DH time to ourselves

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DH and I are currently not speaking over a row we've had re time to ourselves...

I work p/t, DH works full time.

I do the bulk of the child admin (DC has SEN) . and an extra school run/pickup. Do more cooking etc.

On my one day off I do shopping, meal plan, tidy up etc. it's also not a full day. After drop off it's 09:30 - 14:45.

I do however make time to go to the gym for an hour twice a week.

DH has said he wants to schedule some time for himself over the coming months. One weekend a month and I'd have the same.

So far no issue whatsoever.

The issue is he follows this up by saying...as I've had no time to myself for months.

This is absolutely not true.

When I queried this he said oh yeah I've been out with friends in the evening but not had a day to myself for ages.

He had two full days last month and a weekend away in January.

Meh hasn't put anything in the diary for this month but I'm not stopping him!

He then proceeded to list all the times he'd taken our children out to "give me a break".

While nice of him I never asked him to do that and certainly didn't think he's be tallying them up and presenting it back to me as I've done all this and you've done less.

The heart of the issue is that I am more than happy for him to have time for himself because I do get a bit more than him.

Aibu to think his approach is wrong? I didn't react well as I feel he's overstating what has actually been done. In other ways hes a good husband but this has really irritated me

Our children aren't here so are unaware of this....

And generally we're a very happy household. Hence my upset at this situation.

Tallying up all the times he's given you a break does seem a bit calculated but it might just be he's being thinking about it and it occurred to him that he's not had a break.

If he wants time out he's got to plan it to fit in with the family, not suddenly spring it on you as an "I'm missing out on me time look how much time you've had".

I think you could use your time better on your day off. Can't meal planning be done on the go? On the bus or train? Or in 10 minutes before lights off? Can't you arrange a supermarket delivery whilst you tidy up instead of going shopping.

Also how long does it take to tidy up? Do you not keep things tidy as you go. I don't think I've ever tidied my house, because it doesn't get untidy if you put things away as you go.

You ought to be free by 11am by mybreckonging. Meet a friend for lunch, go to the gym, have a massage, mooch the shops between 11 and 2.30.

Apart from that I think you should maintain a spreadsheet setting out every minute you and your dh spend at work, doing jobs, childcare, etc, and make sure it tallies to the last six minute unit. Just to make sure everything's fair and you all have a miserable life.

This hits the nail on the head. I'm happy for him to do as he pleases but it's his responsibility to make the arrangements. It's not my jib to manage his life

I agree with this.
Time to yourself is important but he is talking about them as a hindrance stopping him from doing what he wants. So tallying up every time he does anything with them .
He takes them out to give you a break not because it is nice to spend time with them. They are his children so taking them out isn't doing you a favour. It should be about spending quality time with them.

You say you have a "day off", but from what? You spend your "day off" doing household chores.

Looking at your post, your actual time to yourself is 2 hours at the gym a week?

I did meal planning and shopping for the week (online order) in 20 minutes last night while watching tv. If you choose to spend half a day on that activity that's your choice. Not sure how that's hugely relevant to the rest of your post though.

Your DH isn't approaching the situation very well.

Yea the time I have is going for the odd coffee and to the gym.

I must be a lot slower than most at meal planning but that and my weekly shop takes me an hour. We have dietary restrictions and I try to vary what we have each week.

I do laundry, ironing, tidying up. Even though my house is tidy it still takes me 30/40 mins to put away toys clutches laundry etc.

I don't have huge amounts of time either but I get on with it.

I understand and agree we need time to ourselves but it's the approach that's gotten to me

Why is he framing spending time with the kids as a favour to you, rather than doing his share of parenting?
Would you ever refer to looking after the kids as giving him a break?

Well this is the thing @jay55

I spend time with the kids watching films, taking them out, playing with them and it's just spending time with my children.

I don't feel the need to make a note of how many hours it's been.

On weekends we each have a lay in. I'm generally ready by 9:30 then DH will get ready...he might reappear two hours later. If we're not going anywhere who cares.

But what he has been doing is making a note of the times he's said "oh it's your morning for a lay in I'll take the kids to the park".

He's basically allocated me mornings "off" without me asking or wanting them and is now saying look how many times I've done this. You've done it far less 🫠

And has conveniently forgotten all the afternoons I've said you go and do something for yourself for a few hours.

Also I don't want an impromptu morning to myself. If I've got that I'll make plans ti see friends. Not be at home doing laundry!

I don't like the tit for tat element but I wonder if he feels like he can only take time for himself if it's a structured event rather than a bit of downtime. And h feels he has to justify that.

I'd tell him to pack in playing who has the worst life and if he wants the odd day to himself to say so and in the meantime you will each continue to support each other

I think you’re both being a bit petty and “point scoring” here to be honest. He’s kept track of how many times he’s looked after the kids, but you say this “He had two full days last month and a weekend away in January”, so you are also keeping track of things to throw back at him.

You’re both trying to play the point scoring game and honestly there is no winner once you get started down that path.

The ONLY way round this is a comprehensive down to the second spreadsheet which links to a childcare dashboard detailing historical child free time and future projections.

Obviously it will need to include all that time he probably hides on the loo. Or is that just my dh?

As stated earlier our children have been away so they're not here to know...

We each have a lay in on the weekend.

On my day rather than me coming down at say 9:30 and waiting for DH to get ready and then all going out together at say 11:00, He's said I'll take the kids to the park this morning and gone off until lunchtime.

So I've had a whole morning to myself but I haven't asked for it. In fact as I haven't made plans because it's so impromptu I often end up cleaning or ironing until they come back and then we all go out together.

There isn't very much to where we live.

I don't want my time dictated like this. And while yes it's a nice gesture it's no longer nice when it then becomes a bargaining chip.

All he needs to do is write his plans in the family diary and that's only so we don't double book!