To ask you to talk some sense into me

[RubyTuesday10]

I am married with a child but have been going through a low patch for quite a while. Have a child with additional needs and a terminally ill parent, my self esteem has been rock bottom and my sex drive has been zero. DH has always been my best friend but we’ve been distant from each other in recent months with everything going on and seem to just argue.

At my lowest ebb I started going on a chatroom site and ended up talking to a man who is apparently feeling distant from his wife. The conversations have been funny, profound, quite sexual and whenever I get time alone I have found myself seeking him out and he has done likewise. It’s become like a drug, I feel more alive than ever and my sex drive has come back. It helped having words arousing me with no need to be touched and made me feel attractive again.

At the weekend though I ended it. He said he understood but admitted to being in tears and I was too. I just knew it was a fantasy getting out of hand and I needed to take control before any harm was done. We know each other’s first names but that’s it, no personal information has been exchanged. I know it’s the right thing to do but it’s been so hard. Like going through an intense detox. I miss him so much, the little chats more than the sexual stuff. Can’t stop thinking about him and longing to connect with him again.

I know I’ve been an idiot, I don’t need telling that. I can’t obviously confide in anyone about this, so I’m just asking if anyone can give me some kind but firm words to keep in mind to get me through this. I don’t want to be a bad person and cheat on my husband, I just got addicted to being wanted and having intimacy. Please advise if you can.

You already know what this was, OP - an escapist fantasy. It's understandable in your circumstances, but you were right not to let it go any further. Remember that the reality would be very different from the fantasy, and all your other problems would remain (with some quite significant new ones added). Go cold turkey. It will get better.

Agree with PP. Maybe see this as a reflection of what you want/need in your current relationship and see if you can take some steps towards that.

It's hard though when in real life it takes lots of effort (especially when you are dealing with a lot) and being able to escape to chat to someone without any pressure or expectation is much easier.

Thank you both, that’s what I needed to hear. Was so afraid of getting flamed so thank you for understanding and not judging.

FWIW as a stranger passing through the internet, , you are going through a hard time in life, and with your relationship, you have sought solace outside of your marriage and not within it. You know this because you have ended the on-line dalliance before it became anything serious. You did the right thing.

Op, if you want to preserve your marriage, you know what you have to do! You have to take your dh out to a neutral place, focus your full attention on him and say that you are sorry you’ve been distant, it’s because of a, b and c, and tell him you miss him.

Explain that in order to have a fulfilling sex live, you need to feel an emotional connection with him and that’s missing. If he is not stepping up enough at home while you are busy with your terminally ill parent, and with your son, then tell him you would appreciate more support. Discuss ways in which you can communicate better. And leave room for him to talk and listen 💐

He does step up very much at home, the child has quite difficult behaviours and we disagree a lot on how to deal with it. We are under so much pressure, both of us.

Well done on ending the contact.

You state that you got addicted to being wanted and having intimacy, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting those things. It's time now to say to your DH that you need to be wanted, and you need intimacy. Work on it together, and consider getting some therapy together if you think it would help.

I was in a relationship that was platonic for many years, his choice not mine, and I found it absolutely soul destroying. I am now with someone who wants me and we have a very active physical relationship, which we both value very much.

If both you and your DH want that physical side to your relationship, and find each other attractive, then you need to prioritise this and find what you have been missing with him. Please talk to him today and find out how he feels, and if he's been missing intimacy as much as you have. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut.

DH and I had therapy for very very different parenting styles when it came to our twins (one of which has additional needs). We are 50/50 parents so there wasn't a lead parent and we clashed often on lots of things – risk, discipline, routines, etc. Therapy helped us parent together better.

That’s totally understandable given the strain you are under. Maybe some parenting coaching for the both of you would help to decide on joint strategies? And can you ask for more support from family or cut down on other things and buy it in?

Early help have put us on courses, previous ones have been useless because they’re so generalised and don’t deal with autism directly so a lot of the content isn’t helpful. We are going ahead with more though just in case. Can’t ask my parents obviously with all they’ve got going on and my mil is useless - doesn’t get autism and just tells the child off. Honestly life is one relentless grind, stress and worry. It was so nice to have something that felt good for a while. To be seen in a different light.

I don’t know what to say to make it better op because it sounds like a really hard situation and like you and your dh need to get away, just the two of you, and can’t.

I obviously don’t know the level of supervision that your ds needs but are there any autism focused charities that offer respite care or family breaks?

Edited to say that you might be better re-posting this on special needs board. Someone there might be able to point you in the right direction?

It was more the addiction to the relationship online that I needed immediate help with, I’m in lots of special needs support groups and talk about my child a lot. It’s this particular issue I need a shake and wake up on.

Apologies; don’t know what to suggest in that case except go cold turkey.

I thought getting away on holiday with your dh might help with the lack of connection you are feeling.

No need to apologise, you’re very kind and helpful. Yes a break would be amazing but we are in a lot of debt so unfortunately not an option.

It sounds really, really hard op. I’m so sorry you are facing this situation. There is not nearly enough support out there.

I have been where you are- very similar situation.

In my case I actually told my husband- but this was largely because I felt like I had lost control of myself and my behaviour and knew that telling my DH would mean it would HAVE to stop (I had a problem with alcohol at the time, to give some context). In retrospect, I realise that was quite a selfish decision because it naturally caused a lot of hurt for my husband and threw a bit of a hand grenade into our relationship. We got through it, and I’m forever grateful to my H for his patience.

It is- as you say- an addiction, and as such, withdrawing from it is painful. I had to just keep busy to distract myself so I wasn’t tempted to make contact. I also kept reminding myself that the online contact couldn’t and wouldn’t ever become a real life thing so making contact would just prolong a flirtation that would never go anywhere. And I also found it helpful to allow some negative thoughts about the man I had been communicating with. Reminding myself that I’d created a fantasy figure in my head and that in real life, this man would just be another man. Yes, there was sexual chemistry and the feeling of being admired and desired was intoxicating, but if we were to meet up for real I know it would have been a matter of days before he would have said or done something that gave me the ick!

You’ll get past it OP- no infatuation lasts forever. You’ve made a great choice in nipping it in the bud.

Thank you, your experience has been very valuable and it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in doing this. I am trying to add negative thoughts about him into my head like he could be really annoying, aggressive or arrogant in person, his online persona is just what he creates. Never thought I would be susceptible to this kind of thing but we all do dumb things when we are low. It’s reassuring to hear you and your husband were able to move on, helps me have faith that I can get through it. As a hot priest once said “it’ll pass.”

As a hot priest once said “it’ll pass.”

Exactly!

The feelings will subside and one day you’ll look back on it all and probably cringe a little bit. In fact, the man I was talking to, randomly contacted me a couple of years later (he was drunk and clearly wanted some dirty talk). I was disgusted because it made me see the whole situation for what it was. I was always just someone to talk dirty to when he’d been drinking. Obviously I didn’t respond!