Rude to ask for time and place of a meet ??

[Kayamum]

i have a friend that we meet up sometimes for a play date. She reached out to have one today as Mondays is my only day off . Quite often she doesn’t commit to a time and place and I understand as we both have kids but I have mentioned this in the past, she would normally say early morning ish. She said she had something pop up with sister in law but she did say we can potentially meet there but nothing was confirmed, all I knew was a midday. After middday I have asked what is going on, and also mentioned someone else wanted to hang out but I said I can’t because I made plans with her. I have also said it stresses me out not having more set time and place (of course in approximation) as I have 2 small kids and I need to prepare to leave the house (mentally too). From that she called me rude and we had a small argument. I just don’t understand how that can be rude and the way she reacted is giving me red flags.. she basically said why don’t I come up with time and place and she will tell me if she can make it ?? She was the one wanting to hang out.. I do think this is not about this and she may have something going on but this really doesn’t show emotional intelligence and I don’t want to be scared to ask for the smallest of favours. I think asking for time and place to meet if she wants to it’s not too unreasonable? I just can’t see how that is rude

She's an idiot. You don't arrange to meet someone on a particular day and then give no idea whatsoever of the time you're going to meet. What does she want you to do - hang around all day waiting for her to say 'now'?

How can you possibly meet if you don’t know the time and place beforehand?

She sounds really flakey and I would hate not knowing what was going on on my day off. I think you're right usually if people ask me to do something I will say sure what time? As I assume they have an idea in mind, being the one who asked.

You are not being unreasonable to want to arrange a time. I do make plans to meet "Wednesday lunchtime" or "Friday afternoon" but usually one of us contacts the other one the day before to suggest a definite time.

In future, if she asks to meet up, then say "yes, I can meet at 10.30, how about the cafe in the park". Don't wait for her to say a time, take the initiative and suggest a time that suits you.

Sounds like she is the rude one. I wouldn't bother with her.

Until you've agreed a time & place, I would assume you don't have plans yet if she's that flaky & expects you to drop everything at short notice. So then you can just say 'oh sorry, when I didn't hear from you, I assumed you changed your mind. I have other plans now'

Different people have different preferences. She may prefer to leave things open and more spontaneous, but you're not unreasonable to want a more structured plan, and it's certainly not rude to let her know that's your preference.

If she's worth the effort, I'd start pinning her down on details, even if she's the one to initiate it, but if she resists or fails to turn up on time (or if she's simply not that great in other ways, either), I'd prioritise other friendships, instead.

I might give her a cut-off time. 'If I haven't heard back from you by X o'clock, I'll assume you changed your mind." Or just send her a message saying you've gone to do Y instead. She probably won't react well, but that's her problem. Maybe the two of you just aren't compatible as friends.

This!

Otherwise people are just waiting around endlessly just for nothing?

I am fine with 'I will try and be there for 10.30 but may be a little late as my appointment may run over' type thing but this airy fairy thing is not fair on the other person

You are both unreasonable- when she messages asking if your free you reply yes sure when and where? If she doesn’t respond suggest a time and place that works for you. If she doesn’t want to commit and you want to do something else then make other plans and say you’re no longer able to do x time/ place and maybe another week. Communication is key! Sometimes calling is easier than messaging…

Yanbu

Unfortunately she is treating you as an option or back up plan. She is spontaneous and you like a concrete plan with some flex like 30 mins either side.

The text you sent saying you were stressed out by not being told a time/place comes across as you being irritated by this person and she has interpreted this as being rude.

I could live without this drama and would not be making any loose plans with her again. She is a bit of dick and very thoughtless, but the moment I had to tell a friend they were stressing me out would be the end of that relationships really.

I wouldn't be waiting around to fill the bit of the day she decides, and after her rudeness would just drop her altogether. If she gets in touch again, say you have plans. There must be hundreds more parents in playgroups near you, you'll find more reasonable people to be friends with.

It wouldn’t work for me, and on that basis I would meet up with other people that could confirm time/place on my day off.

Ugh I could not be dealing with that.

She’s the rude one, and attacking you because she thought you would just take it.

Don’t meet with her without a fixed time and place, and if she’s more than 15 minutes late, leave and don’t text her at all.

Very odd not setting time for meeting.

We are all pushed for time. We all have other commitments to meet.

I just wouldn't bother with this person at all. She doesn't regard your time as important.

Just avoid her. It won't change.

I've sometimes had friends say let's meet Tuesday then we have arranged the time a day or so before . I'm more organised but I do it because I know not everyone works that way. I wouldn't be hanging around on the day though.

I'd have messaged the day before (at the latest ) and say I can do 10 at the park does that work for you?

I'd just message back and say it's rude to keep someone waiting most of the day without confirming plans. And I'd probably pull back a bit from the friendship.

She sounds like she could be someone who overcommits because she doesn't want any unfilled time. I agree with PP, if she doesn't suggest a time and place then you make a suggestion. Or else set up something that you're happy to do by yourself and they can join if they want.

You were not rude. She is showing little respect for your time, expecting you to remain available indefinitely, while she takes care of her own obligations and interests as it suits her.
What you said was fine.
The fact that she argued and turned it back on you suggests she's full of herself.

During the baby years I ditched friends like this. You need something in your day like a meet up or outing and flakey people leave you on your own. It's depressing. Worse they drop out of something leaving you making last minute plans.

Calling you rude is shitty behavior. I'd back off from her.

I would let that ‘friendship’ fizzle out. YANBU.

So, I have a friend who is similar.

I started respecting my time more. 'I can meet, sure. If you aren't sure of time & place yet, just let me know & if I'm still available we'll meet'. But I didn't hold my time anymore. I also started having back up plans if I set the meetup as she'd drop out last minute for any reason - including 'not being able to do people today'.

I barely see her now. Which is sad, but I'm not sitting around waiting for someone who doesn't respect me enough to make simple plans & stick to them.

Does she work a 9-5 kind of job? I have a friend like this who is self employed and has almost unlimited time and she's also like this. I have told her that I can't be spontaneous like she is, mostly because that's just not how I'm wired, but also because I have a full time job and so my days off are precious to me. I love meeting her but trying to pin down a time is a nightmare.
She's been better recently since I said something to her but she's a nice person. She wouldn't dream of calling me rude because I need a bit more structure than she does. I've tried to accommodate her spontaneity by being more relaxed about spot on times and she's tried to accommodate my need for structure by sticking to an agreed time. It works because we're both working on making the other person feel more comfortable.

I think in your case your friend is the rude one by assuming you're going to be hanging around for her all day. I'd probably let this one simmer for a bit and see if she gets back in touch. If she does, I'd tell her that you need a time and place to meet. I'd probably make it somewhere you don't mind going alone too in case she flakes out. If not then I don't think it's any great loss. She seems like it's her way or no way and that's not an ideal friendship.

This is a friend?? Heck, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle for someone so flakey. If this was a man you were planning to meet mners would be telling you to throw him back as a waste of time.

I had a friend like this.
It was a type of demand avoidance.
Got very angry if pressed for a time/ place
Several times I waited in and she was off doing something else and got nasty when I simply text to ask what was happening.
Manipulative behaviour
Just let it go