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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel a bit shit

27 replies

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 00:08

Im on a school mums WhatsApp group, only a very small group (4 of us) and we all get along really well, same age, all have daughters who play together etc. Do see each other at school, chat all the time in person/on the text, will meet up every so often for nights out, couple of the kids do tennis together etc.

ive seen on socials theyve all met up with partners and kids for a day out on Saturday without me! My daughter and I werent even invited. Just feel a bit left out 😭 🫤

OP posts:
Limesodaagain · 18/03/2024 00:26

Maybe it was spontaneous/ not planned… ?
I can understand why you feel a bit shit though.. I’m sorry.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 18/03/2024 00:28

Ouch. That's really mean. I don't know what you do about it though, if it wasn't for dd I would just fade out but the kids friendship will obviously be important to dd. I guess just rise above it and focus on other friendships.

Onceuponatimeiwasahoe · 18/03/2024 00:35

That's horrible I would feel the same

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/03/2024 00:38

That is rubbish. I'd feel bad too. 🥲

3RingADing · 18/03/2024 00:41

🙁 That's very hurtful, I'm sorry.

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 07:09

One of the ladies has been going through a hard time recently, and ive been helping her being supportive. Its just really hurts. I guess i know to take a step back now 😞 they’ve clearly got a separate whatsapp group without me in it

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 18/03/2024 07:12

You say they met with partners. Do you have a partner?

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 07:13

Yes i do

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 18/03/2024 07:13

Ah, ok, not that then!

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 07:22

I know i can't say anything or ill look a dick but it just hurts, i thought we were quite close but were clearly not

OP posts:
Fast800 · 18/03/2024 07:24

I would be tempted to comment some thing like ‘Looks like you had a fabulous time’ and leave it at that.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 18/03/2024 07:33

That's upsetting OP. Why do people leave someone out and then post about their meeting up?! Rude.

JustRollWithIt · 18/03/2024 07:36

Do their 3 partners perhaps all know each other really well?

JustMarriedBecca · 18/03/2024 07:40

Sorry OP, it's shit and cliquey.

Sounds like the WhatsApp group is for your daughter's friendship group and not yours. And yes, they probably have a second WhatsApp group for grown up nights out.

You just have to shrug it off.

I wouldn't distance my daughter or pull away from the group - as it may impact her friendship. But I'd be damned if I personally would be doing these women any favours.

ChipsAhoyyy · 18/03/2024 07:41

Been there and it’s shit! These people show their true colours doing things like this and my only advice, from experience, would be to distance yourself. Let your children carry on as normal but I’d personally back off until the perhaps twig you’re pissed off.

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 08:05

Yes i think you are right. Im really sad about it

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 18/03/2024 08:25

It’s really crap of them, OP, and I’m sorry for you.

You might find there’s a good explanation, or one you can forgive, anyway.

I’m willing to bet there’ll have been some guilty feelings. These things usually happen because of one person who’s less of a friend than you realised. They used to be called a ‘Wendy’ round here, I think.

Beautiful3 · 18/03/2024 09:17

That's really horrible, I'm so sorry they did that to you. Similar happened to me with work mates, I was devastated. Don't write on their social media pics of their day out. I did that and they all blanked me! It made it so much more embarrassing and horrible. If you're closer to one of the group, could you inbox them asking if they know why you weren't invited? Asking privately would be better.

UnePersonne · 18/03/2024 09:23

Is there any chance there could be a spontaneous element to their day out? Eg, two couples are closer friends for some reason and decided short notice to go to the country park etc and met the other one there by chance? Or the third got wind of it and invited themselves on the day? Unlikely I know, but possible?

Other than that...People are shit op. It says more about them than it does about you. Even if they just tripped and found themselves on a day out together, they should have more grace than to put it on FB and rub your nose in being left out.

polkadot24 · 18/03/2024 09:30

That's just hurtful. I was in a similar situation. We ended up moving schools, it was terrible and now I keep everyone at a bit of a distance. Hold your head high and make friends elsewhere, the less school mums know of your business, the better!
Sorry though, it's nasty. It says more about then than you x

rumbanana · 18/03/2024 09:57

Sorry that you feel upset OP.

I've come to realise, over the years and also through reading here on mn, that friendship is as varied as concept as they come.
Whilst the majority of people, especially those of the same generation, view romantic partnerships and dating in a similar-ish manner, how people view friendships can often differ greatly.

Some people have very long, intense friendships, which they consider akin to family. They seem to be seen positively but can also occasionally be controlling and even abusive in nature. These sort of friendships can appear like a relationship breakup if they fall out, and sometimes people end up not speaking for years if for ever.

Other types of friendships are less intense and leave ample room for different external friendships. You can be part of one group, say school mums, but also be part of a hobby friendship, friends with someone you grew up with etc etc. These groups don't need to fulfil every aspect of friendship. You may prefer to keep some topics/ events for one group, and others for another.

I would suggest trying to view this group in this way. You aren't necessarily going to be a best friend girl group of 4 and do everything together with these women, from discussing worries about your girls to relationship problems, health issues, holidays away. You may do some of these things, but you can have other people in your life with whom you do others.

At the moment maybe they make up almost 100% of your friend time. Often when your children are young this is common, but that will likely change over the coming years.

Nobody enjoys feeling left out, that's for sure. If you had had a fallout or one member in particular doesn't get on with you, then that would be different, but if it's a case of not going to one meet up, then I would forget about it and carry on as usual.
There are multiple reasons as to why a group occasionally cannot accommodate all members, but unless it's done intentionally to hurt someone I wouldn't take it personally.

BlueEyesBrownHair · 18/03/2024 10:07

I know, and thanks for all your advice. I think im just feeling a bit sensitive atm. Im about to go through a divorce, not that ive shared any of this with these ladies yet, but i just felt like we had each others backs and id be able to lean on them a bit. I do have lots of other friends, dont get me wrong, it just hurts when youve tried to organise things and no ones free to meet up, yet they’re clearly meeting up without me. Ho hum, you can only rely on yourself 😕

OP posts:
Mary46 · 18/03/2024 10:25

Op its hurtful had it done to me too. Met my sisters at a cafe one morning with the husb. They never asked me. It did sting for a bit. They said was last minute. I dont rely on people now lesson learnt. Not nice though at the time

ChipsAhoyyy · 18/03/2024 11:39

It’ll make you more resilient in the long run. I found that with my second child, I have been much more standoffish with the other school mums. I’m probably viewed as a bit unfriendly, but I’d rather keep a distance now.

Severalwhippets · 18/03/2024 12:05

Be glad to know. They are not real friends and never will be. At least you don’t need to waste or invest any more time in them. Simply mute and archive the group and drop out. They will soon get the message. A bright and breezy hello if you see them and keep walking.

Spend your time with real friends