To be annoyed NC FIL is sending gifts to my kids

[Honeyandtheivy]

DH has been NC with his Dad for 10 years apart from a short period in between. DH does not want any contact now and has reasons for this.

My son is 3 and has only met them once as a very small baby. DH has ignored FIL's one text last year so FIL and his wife have started sending gifts in my son's name, effectively trying to bypass us. I can't turn them away at the door as they are ordered direct from companies so I dont know when it's them sending it.

I should point out they haven't contacted us to ask how DS is, what he likes, or to ask anything about him since that one meeting 2 years ago. Only that once by text to say it's unfair DH doesn't send photos of him.

We've thus far ignored, DH wants no contact at all, and suspects his Dad wants to get a reaction and have an argument and DH is not interested in that. But he gets stressed when the gifts arrived out of the blue.

AIBU to think they shouldn't be doing this? Especially addressing parcels to a toddler? Or do you think GP can send things when they want and we should facilitate as they have a blood relationship independent from us?

Just because you have gone NC, doesn’t mean they have to do the same. Obviously as your child is a toddler you ensure a relationship doesn’t build if you don’t want it, but the reality is you can’t stop them trying.

Hes only 3 - just check parcels before giving them to him to open.

You absolutely can choose not to allow a relationship (I’m in a similar position).
Presumably your DH has good reasons for going NC.

Ignore all the 'but he's your son's grandfather' type posts. I'm guessing there's a serious reason your DH doesn't want contact as people don't generally go no-contact for trivial reasons. It's very manipulative of your FIL to post presents in this way without any other contact. I'd give them to a local charity but don't contact FIL in any way, not even to tell him not to send the presents, that is what he wants. If he wants to try to resolve the conflict then he needs to find other ways to do that - and even then your DH has a right to refuse him.

This actually happened to us. I just returned every single one and eventually they took the hint.

Give the gifts away or if a courier knocks on the door then say that X doesn’t live here and reject the delivery. It will go back to the sender.

Any plans to move house so the problem can stop automatically ?

Nope! If there’s a good reason for the NC then you’re not under any obligation to let this continue. Donate the presents to charity so you don’t feel guilty and ignore everything else!

Return every single one to the companies that have sent them or donate them. I'm so sorry this is making your husband feel bad you can do it so he doesn't have to be involved. Narcissistic people do this so they can say to themselves and others that they are the good ones as they "always send presents/cards". It doesn't excuse any previous negative behaviour and you don't have to accept the presents.

I am NC with my own mum and she sends my DC gifts and money via MIL. On one occasion MIL gave card and money directly to DC!! She was swiftly told not to and hasn't since but won't refuse my mum. Instead accepts, lets us know and we return them straight back.

I have told my own mum repeatedly not to, I have returned them to her and she persists. Christmas, Birthday, Easter...

I think my mum does this so she can say she is a better person, she tried and how terrible I am for not allowing her.

YANBU - stay strong x

I would not contact them or acknowledge the presents in any way. I wouldn't even send them back.
When they arrive remove the outer packaging and put them straight into a ongoing charity bag - if your DH doesn't see the parcel don't even mention it to him, and definitely ever mention them to your DS. Try to do all of this in less than 30 seconds, just want the address/name off it and then straight out of sight.