My ex husband really scares me....but is that my problem?

[skirtingboardz]

I'm having massive issues with my ex husband at the moment over pretty much everything. He is abusive and I left him 6 months ago. He had the next woman waiting in the wings.

Co-parenting is absolutely impossible with him.

He's let dc down on many occasions. Very irregular child maintenance. Introduced dc to his new girlfriend straight away and confused the hell out of them.

The last couple of weeks have been torture trying to deal with him. I constantly remain civil. Sometimes even kind because it's easier and I am scared of him. Whenever I put any sort of boundary down, he gets extremely angry.

On Thursday he text me about the child maintenance service. My reply was actually kind but to the point.

He got angry, told me my 'true colours' were coming out amongst other things (because I'm putting boundaries down) and he never wanted to speak to me again. He owes over 2 months worth of child maintenance.

I responded that he can speak to my solicitor going forwards and I blocked him - I've had enough. I need a mental break from him.

Today he has emailed me apologising about child maintenance and claimed he set his standing order up wrong and admitted it was his mistake. I havent replied....but like I say, today is Sunday, on Thursday he never wanted to speak to me again.

But since Thursday I've been an absolute nervous wreck. Nervous that I'm going to bump into him. Nervous that I've blocked him and how angry that will make him, nervous about seeing him (although we have absolutely zero contact set up for dc as he keeps letting them down so no idea when he's actually seeing them again.

My anxiety is through the roof. Yet he finds another way to contact me and to be sort of kind....ish in the email.

He thinks he can just speak to people like dirt, scare them and then expect them just to forget it when he's ready to speak again.

It's very hard when dc are involved.

But I can't help but thinking it's my problem I'm scared? I have called the police over him before, I am getting legal aid in my divorce as I have evidence of abuse.

I know I'm not the problem, he is abusive, but i hate how scared I am of him. I feel like I need to be able to control that as he isn't going to ever change.

Course it's not your problem. He sounds horrible. Glad you are rid of him and hopefully he will get fed up and go away eventually (not great for the kids but they probably wont like him much either in the future).

Can't you go low contact? How old are your kids? Sounds like you are having a lot of contact with him? My ex owes years worth of maintenance but I don't discuss that with him I leave it to the cms. I only speak to him if absolutely necessary. Grey rock? Low contact?

Get support from Women's Aid. Please.

We do have very low contact - I rarely speak to him to be honest. I'm good at grey rock usually.

It's just the last couple of weeks we have spoken more as he has asked to see the kids again and I've told him I am wary due to him letting them down so much recently. I told him he can see them but this would be his last chance - that probably was saying too much but I'm just trying to protect my children here as they really are incredibly confused. I just felt I needed to stand up for them.

He got angry at that - that's how it all started. He takes zero responsibility or accountability for anything at all. Always is either the perpetrator or the victim.

They are 5 and 7.

It's not your problem.

It's a perfectly sensible response to an abusive man.

You will find the less you have to do with him the less you are anxious

Keep him blocked.

I got a new email address so I knew he couldn't email me on it and I only checked the old one when I had to (and I gave myself a wispa afterwards because it was so unpleasant).

Women's aid might be helpful.

But in general - this is him. Not you. Grey rock as much as possible and keep him blocked.

Heya, Im sorry to hear what an awful time you are having. Being scared you will bump in to him is totally understandable, and must be really terrifying and I imagine affecting everything you do.

Look up 'the cycle of abuse' if you want to understand that whole scary behaviour followed by apology thing! It's classic abusive behaviour.

No-one should be made to feel scared of another adult in their life. especially not the other parent of their child. This all comes under the umbrella of domestic violence, yes, even without the physical violence.

It is mental and emotional abuse.

Try google searching 'power and control wheel - domestic violence.'

I found this very useful. Then if you can be super brave, I highly recommend you try and call a domestic violence hotline for advice. They are experts in this situation and will not belittle this at all. They will help you understand that this is NOT your fault. feeling the way you do is totally valid!

And they will give you tips on how to proceed in a way that you can feel safe. Because you are right. When he gets whiff of the fact that you are rightly using boundaries, he will be triggered.
Keeping yourself and your child safe from him is the number one priority now.

Hope this helps even just a tiny bit. Youve got this! Rooting for you, girl!

Thank you - I have set up an email address previously, this is what he has emailed me on. Which I don't necessarily mind as that's what it's for. I have to log into it to see any emails.

I just hate the fact he's done it.

I am working with a woman's aid type charity that's near me so I'm going to contact them tomorrow and ask for advice.

I think this is all just one big game to him but I don't want to play.

He clearly knows I've blocked him (or he wouldn't have emailed) and he's just now trying to get a response from me in any way shape or form. It's all about control for him. Nothing to do with the dc at all.

I just feel so guilty for my kids. They haven't seen their dad since January.

It is not your fault at all. Being afraid of someone threatening and unpredictable is a normal reaction, it is how your body keeps you safe. Your ex sounds demented, and you are doing all the right things in going very low contact with him.

Personally I would be refusing to speak to him at all and insisting that all contact went through solicitors and he could see the children at a contact centre, but I know that's easier said than done. The advice from @Octavia64 is really good. Call the police if he turns up at the house and do NOT let him in.

I found drugs and therapy helpful.

I'm nearly a year post divorce, two years post separation and the anxiety is nearly all gone.

I did find that it spiked when I had contact - phone or email from him. I actually developed a protocol to deal with it - I had a rock that I held and I watched my favourite film while eating some appallingly unhealthy food.

You are not to blame and I'm sorry your ex is still abusing & trying to control you.

I'd seek legal advice about his contact with the kids and CMS.

Speak to your GP, because it's obvious your mental health is being affected by this.

Thank you so much - I haven't tried the domestic violence helpline, I will give that a go.

I have done the freedom programme which was great. We learnt abit about the cycle then and it made so much sense.

He can just be so charming and I still fall for the nice side of him - not in a romantic way, I'm done with that but when he's nice I do think 'oh, maybe we can co parent together after all'

But it's all fake and I need to remember that.

Ive been called bitter and twisted. Jealous of his new girlfriend too. I'm none of those things, he is her problem now and I actually worry for her.

It just feels wrong I am still living my life this way, I just feel I need to be stronger to get over this. I do hope he will just bugger off but he won't. Because that means he has lost control.

Yeah cms are involved which again made him extremely angry.

He hadn't paid for 2 weeks. I emailed him to ask him if he was going to pay. He don't reply so after a week I filed for cms.

He then got very abusive and claimed he was always going to pay and that he told me he may not be able to pay weekly - sometimes apparently he might pay 4 weekly. This conversation never happened. He never told me this.

That was in December, he's paid £100 in total since.

I've just checked my bank and he has actually put some money in for the first time in weeks.

Yes I need to not speak to him.

The hard part is I was also suggesting we set up a FaceTime schedule in order to build contact up for dc. This was my idea. I gave him some timings that worked for us but of course these were all ridiculous according to him. I had chosen times when he was busiest and I was purposely making his life difficult. I wasn't.

So now he's blocked, he can't even FaceTime them unless I set it up on their iPad possibly.

But then again, I don't even know if it's a good idea he does FaceTime them right now anyway.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this with your abusive ex. Unfortunately with children to co-parent, it's extremely difficult 😢

Don't know if any of this might be any help -
https://divorcedmoms.com/7-ways-to-find-peace-when-dealing-with-an-abusive-ex

Thank you. I've given that a read through, it all makes sense.

The point about not sending the dc with what they need seems such a scary thing to do.

I also struggle to relax when they are with him, I just flint down the hours until they are back.

There is a lot more I can do to help myself, it's just hard when you're scared. I try so hard to get on with him and be nice just to avoid it but it makes no difference.

He's been violent to women before me (I didn't know until I left) and it's extremely scary. He even had a restraining order and I had no idea. I don't see why I would be any different and he couldn't hurt me - especially as I was the only one stupid enough to marry him.