What would you do?

[Champsandbubbles]

I've had a very very difficult relationship with my Mom. Actually I find it hard to call her that.

We do not talk,are estranged as she has been all my life physically and emotionally abusive. I don't see her because if because if I do, I compromise my own mental well-being over hers. It impacts my family as I cannot be present as a parent to deal with her .

Physical and emotional abuse from 3 years old and into my 30s. It is not good, she has damaged me as a person. If I'm good it's okay but it doesn't take a lot to make me not .

I have children , they are young. She has has not been around to be there for pregnancies, births, birthdays. Big events , and only there for abuse not happiness.
Big or small. They are 6 and under.

She has now told me she has cancer. Nothing more, just cancer.
If i message then I engage in conversation, that I don't want. I'm nervous to open the discussion as it could be lies , also intended to drag me in and I will be miserable dealing with her pain when she's never been there for me. Ever. She makes me and my family so unhappy.

If I ignore then, if she dies then I ignored her, then I have to deal with knowing I wasn't there.

What would you do?

I am nc with my dm. Even a message about cancer would not have me replying.. Unless cancer has personality altering properties...

Same position, but with my father. I'm ignoring him. I don't owe him anything and I don't care what anyone thinks. I'll never regret cutting him out of my life.

I'm sure our situations are very nuanced and therefore very different, but all the same, know that how you respond to this doesn't say anything about who you are. It will say something about how you respond to trauma and manipulation though. I wouldn't get sucked in. Let her go, if she's going.

It doesn't at all.

It's the intention in the message

Why should you be there for her?
Has she been there for you?

You need to focus on you and your family.
Don't be guilted into doing the wrong thing.

Thank you I appreciate your response.

It's bloody awful but trying to support someone during this awful. It's tiring let alone when you love and care for someone . But when those feelings have passed it's like they create a new sense of disappointment.

You should want to be there , but the cost is too high but the judgement of others , despite their opinion is a worry.

Everyone says I should have cut her out decades ago , but I worry this would make them think differently

The fact that your mother and you share DNA does not make it compulsory that you have to get on with her. My mother couldn't be bothered to turn up to the big things in my life, so I decided that there was only so ,omg that I could go on banging my head against a brick wall until I went completely insane, so for the sake of my own sanity, completely opted out of the mother-daughter relationship thing. Given the abuse that your mother has previously inflicted on you, tbh I'm amazed that she still features in your thoughts. You owe her nothing. You don't even have to go to her funeral if you don't want to.