Not Invited - What should i do?

[Lucky2019]

I have a friend (1) who is a single mother (i am not) so often i will have her DD for sleepovers as i appreciate how difficult it is to do it alone. We have known each other for around a year and half. My DD is 9 and hers just had her 8th Birthday. So this is the story .... i was texting her last week about what she was up to at the weekend as my DH was working and i would be alone with my 2 kids - i had her daughter for a sleep over he previous Friday. In retrospect she was being evasive and didn’t really answer what her plans were. So anyhoo i have another friend (2) (who we have in common, who i haven’t seen in a while) that i arranged to meet on the Saturday in question , i was aking her where het DD was and she told me that she had been invited to Firend 1's daughters Birthday party. So i am now unsure how to deal wiuh this - a bit more context last year on my DD birthaday pary i had Friend 1's DD for a sleepover (friend 1's request) and then took her to my daughtes Birthday party. When Friend 2 went to pick up her DD we were all going home together so i waited outside - when friend 2 had picked up her DD she announced to me that she has said loudly at the party that her DD had to hurry as i was waiting outside - she is sure the Frined 1 heard this. How do i handle this situation!!!!

Your children aren't friends so like a pp said, stop imposing the friendship and the sleepovers on your daughter. You can still be friends with your friend but as adults - not involving your children.

In my experience this is relatively common. You become friends with adults and your children play together and may even get on well for a while. Then as the children get older they have other friends and don't want to hang out together. At that point, you need to continue the adult friendship on its own or let the whole thing die a death.

I don't really see what the issue is. The girls aren't really friends and they're a different age. Your friend's DD maybe only wanted her own friends at the party.

I have a friend with DC the same age. Also a lone parent. When they were all younger I'd have them over for sleepovers and would invite them to birthday parties when they were at the more the merrier stage. The kids all got on, but they weren't close friends and didn't go to the same school, so if they had a party mine weren't invited to it really wouldn't be an issue. Your friend maybe just felt a bit awkward about it and thought you would be offended?

Much as you were helping the mum by having her daughter for sleepovers, I'd put a stop to the sleepovers.
Being friendly is a two way street. You (and by result your DD) aren't getting much from this friendship.

At least for the short term. Things might change in future weeks but for the time being, don't have her daughter again.

Theres nothing to say about not being invited but if the children arent friends, stop the sleepovers/hosting.

Unless your daughter asks to see friend 1's DD for a sleepover, then the free childcare service you've been running is over.

It's not really a friendship is it, you are convenient childcare to her and the kids don't even get along.

This!

Thanks for all the good advice, i just think i feel quite aggrieved as when it suits Friend 1 our kids are friends and when it doesn't suit they are not. I do it mainly to help her out however i woulden't do it if i didnt think the girs are friends. When the girls are here they play well together and have a good time, however when they are at Friend 1's house there are issues. Im a firm believer in teaching my kids that sometimes you have to do the right thing even when it doesn’t suit you. And am also annoyed at Friend 1 as this is now an issue in our friendship (we are quite close) that she is happy to dump her DD on me (and im not only one) when it suits her.
And its the sneakiness of it all the really bothers me!

Don’t say anything. Just don’t go out of your way anymore to offer sleepovers, lifts etc.
When she asks for a favour, bite your tongue not to suggest she asks parents of DC’s that were invited to the birthday party.

So maybe start putting your daughters feelings first.

That’s incredibly poor form not to invite your daughter to the birthday party. Obviously as they see each other often the girls would talk and your daughter might get upset from not being invited. Step back and don’t do the play dates and sleepovers anymore. She doesn’t think much of you apart from being an on call sitter when it suits her. I bet she doesn’t even show any appreciation when you help her out.

I think they are two different things.

At this age the daughter probably just wanted her school friends to her party.

I think it's really kind you help your friend out, it's hard being a lone parent (assuming the father isn't on the scene so she doesn't usually get a break)

Is your friend 2's DD in the same class as friend 1's DD? I'm assuming your DD is in the class above, or even at a different school.

You're not doing the 'right thing' though - you've been prioritising some cheeky fucker user above your own DD's preferences. This woman isn't entitled to free childcare from you, just because she's a lone parent. And your dd shouldn't have to suck up having this child imposed on her in her own home.
This is a good opportunity for you to reassess your priorities.

You need to remember there are two completely different and separate things happening.

1. You have a friend that you are nice enough to help out with some childcare now and then.
2. An 8 year old gets to choose who it is she invites to her birthday. In most cases, that will be her friends from school, and not the Mum's friend's dd who is either 1 or 2 school years older than her.

They are nothing to do with each other.

If you want to ease off helping your friend out a bit now her dd is getting older, then that's fine. Absolutely your prerogative. You've been really supportive so far, but there is no commitment for life.

But there is no connection between that and your friend's dd wanting to be able to choose to invite her own friends to her own birthday celebrations.

Another saying stop the favours.

We had this with a CF mum at DD's school. A friend of mine took CF's DD to ballet every week, they were in the same class. Picked her up from school, fed her, took her to ballet and dropped her home. (CF had a younger DD that she didn't want to have to wake).

When CF's daughter had a party, my friend's DD wasn't invited because apparently they weren't friends. News to everyone!

Whatever way you look at it, your 'friend' has taken the utter piss. She didn't tell you about the party. She wasn't honest - because she wants to keep using your services, regardless of whether your daughters get on or not. You're a free babysitter. If her daughter didn't want to invite your daughter due to their age difference/different friendship group or whatever, she should have had the decency to explain this to you.
She knows you know, judging by what your friend 2 told you. I'm surprised she hasn't already been in touch too apologise or at the very least explain. Bye, bye sleepovers.

Maybe the age gap between DDs and limited numbers for the party? Perhaps she didn't mention it because she felt awkward as she would have liked to invite your DD but had to be strict with numbers or thought she would be the odd one out with a lot of younger kids?
Probably would let this one go if it's a one off for this sort of behaviour

Sometimes children have birthday parties with school friends only, sometimes they have limited numbers and pick their friends and that doesn't include kids they only see because their parents are friends.

I couldn't get worked up over it.

If your dd (not you) doesn't want sleepovers anymore as your dd (not you) sees the relationship differently then that is her choice to make and I wouldn't try to influence it.

I agree with this. Plus the sneakiness would be the nail in the coffin for me.

So this single mother dumps her DD on you and on other kind and willing parents? What does she do when she's not looking after her own daughter? She is coming across more and more like a CF and not as someone who needs help. I'd wonder how she would manage if you and the other parents she leaves her DD with, started to refuse to have her DD because it clearly doesn't seem like a reciprocal arrangement.

It's not "sneaky" to not tell someone their child isn't invited. It's tactful. Who wants to be told "we're having a party but you're not invited"?!

Friend 2 is winding you up. I'd be wary of her

That's not your friend. She asks for a sleepover for her daughter, but then your DD is not invited for a birthday party? Cut it here. No more sleepovers, no more favors.

I agree with @NewName24 - it’s important to give kids a say of who they invite to their party and teach them that their feelings matter rather than please their parents and their (parents) friendships. It’s separate for you to decide if you want to continue the adult friendship and within what boundaries.

Take the hint - your kids aren’t friends - and move on. No more sleepovers; carry on with your friendship with the mother in whatever way you can separate from the children. As you’ve said, she can’t have it all ways….