Is this even an issue

[Volvovolvo]

I think I am being unreasonable but I actually have no idea why it made me feel like it did
Yesterday I was sat next to my partner of ten years on the sofa and I said " oh what you are you doing on your phone" he said sending a joke to a work friend. I asked what the joke was " it's private I don't have to tell you because it's not your business"
Its not a big deal but my thought was and still is what's the issue in saying what it is if I ask
He says it's because he shouldn't have to tell me

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Bit of a strange response but I guess for others to have an opinion they would need to know if this is out of character? I know if my husband said this, it certainly would be.

Odd and unnecessarily hostile response from him.

Possibly he was annoyed you asked what he was doing on his phone, not a question Id ask. Otherwise Id be thinking it was something he didn't want to repear, maybe sexist.

He also said if we was walking as a 3 together and they made a joke he also wouldn't tell me if asked but maybe he doesn't know

That's exactly how it made me feel
That what was the deal if I asked what the joke was 🤷‍♀️?

I wouldn't be at all impressed if my partner started asking me what I was doing on my phone, what jokes I was sending to my friends etc. If he said 'What are you doing on your phone?' and then when I said 'Sending something funny to my friend' he said 'Well, what are you sending?' I would absolutely tell him to mind his own bloody business.

At the very least, it's nosy and irritating, and at worst, it's suffocating and controlling.

Yeah I also understand that totally and is why I said I thought I was being unreasonable that it made me feel like I did. Its my issue I know .

I hear you but admittedly I sometimes am maxed out as just don't want to talk. Maybe your DH just wanted to be silent and dick around on his phone.

No it definitely wasn't that though

I appreciate that it made you feel nosy, but I don't think he's obligated to satisfy your curiosity.

If I was sending a joke to my friend, I wouldn't necessarily want to have to explain to someone. Sometimes things are in jokes or they don't make sense without a long explanation of the context. Either way, a partner of mine isn't entitled to a detailed explanation of what I'm talking about in a private conversation.

I think if my husband asked what I was doing on my phone and I said "sending a joke to Alex" and he followed with "what's the joke?" I'd be side eyeing him and telling him to mind his own business too.

The conversations he's having with his friends are none of your business, really. His response was snappy but maybe he's just had a bad day? Or do you often want to know what he's doing on his phone and he's maybe just a bit fed up of it?

"I think I am being unreasonable" You are. I wouldn't want my DP quizzing me on what I was sending to a friend (not that he would ask).

Fair enough
I totally get that on reflection however don't agree to his response when I asked if we was walking together in a group and he made a joke and I asked what's the joke that " I probably still wouldn't tell you "

It's a very spikey response. Like usually you'd just say, just chatting with a work mate, load of crap lol. Then just move on. The fact he said it's a joke, but you are not allowed to see it?
Why, cos it's Les Dawson, it's not funny? Or is it because it's grossly sexist etc but still funny? Who knows but his reaction rings alarm bells.

He is allowed a life of his own. He probably felt it was intrusive tbh.
I would feel like a scolded school child if he dh did this.

I’d hate being asked could very easily. Come across as controlling

If my DH said what are you doing on your phone I'd think are you serious??

"it's private I don't have to tell you because it's not your business"

I agree with* @logisticallifeproblem- Odd and unnecessarily hostile response from him. *

Suppose you have to make a call:

When they say not your business...

could it be a topic they think you'd be offended by - for whatever reason... and as such by telling you "the joke" it'd mean a lot more hassle (from you) they would get about it than is worth or exposes them for something they'd rather not be exposed about (think stupid, silly, dark, dirty, blue, tasteless, offensive - whatever etc.)

Or something more sinister... is the colleague more than a colleague?

Personally if i was sending a work colleague a joke on my phone and DH asked what i was up to - id have no qualms explaining what "the joke" was - even if it was a shit joke, nothing to hide, as such i don't get defensive when he asks what i'm laughing at or conversing about because its nothing sinister.

*could it be a topic they think you'd be offended by - for whatever reason... and as such by telling you "the joke"it'd mean a lot more hassle (from you) they would get about it than is worth or exposes them for something they'd rather not be exposed about (think stupid, silly, dark, dirty, blue, tasteless, offensive - whatever etc.)

Or something more sinister... is the colleague more than a colleague?*

No nothing sinister . He says I'd be thoroughly disappointed if I heard it

And no nothing sinister or anything else going on. For a start the colleague is also male and secondly he just wouldn't do that

so then its more likely the first scenario - maybe its a shit joke or one he thinks you'd find offensive/unfunny - not wanting the ridicule or hassle about the ensuing scenario? That's where my head would be

I'd be very annoyed if my husband was asking me to tell him what was being said in my private conversations with friends. You say you don't see the issue in him telling you if you ask but where does that end? Do you get to ask him constantly who he is talking to and what about? You said you don't suspect anything sinister so why has it bothered you?

Yeah he’s a dick.

I must say I hate when DH asks me what I'm doing on my phone. It's never anything secret or naughty, usually typing something on Mumsnet or on a news website (boring). It just seems annoying and nosy.

From my point of view and why I felt it was hostile was because if it's only a joke about something work related what's the harm in saying 🤷‍♀️ I'm definitely not asking what everything he does it etc or going through his phone or policing him but I didn't see the harm in saying what the joke was 🤷‍♀️