Is now a good time to move in together?

[Evenicoulddothat]

2 years ago I met a man online, he's a doctor, his wife passed away 10 years ago now and he has one daughter who's 19 nearly 20 and in her first year of uni.
I have one son who's 17 nearly 18, I'm a nursery manager.
My son is going to go to uni in the summer to study mental health nursing, he will likely leave home as his top 2 uni choices aren't quite commutable. Luckily they aren't expensive cities I don't think.
I live in a 2 bed rental, it's nothing fancy but it does my son and I well. My son's dad is remarried and pays £250 a month in maintenance and I claim a little UC that I'm entitled to.
My partner owns a 4 bed house in a lovely part of the city mortgage free. When his wife passed away he sold the family home which was in a much more expensive part of the country, bought his current house mortgage free and kept all of the life insurance more or less for his daughter.
My partner thinks that when my son goes to uni this year I should move in with him, we'd split the bills 70/30 which is roughly our income split (he's 4 days a week but still makes nearly 90,000, I make 35,000). I'll be honest I've never been with someone who's as well off as he is so it's a bit alien to me.
The main issue is if my son went to uni and lived with me alone he'd get pretty close to full loan but would only get minimum if I move in with my partner. My partner says it's fine as I could give him what I currently pay in rent - 300 which is UC and child benefit currently and the 250 maintenance his dad could give him. He thinks 775 a month + minimum maintenance loan is plenty for him to live on and cover Accomodation. I'm worried that it won't be but I don't know.
Then there is the disparity, his daughter did a gap year with her mums money that cost a hell of a lot of money (probably more than I make in a year all in), isn't taking any uni loans, is paying fees and Accomodation out of her mums money and her dad sends her some money to live off + her job for food etc. Obviously this is fair enough but I'm worried my son would be jealous?
My partner says we could make the guest room my son's room, he can have all his stuff and decorate it as he wishes to make up for him losing his room at home.

My sister thinks I need to wait until DS has finished uni, and I know he won't ever move home again as it's not fair to make him feel like as soon as he's left for uni I'm packing up to move in with a man. But then his dad moved in with his new wife when he was still a teen? And we'd have a much better quality of life, with less outgoings and a nice big house with a lovely garden in the nicest part of the city.
DS and partners DD haven't really met that much. His DD likes to work extra hours over the holidays and had a gap year where between July 22 and August 23 she was home for less than 4 weeks all in. But they don't seem to dislike each other or anything. This year we did Christmas all of us and they had a great time doing TikTok dances and what have you together.
I've asked DS about it and he says whatever it's fine.

The only other issue is, if it did work out. Neither of us want to get married again, too much hassle really. So if he died first what would happen to the house? And what about inheriting the house I'd imagine even if we die in 40 years, I'd imagine he'd want it to go to his DD. Now I'm unlikely to ever buy but I'm not sure if that's fair on DS.

Is now a good time to move in? AIBU to think it's as good a time as any?

@T1Dmama

On that account my ex husband and I had separate finances as we never had a joint account, the bills came out my account and he transferred/gave me cash for the rest!!

I don't think a couple can live together and not having shared finances. Surely by default of sharing a bed and eating dinner together you're clearly not a lodger?

I don't think the lodger thing is a goer. You're not a lodger so it'd be dodgy to claim you are. However I don't know that a boyfriend's income should be taken into account for a son's uni loan/fees when they're not responsible for your DS. That seems morally wrong to me. But legally I've no idea. If you've checked and they are factored in, then that's a shit deal for your DS. If the government factors in the DP's income, then they're assuming the DP is helping to fund DS, which he patently is not.

Good grief it was only an option.
in law a marriage is automatically everything is shared and they’re responsible for your debts etc..
I was just giving you another option to explore…. Maybe you could seek advice on the subject at CAB or something…. They’re tell you the legalities of it, but it’s an option to look into….
When I wanted my ex to move in with me a solicitor suggested him being a lodger so that he didn’t have name of any bills and had a formal arrangement to protect me.

For the purposes of benefits or anything like that you do not need to have a joint account. If you are living together as a couple, from a financial point of view with regards to UC etc that is the same as being married as far as I'm aware.
We're married now but previously my then partner now husband wouldn't have been entitled to anything if he'd been unemployed etc because i earned too much

Yeah this is what I thought.

I'm not worried about losing UC, it's £200 a month which would go when DS is over 18 anyway.

It's the complication of financing uni. I think we will go ahead with it and do as my partner suggested of me funding DS and getting his dad to pay the maintenance. If I can cover Accomodation, the £250 a month from his dad plus minimum loan should cover living costs I hope.

The Accomodation he really wants is £111 a week so I could cover the £444 or so a month and still be better off financially as those only half of my current rent.

I was a little skittish before now as the uni student I know is partners DD and she's in London paying around £300 a week in rent!! Which is crazy but I didn't know if that was standard or how it would compare at a uni in the north.

Your sister is right. Moving out of your family home the minute your ds goes to uni is a shitty thing to do to him.
Uni can be tough. The first year especially so. Mental health nursing even more so. Your ds may well need to be able to come back to his own home with you quite often for a break in that first year. You say he wont be home but uni holidays are looong. He may not realise now but he'll appreciate some home comforts and familiarity.
It would be quite selfish of you to pull that rug from under your ds before you even know if he's enjoying his course. Imagine how it would feel for him that first Christmas having to stay in another person's house, new rules, new relationships with people he's met only occasionally.
Instead move in gradually. Keep your flat on and stay with your bf when your ds is away but keep your home for ds to come home to. Give it a year or so to see how that goes. Then make the move only when you know for sure that your ds is ready.

It’s not ‘grabby’ at all. The OP is worried about her son being entitled to less because of her moving in with a reasonably wealthy man. She’s worried about her son having nowhere that feels like home. She’s worried about the discrepancies in the two kids’ lifestyles.

If you loved each other and wanted to be together, surely you know love comes first and money comes as it is, no matter how much or very little. Then certain things are a sacrifice anyway in life, but your commitment to each other becomes the solid rock ( not the money) you build a life on.

Through your post all is about the money and then when and where a relationship comes? As a what? An add on, a financial agreement? A business with a bit of sex thrown in ? A friendship?

If your priority is your son's finance, then this is your priority. Leave the man alone, take a decision and go for it.

How much time do you spend with DP at present? I would try living with him for (say) three months before giving up your flat, to see if it works for both of you.

Although many students end up never repaying their loans in full, they still have the burden of debt. Whereas your DS will benefit by not starting his adult life in debt if you pay for him.

Best of luck to you all.

Well that's a massive over simplification.

Of course love is the foundation of our relationship.

However neither of us are naive enough to believe that we can just throw caution to the wind, move in together and hope for the best. We have children and they will always be our respective number 1 priorities. More than the relationship, more than money. With that comes a need to ensure that what we do based on purely selfish emotions (which love is) doesn't harm our children.

Understandably he wants to protect the house that he only owns mortgage free due to the passing off his wife/daughters mother and make sure his daughter gets what is part of her mothers legacy.
Obviously I want to make sure that DS doesn't suffer for my choices.

It's all about finding away that we can forge forward with our new life together whilst letting both of our children know we are still on their side, still their biggest advocate and will continue to put their needs above all else.

It varies, but at least 3 nights a week (when DS is at his dad's) occasionally more.

This all sounds quite reasonable finance wise - you are renting and have little savings so you don't have anything to lose also your son will be borrowing less so over the 3 years that will add up so it's beneficial for him too. You have asked him and he has given his blessing , go for it . )Also if he gets a job in his uni town he may not even come back in the summer , my dd and her friend didn't , they moved into a room in a shared house on a short term tenancy until their next tenancy started)

So you end up financially better off as you will be paying much less than your current rent and bills. Your son will end up much better off as he will leave uni with much less debt. Financially it seems to be great for everyone. If your relationship ends for whatever reason then surely you just end up in the same position you are now with renting a house? The only difference is you will have the savings you've put aside from not having to pay rent for a while.

The downfall will be your son moving which can be an upheaval ( and uni can itself stir up feelings of instability) and your son having to live with your dp. If your son is OK with this then there's really no issue.

I don't get the issues you are concerned about re your son feeling jealous or being unequal to your dp's daughter. The only reason she has some money is because her mum died, that is nothing to be jealous over. And your son's financial position only improves with you moving.

Moving in together is a still a big step on from staying 3 or even more nights a week together. All the small details of everyday life when you’re sharing a home, not just visiting each other. That’s why I suggest a trial period before you give up your flat. Just to check you get on well enough together full-time.

But overall I think you’re doing the right thing. Every change in life carries a risk, and this one sounds well worth taking. I wish you all happiness.

100% this!

I think this sounds like a good plan overall but perhaps wait a few months to see if DS settles in OK at Uni. also, check that his Dad is OK to continue paying maintenance after 18. He might be making his own plans on what to do with the extra cash.

Bear in mind your ex is not legally required to pay child maintenance once son goes to uni