DP making me feel silly/bad

[Glitz1004]

Me and DS who's 8 went to do an activity on Saturday together. I shared 50/50 with his dad so I try to make the most of the time I spend with him. I thought this activity would be fun. No other adults were doing this activity, they can if they chose to it's not age restrictive but at the time I chose I was the only adult with DS. I told DP later what we had done and she said why had I done it with DS, surely he was embarrassed of me being the only adult. I said no he seemed fine and we had fun. She said well he might not wanted to have told you. I said he's only 8 why would I have embarrassed him. She made me feel really silly. I wasn't being loud at the activity or over the top.

So I asked DS if he felt embarrassed at the weekend doing the activity. He screwed his face up and said what? Of course not. I feel like DP was trying to put a downer on it and make me feel silly and like I shouldn't have done it.

Who's unreasonable me or DP?

Without knowing the activity, we can't really judge.

Was it cycling?? 🤣

Of course YANBU. Your partner's being a twat.

I could be completely wrong, but the fact that this has obviously bothered you so much makes me wonder if this is something she does a lot - ie makes you feel stupid/guilty over something totally normal or questioned your parenting and made you second-guess yourself and feel worried. If that's the case, then please have a good old think about your relationship because that's not a good sign.

Your DP was tactless and a bit rude. Did she apologise afterwards ?

Does she have kids of her own or know much about kids ? Because most 8yo are happy to do things with their parent.

Does your Dp often do things that make you feel bad or is this a one off?

No 🤣 it was climbing

Yes actually she does make little digs and comments. Just makes feel 2nd guess even though it doesn't really need to be thought about.

I posted the other week about her going crazy because I uploaded a fun tiktok video

Tbh if non of the other parents were doing it with their child he might be embarrassed and not tell you

She has an older DC

Why on earth would climbing be embarrassing? I think your partner doesn't like for you to have fun. She sounds jealous and possibly manipulative if she has form for these kind of digs.

Yes actually she does make little digs and comments. Just makes feel 2nd guess even though it doesn't really need to be thought about.

Just about your child or other things? What things?

Your partner doesn't sound nice at all.

They seem to resent something about you so they like to put you back in your place so you're not so pleased with yourself and the things you do...

Adults climb all the time, with kids and without, so it's her who's well off the mark anyway.

I would suggest, if possible, that you learn to reframe, because nothing she's talking about is actually about you - it's about her, her fear of being embarrassing/doing the wrong thing/looking out of place, maybe feeling like she's a burden to others etc. Her reaction to the TikTok video sounds like it's coming from the same place.

So if you can reframe it (in your head, saying it out loud is unlikely to help) as "oh, it's not about me, and what a shame that she has these hang ups and feels so bad about herself that she limits herself in all these ways", then you realise that 1. It's not about you, 2. It's not something you need to give any headspace to, and 3. Other people's opinions are always driven by their values and fears.

And on point 3, she's allowed to have different values and fears to you, and you're absolutely allowed to think, and act, in accordance with your own and not hers.
It's not your baggage, no need to pick it up, just leave it with her.
"Oh, you think so?..."

And also... If she does it too often and you end up not enjoying yourself in the relationship, you have choices - you can both know that it's nothing to do with you, and also choose not to continue a relationship with someone who decides to interact with you in consistently negative ways, and that's totally fine as well.

Just say "No need for you to worry about that. DS would soon tell me if he wasn't happy" and keep saying something similar every time she does it. Don't get into justifications or argue, just give her the clear message you don't consider it her business so you're not going to discuss it with her. As far as other digs are concerned, I'd be telling her you didn't appreciate her putting you down and would like her to stop.

She’s jealous you had fun without her and is trying to put a downer on it.

I posted the other week about her going crazy because I uploaded a fun tiktok video

I think I cross posted with you. Get rid of her, right now. Anyone who begrudges your happiness with your child is awful.

I would suggest, if possible, that you learn to reframe, because nothing she's talking about is actuallyabout you - it's about her, her fear of being embarrassing/doing the wrong thing/looking out of place, maybe feeling like she's a burden to others etc. Her reaction to the TikTok video sounds like it's coming from the same place

I totally agree ,perhaps that's what she resents about you.

My older sister was like this with me. She was shy, embarrassed easily, I was a happy, showy stage child.
She constantly tried to humiliate me and make fun of what I did.
Years later in counselling I discovered just what @WrylyAmused is saying. She hated that I could do what she couldn't so had to put me down a peg or two to make herself feel better.

We have a couple of climbing walls near us. There's always parents with the children observing.

We're in Wales, walking/climbing safety is drilled into young children. When they're older we won't be around to warn them.

It's nice to share experiences

I would love to do this with DC, sadly they have no interest in climbing, with or without me.
I think your DP was being a bit mean spirited, she could have said - that's nice, glad you both had a good time - She sounds like an unhappy person who projects on to other people.

Other things too. She can come across a bit patronising too. She's 10 years older so has said she's got more experience etc.
Made comments on what I spend my money on even though it doesn't effect her or us. Made comments on that fun tiktok video. Made comments on my parenting in the past. Just starting to add up. Its all small things though.

They aren't small. Stop making excuses for her.

This relationship needs to be over.

Thank you, you are right

I think because her child is now becoming a teenager and not wanting to hang out with adults so much she's projecting that onto me. It's not ok though obviously.

I just think in life you need to grab any opportunity. I never begrudge anyone. Obviously I have jealous feelings sometimes but I have a word with myself and would never be unkind to anyone. Whereas I have noticed my partner is quite a jealous person and always wants what others have.

Sorry you went through that. Its never nice when someone tries to dull you down

I climb every week. Sometimes with my 17 year old son. Last week I did a climb that was difficult for me. My 14 year old daughters cheered me on. I am 55. Don't stop what you are doing. It is your partner's issue. Stand for yourself and what you believe is right for you and have fun with your son.

I was the only adult on an inflatable swimming thing with dd. She didn't mind. Even when all the watching adults have me a round of applause as I hauled myself out like a beached whale

It's hard to see when in the moment it feels like a small thing. I guess as I look back i see a number of "small things"