Should we move in with my parents?

[IVFendomum]

We are 39/40, our children are 4yo and 14 months. We’re living in a two bedroom garden flat in north London and desperately need to move. The second bedroom is tiny, the kitchen is tiny, we’re bursting at the seams. I feel bad for the kids they don’t have enough space to play.

We’ve had the flat for sale for a year and a half now - we listed it initially just before the disastrous Truss budget and loads of viewings fell through / came to nothing. The housing market was so wobbly we ended up taking it off to let things settle.

We put it back on this year and have had a lot of viewings but just one offer - and it’s £20k under asking price. Asking price by the way has been recommended by three separate estate agents and is on par with similar property sales in the area.

We have accepted today, a bit reluctantly. It’s £10k under what we paid for it in 2017 so we have lost money. It makes our onward purchase more difficult as our deposit is much smaller than we’d hoped.

My parents live nearby and have a big 5-bed house. My mum has said we can stay but she sounded a bit cautious rather than open arms if that makes sense. I get it - it’s a big invasion of their space - but it would be short term - we would be looking for a house to buy as soon as we get out of here. It would enable us to save a bit and make up the shortfall on the flat sale. And we would be chain free when we buy.

Several people we know have done this - with their children. Which makes me think we are not completely mad. Does anyone here have any experience of it and how to make it work? Did you set ground rules? How did you work out what to contribute to cover bills etc?

My dad is extremely easy going and will love having us there. My mum can be a bit difficult and I just want to make it as smooth and pain free as possible…

I guess my AIBU is
YABU - don’t move in with them
YANBU - go for it it makes sense

but really I would like advice for how to best manage this, rub along well and be reasonable whilst staying there please!

I would, and did. Made all the difference to us.

We tried to help out by doing stuff around the house, cooking as much as possible and making sure we went out and gave them space on the weekend. It ended up being really lovely to be there and my kids are much closer to them than their cousins.

Your mum is offering this a bit reluctantly.
Can you make sure they have a sitting room that is their quiet and private space? Also house rules that their bedroom is out of bounds?
Living with adult 'kids' can be difficult because if it's the house you grew up in it's tempting to view it as partly yours.

I wouldn’t if you already get the sense that your mum doesn’t particularly want you all there & wouldn’t be happy about it.

If both parents were welcoming with open arms then yes I would, but even then I’d be doing it with a promised time in mind e.g. we WILL be gone in 6 months, because then I think any irritation that does crop up is easier to deal with as they know it’s only for a short and fixed amount of time. Moving in with no set end date is where argument territory lies as you can’t just “count down”.

If you already feel your mum isn’t keen then I wouldn’t, it will only be 100x worse when the house is loud, busy, messy and everybody is on top of each other.

And it's best that their bedroom is above 'their' living room unless the sound insulation is very good. Sorry to be blunt but one of the down sides of kids moving out and then coming back is around having to consider sex noise again.

Yes do it but discuss ground rules carefully with your mum and dad. If it means you can save while staying with them rather than paying huge rental sums it's a no trainer.

You view your mum as being difficult. You can’t move in with her. It is her house and her rules. And if she wants to be difficult in her own home she can- it’s her prerogative. It sounds like she’s offered out of politeness, she doesn’t really expect you to take her up on it.

Realistically it is going to take you 3 or 4 months to find somewhere and then another 4/5 months to get a sale through. you say short term, 8 months is a long time to toe the lien.

I don’t think you are being BU either way but I think you will regret moving in if your mum makes things uncomfortable, especially if it takes you a long time to buy a new place.

Only you knows your parents bur from what you say I would say No.
No amount of saving money would help if use get on each others nerves.

I wouldn't, I think it's asking too much of your parents personally. It would be different if they were actively encouraging it but if your mum is reluctant from the start it will probably end in tears and damage your relationship.

My in-laws all live together. There's a separate living area so no one is cramped and they don't all cook together and have separate lives. You can't do it if you can't have an open and honest conversation so I would discuss with them and work through everyone's concerns and set some ground rules. Then give everyone a chance to think about it again and back out if necessary.

Ground rules are the way to go,also a deadline
I think hink people don't realise how noisy toddlers really are,and your parents haven't had that noise in so long..
I hink if you could split the house and have a chat about the what's and wherefores you might be okay

move in but set a limit of 6 months.

discuss with your parents about who will cook / clean etc. maybe pay for a cleaner for everyone and a weekly shop if they aren't charging you rent.

No. Just no.

My sister had to do a similar thing a few years ago when their onward chain fell through and didn't want to lose their buyer. They moved in with her in-laws.

It was ok. They kept to their own routines and timings and the ILs kept to theirs. They all ate together at weekends, but not weekdays. They did their own shopping, cooking, laundry etc and contributed to the extra gas, electricity etc. They tried to ensure the ILs were not inconvenienced, out of pocket or had their own routines disturbed.

It can work if everyone is mindful of everyone else's personal space, privacy and routines.

It could work if you don't slip into seeing your mother as the organiser of the hoisehold. I've noticed that when my brother stays with my DM, he expects her to think about meal planning and what food to buy, if sheets need changing, etc. He also takes over the TV and she ends up catching up on her soaps before breakfast.

She'll moan to me about it and drops hints to him, but he doesn't pick up on them. She is of a generation that seems to find it difficult to be direct and thinks she has to take on the mothering role, even if it makes life harder for her.

Be mindful of the extra workload it could cause- make sure you're cleaning, meal planning, not expecting them to babysit without checking etc.

The way you have described the situation makes me a bit hesitant. But it could work if you were utterly committed to being considerate. Ideas:

Fixed nights each week when you go out for a family restaurant meal and then straight to bed when you get home, so that they have the evening to themselves.

No working from home!

Booking in some weekends away.

Trying to minimise toys in common areas.

Sending all your washing to a laundrette.

A separate mini fridge or food cupboard. Remember that you can always sell things on afterwards.

I don't think I could have moved in with anyone with DS at 14 months. He was a force of nature, crashing about running before he could walk and still waking up yelling for us 2 to 3 times a night. I'd be more worried about the children causing friction than things like bill splitting.

Considering it took 18 months to sell, how long do you think it would take to buy?

If it was a shorter term thing (max 6 months), then maybe but any longer is a lot for everyone involved.

My parents tell me I'm always welcome home but I know that after being there 4/5 days, we all start to get under each others feet.

Just no. Rent somewhere and save your sanity.

Personally bearing in mind what you've said about your Mum not seeming that keen, I wouldn't.

However, if you can have a chat with her, say 'Mum I'm getting the vibe that though you're saying we'd be welcome, you have concerns, can you tell me what they are, so that we can see if we could work around them, or whether it's possible to put your mind at rest? We too have concerns, and would hate you to feel that you have to have us there, if you'd be happier on your own, but perhaps we can talk about everything? What do you think?

Then if you do move in, I think you'd need to ensure that you had a definite list of does and don'ts, and maybe have a family meeting once a week to nip any initial niggles in the bud. You should also contribute what you currently pay for electricity, gas and water, as you'll still be using all of those things, and perhaps if they enjoy eating out, treat them to a meal out once a week, I'd recommend it's something just for them, rather than the whole family, as you may find that having the children around all the time, and then eating out together as a family is just too much for your parents.

Finally, how old are they OP, as this could make a huge difference to how well they would cope?

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful responses!

Lots of food for thought here and I really appreciate the bits of advice for making it as smooth as possible and being considerate.

My mum came over today and I said a few times if it’s not okay please say and we will have to sort out something else. She said again about us putting our stuff in storage (that’s the plan), she mentioned that they also want to sell their house this year (we will work around and are used to viewings), and how it would work with the cat (they have a wild / feral cat they feed who comes to the back door so our cat would have to stay in..: tbh prob safer anyway to keep him in. He’s only 7 months old and recently neutered).

And I reiterated it’s a relatively short term plan - ideally max 6 months. I think if it started to drag beyond that we would look to rent. Especially as they’re wanting to sell too - we may have to.

Our buyer is pushing to move quite quickly so for now it remains the plan to move in with my folks. And start house hunting!

Also lol at whoever mentioned noisy sex. I wish we had more sex but that’s for a different thread!!

Our girl is a determined little character / strong personality! But she sleeps well and they’re used to her - my mum does a day a week childcare for us.

They are 70 and 71 and pretty fit / young at heart. Especially my dad who still works full time.

That said we would have to get out a lot at weekends - which we tend to do anyway. Our four yo boy has a LOT of energy

My husband works away on a roster pattern so it’s hard to get out in the evening as he’s away 3-4 nights every week… that said it would actually be so nice for us to get out for the odd meal as we hardly ever do that. It would mean we could get the kids down to bed and nip out. So my parents get space and we get out!

They also have a spare living room that’s like a play room for the grandkids. Me and my husband would quite happily sit in there of an evening… We have pretty different taste in telly to my mum. My dad sits in the kitchen every night watching what he wants to watch whilst working. So we could all be in different rooms 😂

I’d probably feel under more pressure to be sociable and sit with my mum but that would mean watching the crap she watches!

I wouldn't because I've done it before and it was awful! Even though beforehand we all got on just fine.

If you do move in establish a routine so everyone knows what’s happening. If your parents know what time the kids go to bed, what time to cook dinner, what time they go to nursery etc it will help. Have a tv in your own room so you can give each other space.