at all for next few weeks as I'm becoming obsessive and miserable in my own home. Seemed to understand but no willingness to do anything about it. I feel relieved she won't be coming for a while and feel awful about it tho, AIBU to do this going forward? She will never change will she?
I did post on elderly parents but thought AIBU maybe better.

She won't change, you can't just switch off OCD. Yes, it can be incredibly irritating, I have OCD and annoy myself at times.

Has she ever said anything about your home? She might not care what your house is like

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea
Even if the house is immaculate (because I've spent hours cleaning it before she comes) she will still constantly ask if there are any jobs to do, tidy up toys that DD is playing with while she's playing with them, go round picking tiny bits off the floor that I may have missed, wipe the already clean kitchen work tops etc

That sounds like she's desperately searching for something to do. I don't think she's saying your house isn't clean enough. That would the compulsive part, she feels that she has to be doing these things

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea
Yes that's it, she can't just sit and enjoy our company, she's either obsessing about imaginary housework that 'needs' doing or on her phone and it's making me hate being with her in my house and puts me on edge which spoils my day off with DD

@boopapoo You can't change her, but you can change your reactions to her.

Having a bit of time off feels like a good step.

While you're having that break, maybe also think about how can you reframe it in your own head to be clear that any OCD & anxiety issues are entirely her problem, not yours, and let it just flow over you?

You are likely bothered by her behaviour because there's a part of you that is concerned that some part of what she's saying is true - not because it is, but because you grew up with her and will likely have internalised parts of her anxiety.

We can never change another person, but if we can find compassion for them - "oh, it's so sad that she's so anxious about these trivial things", and at the same time not get caught up in their story - "I know my house is fine. I don't need to clean more than I would if she wasn't here, what's important to me is spending fun time with my kids", and accept them the way they are - "she's trapped in her neuroses, but I don't have to join her in them", then it becomes easier to just let them be as they are, but without it affecting us at all, because you know perfectly well it's not actually about you and the cleanliness of your home at all, but about some fear/inadequacy inside her own head...

You really can't have her in your house at all! You need to put your own health and welfare first, especially as you have a child to look after. See her elsewhere and be firm about not letting her into your home. I say this as a 70 year old Mum and Granny myself.

If she refuses to join you for a few hours out of the house, at a park or museum, then its worth considering she might have masked agoraphobia/claustrophobia.

Try to persuade her to see her GP and have that investigated.

@Thelnebriati
No she very sociable, happy to go out and about, only like this in her mine or my sisters house

@WrylyAmused
This is sage advice thanks.
Sometimes I can do this but it's so so wearing and she is just relentless with it.
My sister has been worn down by it over the years and now doesn't spend time with her, mum knows this but still doesn't do anything about it.
I def need a break from it

@Shetlands
Thank you, good to hear from someone same age etc as my mum.
I've just spent the morning talking through it all with a dear family friend who knows both of us, who has agreed it isn't normal and I need to put boundaries in place for me DH and DD

Does your mum say hurtful things about your home if it's not tidy? God I'd put her to work instead if she said anything or just tell her not to come. I don't see why you need to scrub the house for her coming, it's her problem to overcone and I wouldn't facilitate her. It's worrying for your husband to see it happening and it's good you recognise you are going the same way. Would it be helpful to maybe have some preemptive counselling?

@Gcsunnyside23
Thing is if we give her stuff to do it just perpetuates her obsession with cleaning, and tbf it really clean already. I could have a professional cleaner in all day and she'd still go on about cleaning.
Yes I have asked for CBT (funded by my work) but when we lived away I didn't have this issue

I would arrange to meet her somewhere else such as a child friendly cafe perhaps. Sounds stressful