To worry about DS behaviour

[Isittypical]

Ds is 3, and I’m finding it really hard to deal with his behaviour. He can be really rude, stroppy and argumentative often in a really pointless sort of way. I’ve just had a horrible afternoon with him where he kept walking off and shouting ‘go THIS way.’ (I know people will suggest reins but he isn’t like this often, he won’t wear reins and in any case I can’t really drag him in the direction I want to go, so I feel helpless.)

He often just doesn’t respond at all if I ask a question, I have to keep asking him.

He is fine at nursery. If you get annoyed or tell him off he gets angry back.

Boundaries. You have to be firm “no, this way, as mummy said” and then you take him where you need to. He is working out whose boss and what he can get away with. This is where you need cast iron boundaries and repeated child focused instructions .

Which is simple except he just ignores you. I think I just thought he’d cooperate a bit more.

Reins. You’re in charge, not him, and what you say goes.

I'd recommend a book called Little Angels by Dr Tanya Byron. She uses positive methods with behaviour that really work.
Divas and Dictators by Charlie Taylor is another positive effective one. I think Divas and Dictators was for slightly older

Reins aren’t designed for dragging a child in the direction you want them to go though, surely.

Thanks @SpeedwellBlue

You can make a game with reins. Ponies or dogs or whatever he likes.

Has he had his hearing checked? That’s my first thought, when you say he doesn’t answer.

Bring back the pram! For longer outings I still use my pram and my (extraordinarily strong willed) 4 year old goes in it. No arguments! It’s the pram or we don’t go.

I sense from your replies you’re feeling deflated today, which is understandable. You’re probably exhausted.

Of course we haven’t met your child but all kids are different and some have phases of being extremely defiant and stroppy. If he’s fine at nursery, it’s likely to be a phase. Nursery has structure and he knows teacher is in charge and there’s a schedule - you can do the same at home. You ARE in charge. Sometimes when you give an inch with a child they’ll take a mile, it’s amazing how different they can act with different adults. Keep following through with him, when you say something make sure to follow what you’ve said and no giving in to him. No harm speaking to nursery either, they might have some tips.

Hearing is fine. Definitely a choice. So if I say right then I’ll go to X on my own he can hear.

I just feel helpless with him, like now he’s wet his trousers and is refusing to come in from the garden (I can’t carry him I have an injury.)

I've heard people call kids this age 'threenagers' because of the massively stroppy, defiant phase a lot of them go through, so I think perhaps the pointless arguments and obstinate behaviour is pretty normal. I appreciate that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, of course!

Thanks, he isn’t normally this bad but this afternoon he’s been awful

What on earth led you to think he'd cooperate??!

You're describing normal 3yo behaviour.

I would say have a look at your own upbringing, see if there's any baggage. If there is, deal with it. If there isn't, read a middle path child development book and take some deep breaths.

Toilet training is another big worry for me. He just doesn’t seem to get it at all.

I think cooperate is perhaps the wrong word, he just seems angry with me a lot of the time.

@Isittypical have you read up about PDA autism? Ours has this. He is 5. Lovely little person but needs to control, dominate, win. PDA’s experience requests as stern demands and their system fights them. Check out the PDA society drifting and try declarative language handbook.

This is normal behaviour for a three year old. The book How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen is great.